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Old 04-20-2012, 08:28 PM
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Kemie Kemie is offline
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Unhappy Break up Support

Last night Legs came over to my place and told me that he "couldn't do this anymore."

1. He talked about being unable to handle me having any form of casual sex (I swing with Wolf, but had previously agreed not to have an 1-on-1 contact with anyone except for Legs or Wolf).

2. He also talked about having developed a serious dislike of Wolf as a person... and he could only be in a poly relationship with me and another male if he liked and respected said other male. I mentioned that he didn't have to like Wolf, he just needed to respect the relationship I have with him; but this was a no go.

3. He said our ideas about the future are incompatible, even though we love each other very much. At the moment, he's right. I was and am happy with my poly lifestyle right now. He wasn't, despite recently developing a relationship with a new girl, X.

We spent the whole night pretty much just saying good bye and crying and petting each other, and he kept saying things like "I'll miss your (lips/smile/whatever)" and "I would still marry you," and "It's not fair; I love you so much."

So I need to ask for a couple of things from you guys:

1. How do I not take out my frustration on Wolf when I see him? I am a little unhappy with him because I think the last straw on the camel's back was Legs overhearing him talking to a mutual friend about some aspects of Wolf's and my sex life that he didn't need to want to know about. But apart from that little accident he's been nothing but supportive. And this was going to come along anyway; it's not as though he caused it. But I still want to beat something into the wall and cry and flail around and I don't want to be a crazy bitch. Help.

2. I have been essentially living with Legs for the last year and some. I have no idea how to go back to living alone and sleeping alone every night and not having someone to come home to after work. We each have our own places, but we swapped back and forth every other night; at least I don't have to really move out. Just take back the things I kept over at Legs' place. Any tips on how to get over this? I do have cats so that should help.

3. We have the same major social hobby and have a high likelyhood of seeing each other regularly. I realize this is the same in all relationships... but we also live 6 blocks apart. How do I stay away? Should I just avoid these sorts of situations? I really want to try to be close friends if we can't be partners, but I understand that a certain amount of time will be required before that can happen. Legs says it will never happen; that he can't do that either. That really hurt.

4. I'm to be laid off from my job later this year. I might be able to take a position in the city where Wolf lives... is that a good idea? There's nothing holding me in THIS city now. I don't know if I'd be happy with the job there, and it's the city where I grew up- it's not terribly exciting. Then again... it's a job and I don't have one. What sort of advice can you give for moving in with a partner and then moving out again for a job in a different place?

5. I could really just use some kind words. I've always followed the "leave them better than you found them" attempt with relationships. And I feel like I managed this with Legs. He's become more extroverted and open (things he wanted to be) and gained perspective and interest in poly-fi. Basically, he just learned a whole bunch about himself. This makes me happy. And certainly I've learned things about myself, too. So I'm happy and satisfied with the relationship. It didn't end on a cruel note, but I'm still really sad. I definitely have that "It's the end of the world and I'll never be happy again" feeling, even though I know it's not true and I'll be okay.

I don't feel like I failed... I just feel like I've lost.

Apologies for the long post.
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Me: Mid-Twenties. Bi-sexual, but not bi-emotional. My open poly boyfriend: Wolfwood. My mono-boyfriend: Russo.
My blog; sexually-explicit posts locked under friends-only. Friend to read: Polygoodgirl
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  #2  
Old 04-20-2012, 09:06 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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You haven't failed. You and Legs just weren't ultimately compatible.

Of course, that sounds so simple and easy to accept. It's not, it's a bitch.

You will be fine. It's just going to take a while.

Of course, hearing those words in similar situations in my life never really helped either. But they are still true.

Good luck and hugs!
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  #3  
Old 04-21-2012, 12:41 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Big hugs to you. Breakups are the worst. Can you do something extra nice for yourself?

Hang in there. Remember it gets easier. It sounds like you two had a good run, even if it didn't last forever.
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:53 AM
AndAOne AndAOne is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
It sounds like you two had a good run
A good run is the understatement of the century

-- Legs
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  #5  
Old 04-21-2012, 01:13 AM
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Kemie Kemie is offline
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Dammit now I'm crying again.
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Me: Mid-Twenties. Bi-sexual, but not bi-emotional. My open poly boyfriend: Wolfwood. My mono-boyfriend: Russo.
My blog; sexually-explicit posts locked under friends-only. Friend to read: Polygoodgirl
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  #6  
Old 04-21-2012, 03:02 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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((Big Hugs))

I like the idea of you starting over in another city. It seems like it resolves a few tough spots and gives you a fresh canvas to paint your life on. I read a relationship book that actually recommended that if it was a viable option. It was called "Letting Go" by Wanderer and Cabot. A friend passed the book on to me after a rough break up. It's a little dated, but I got a lot out of it.

I'm not saying move out tomorrow, it's too big a decision to make in such an emotional state, but I would keep it in mind.
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