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Old 04-18-2012, 04:16 AM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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Default Just got on the poly roller coaster

Hi my wife blu and I have been together for over a decade. From the beginning I thought about a poly relationship but she was not receptive and I let it go out of respect for her. The past six years the feelings have become stronger and stronger and we started exploring the fantasy of it about three or four years ago. Mind you it was more of a swinging fantasy but I knew that it would be more complicated than that in reality.

So last week we finally took the plunge. After meeting Bent a few times over the last couple of months, we invited him over and things got going.
Without wanting to categorize, it looks like it is a V with her as the hinge although time will tell. The emotions of NRE are crazy! Strange to be completely aroused one minute and then the next to have a queasy feeling in your stomach the next. Its been 4 days since and they are meeting alone tomorrow to talk and perhaps more.

I was the one who went and found Bent and introduced them. My timing wasnt particularly good because Blu is very busy these days and the NRE is really wrecking havoc on her work. So I feel guilty about that. But seeing her happy the other night was incredible. I hadnt seen her like that. It was everything that I wanted. She felt guilty that she wanted to pay more attention to him but I told her I understand.

My stomach doesnt though. Did most out there get that queasy feeling in your stomach. Her happiness is incredible- just working through the regular emotions of worry and fear that she will leave me for him. Before taking the plunge, I realized that that might happen but in the end if he is right for her and she wants to go mono again, there is little I can do. Better to take the plunge and see her happiness and passion shine through than stay in the cage of a mono that doesnt fit us well.
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:31 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Deerinthewoods,
Welcome to our forum.

I just think polyamory is very different from what we are trained to expect, so it's natural and very reasonable to have some disoriented (even queasy) feelings about it at first.

I don't think Blu will leave you because of Bent. Sure, she's been monogamous in the past, but I think she can see now that loving more than one person is possible. I know I can't guarantee it, but for what it's worth my impression is that she'll stick with you (as well as possibly with Bent).

In any case, monogamy wasn't working for you, as you said, so I think you're taking the right pathway here.

It's good to have you on board; hope we can be of help with any questions or concerns you have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:44 AM
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I think the queasiness will settle and eventually go away if you work on strengthening and developing the relationships that exist among you rather than focusing on the sex. Examine and talk about how the dynamic has changed between you and your wife now that there is someone else she is intimate with. Get to know this guy as a person. Go out and do friend stuff with him. Make the time for each of you to nurture the connections separately and together and, perhaps most importantly, outside the bedroom.
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Old 04-18-2012, 07:14 AM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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NYCINdie, thats a great suggestion! Except I'm not sure if Bent and/or Blu will be into me having a friendship with Bent. Certainly, Bent and I started interacting with each other for almost a year before we brought in Blu and naturally Blu and I have been interacting for years. However, my relationship with Bent WAS founded on having him come make friends with my wife and understood that he would sleep with her if she was willing. I hope that we can all become friends. thats the ideal-at the same time I need to give them space for their relationship to grow. delicate balance isn't it? I think that she will take the balanced approach as she is meeting to talk with him outside the bedroom. I am fully ready for them to move to the bedroom, without me. I did say that I would prefer to be there for their first time but I know that the NRE can take over and maybe they will want to be alone. I told her if something does happen tomorrow that as long as she tells me, I will be okay. But from your experience do you think that I will? I didnt anticipate the intensity of the NRE-so it will likely be the same with the flood of jealousy. I take your suggestion of taking it out of the bedroom very seriously.

It is very bedroom focused right now. That is how Blu and my first night was, we slept together right away, within hours of knowing each other and for one year spent every day together and the first six months having sex 2-3 times a day, 7 days a week. It could happen with this relationship-although scheduling will be difficult and as we have a kid I doubt Blu will just drop everything.
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Old 04-20-2012, 02:43 AM
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Hi DITW,

Just wondering how things went with Blu and Bent meeting yesterday (I think it was yesterday). How are you holding up? I know you said as long as she told you what was happening, you'd be okay. But, we can't always predict these things.

Like nycindie said, take some of the focus off the bedroom if you can. I know the NRE is running pretty high, but developing platonic friendships is important too.

Hope you're holding up okay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-20-2012, 05:07 AM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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Default Bent and Blu's 1st get together

Well I was a right mess last night. I did try to get my mind off things. I went to the gym and worked out, got online and talked with some friends who have had poly relationships. I tried to keep my head out of the bedroom. I felt pretty alone after the gym and walked around the city streets for a bit, I hadn't felt that alone in a long time. I did start to imagine worst case scenarios and being abandoned and even though I had stated my boundaries, that I would prefer to be there for their first time-I thought that the heat of the moment would carry them away. And I kept waiting for a phone call and then thought that I might have to wait until morning.

SO when I did get home, about 4 hours after the start of their date, I was just really anxiety ridden and head full of worst case scenarios. Then I went online to check my messages and saw that she had sent a message! It said that she was back at home working, and for all the sorrow I felt 30 seconds earlier-all of a sudden I felt intense relief and joy and I cried. Super intense emotions-when I am usually pretty aloof about most things. I was really happy because it had gone well, and she wasn't spending the night with him -and although we haven't discussed in detail how it went (Blu's super busy finishing up her college program this week-so the NRE is not helping her one bit in that way) it doesnt sound like they played at all except for kissing(they stayed in public place).

But there was a negative thing to all this. We found out that Bent has a girlfriend and that he hasn't told her anything. So Blu decided to stop it there, even though she is attracted to him, neither of us like the idea of playing wth a guy who can't communicate his desires to his intimate partner. So I don't know what Blu and I are going to do now. The door has been opened, and there are a lot of things we have to discuss. She thought we were moving to fast anyways and she was probably right. We'll work through some things that have come up in our relationship through this and probably find someone who is ready for this kind of relationship further down the road. Stay tuned!
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