Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-16-2012, 11:15 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default how do I make it happen? he's so mono...

So I haven't posted in a while, but I need advice!

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. Things are going well, sex is great, I love him. However...my bisexual urges seem to be getting stronger. I have been with girls and even couples in the past, when I was single, but I have never explored those things while or within a relationship. Honestly, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships


I guess I am used to guys who love the idea of their girl with another woman. My boyfriend seems at best disinterested. He says he doesn't like the idea of sharing me, which makes sense. I think he equates my desire to be with a woman with a desire to be unfaithful, but I have no intentions or want to be with another guy. Ideally, he would be involved. The idea of him helping me and participating in that scenario is incredibly hot to me. I don't want to leave him out or find something elsewhere. I just really feel like I want to act on my lesbian urges.

He is a very monogamous person. Is there any hope? How do I start a conversation? How can I make him see that it can be fun and sexy and non-threatening?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-17-2012, 01:52 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Brazil
Posts: 151
Default

I would avoid trying to convert people. Why get into a monogamous relationship in the first place if having multiple partners is so important to you?
__________________
Independent, sex-positive, bi-curious, private, atheist, elitist, athletic dude.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-17-2012, 02:23 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,421
Default

Was there a reason why you did not discuss this with him before getting involved?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-17-2012, 11:11 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

"I think he equates my desire to be with a woman with a desire to be unfaithful, but I have no intentions or want to be with another guy."

I don't get the use of the word "but" here. How does it only count as being "unfaithful" if it's with another guy? Just because some men find their female partners' gay interactions less threatening or even hot doesn't mean that it's fundamentally any different for a woman to be with a man outside her primary relationship versus being with a woman outside her primary relationship. Both potentially involve sex and/or romance, both could be threats to your relationship, and that's true whether your bf Is involved or not.

Give him some stuff to read, like www.morethantwo.com, tell him this is really important to you, ask if you can talk about potential ground rules, go very slow. In the end, it's up to him whether he can accept this or not. If not, you may have to move on rather than a) feeling like you're missing something forever or b) cheating on him. But please don't act or talk like your desire for poly should be somehow more easily acceptable, less threatening, more sexy, or in ANY way treated differently because you want it with women and not with men, or because you'd be open to involving him in outside liaisons when he doesn't actually want to be involved.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-17-2012, 02:22 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I guess I am used to guys who love the idea of their girl with another woman. My boyfriend seems at best disinterested. He says he doesn't like the idea of sharing me, which makes sense. I think he equates my desire to be with a woman with a desire to be unfaithful, but I have no intentions or want to be with another guy. Ideally, he would be involved. The idea of him helping me and participating in that scenario is incredibly hot to me. I don't want to leave him out or find something elsewhere. I just really feel like I want to act on my lesbian urges.

He is a very monogamous person. Is there any hope? How do I start a conversation? How can I make him see that it can be fun and sexy and non-threatening?
All of this seems very sexual. Are you wanting a purely sexual/FWB situation with a woman or a romantic relationship?

Regardless, if he doesn't like the idea of sharing you AT ALL, it seems unlikely that he will approve of either situation. Also, your statement that your desire for a woman appears to him as a desire to be unfaithful because you have no desire for another man doesn't make sense to me. Sex/gender has no bearing on whether it's ethical. I've also never understood the thought of someone of the opposite sex not being a threat because they're different since EVERYONE is different, but that's a different discussion altogether. lol

Anyway, if he honestly feels like nonmonogamy of any flavor (swinging, poly, or anything else) isn't for him, you can't force him or the relationship to go that direction. He has a right to want monogamy just as much as you have a right to want nonmonogamy. You just have to decide if you can balance the two desires or decide the relationship isn't right and find a new one.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-17-2012, 02:01 PM
zylya zylya is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sussex, UK
Posts: 77
Default

I gotta echo the questions of why would you agree to a monogamous relationship if you knew you didn't want one? It's only been 6 months, why wouldn't you have said something in the beginning?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:34 AM.