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  #1  
Old 04-16-2012, 04:31 AM
Realsimple21 Realsimple21 is offline
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Well lets see, I am a mono with a poly fiance. I have been havi.g a hard time this week because it is going on a year from when I found out he was seeing someone else. I get a bit sad when he goes to see this other girl but not mad. He says I make him feel like he is doing something wrong, but as soon as he gets home I dont even feel sad any more. I kept how I was feeling inside and it blew up last night. I just feel he really thinks I should not feel how I do. In the begining of our relationship I was seeing other people but decided I just didnt have the want to deal with other people that way. He told me last night he really doesnt want me to see other people because he gets the feeling back he got when an ex cheated on him. I am ok with that but I dont understand how he thinks I should not feel how I do. I love him more than anyone I have been with, this is the only thing we really argue about.
I dont want to change who he is just want him to understand that I am a bit emotional about him being gone some times.
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Old 04-16-2012, 05:46 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi Real Simple,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"I just feel he really thinks I should not feel how I do."
Actions are chosen; feelings are not. It's not up to him to tell or expect you how to feel.

Re:
Quote:
"He told me last night he really doesn't want me to see other people because he gets the feeling back he got when an ex cheated on him."
That's not fair; you're not the ex who cheated on him, and he's already seeing someone else (seemingly without regard to how it affects you).

Re:
Quote:
"I don't want to change who he is just want him to understand that I am a bit emotional about him being gone sometimes."
There's nothing wrong with asking for that. (And you should ask him that, if you haven't already.)

Let me ask you, are you really okay with him going to see this other girl? It almost seems to me like he's done this (and is doing this) without your go-ahead. Am I reading that wrong?

I think it's very big of you to be as patient with him as you have been. I hope we can help you somehow on this site.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:12 AM
Realsimple21 Realsimple21 is offline
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I try to explain to him I can't help how I feel...I get a bit sad when he is at work. He keeps telling me that when I get emotional it takes the fun out of being with some one else. thats not what I mean to do. I have never missed someone like I miss him when he is gone. I don't set to many boundaries except be home not to late or let me know if he will be late, safe sex, and don't call her by my pet name. So far the only one he cant seem to follow is the time one.

I even told him that I don't have a cold heart like his ex, i cant stop my emotions. I just don't want to feel bad for being sad some times. No matter who a person is there is always that question of what can i do better. I think thats what i fight with, along with what does she give him that I am not.

Really I am ok not seeing anyone else, which is weird because in my past relationships i alwys wanted to see other people. I actually told him that I was going to see an old lover just so he would understand how I felt when he wasn't there. But I don't think he gets it. I find myself wanting to ask questions about what he and this other girls do but he thinks I am trying to fight with him. That's not it. I am trying to keep my imagination from running wild.

I don't think if he wasn't who he is we wouldn't be so happy in other areas of our life.
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:36 AM
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Re:
Quote:
"I find myself wanting to ask questions about what he and this other girl do but he thinks I am trying to fight with him. That's not it. I am trying to keep my imagination from running wild."
I think you're well within your rights to ask him what goes on when he's away, considering you are his fiancée and are giving him permission to do something that most people (being we live in a highly monogamous society) would never get permission to do. Not to mention he has declined to give you permission to see other people; he of all people should know how you feel.

Re:
Quote:
"I don't set too many boundaries except be home not too late or let me know if he will be late, safe sex, and don't call her by my pet name. So far the only one he can't seem to follow is the time one."
Actually all three of those boundaries are reasonable for you to ask of him, and if he can't come home on time without at least letting you know, that is a problem, and not a very loving thing for him to do to you, as I'm sure he is well aware of how lonely you get while he is away.

I don't mean to disrespect your fiancé, but I'm a little discouraged that he seems to be a little insensitive towards your feelings, especially if his main concern is whether your feelings take away from his fun. This is supposed to be a two-way relationship; he's supposed to care for you (and about your happiness) as much as you do him (and his).

It might be time to have a solemn sit-down with him to talk about these matters, and let him know that you expect to be treated better. If he's not willing to at least respect your boundaries, you may have to consider what's the best way to care for yourself. I hope it doesn't come down to a break-up, but just remember that you're a good person and deserve to be treated like a good person. (Not like some toy he kicks out of the way because it's in his way.)

I don't know if this is much help to you for me to say all this, but I just want to say I hope he'll be nicer to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:33 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I don't mean to disrespect your fiancé, but I'm a little discouraged that he seems to be a little insensitive towards your feelings, especially if his main concern is whether your feelings take away from his fun. This is supposed to be a two-way relationship; he's supposed to care for you (and about your happiness) as much as you do him (and his).
Good advice. It sounds to me like your fiance wants to do as he pleases, knowing you'll be sitting home waiting with a smile on your face so as not to spoil his fun.

Try to imagine living like this for the next 30 or 40 or 50 years, waiting at home, alone, for someone who doesn't come home and doesn't call, and doesn't want you seeing anyone else even though he is.
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