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Old 04-11-2012, 02:17 PM
PiperDown PiperDown is offline
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Talking Newly redefined relationship

I want to shout it to the rooftops! But I can't, so I'll just share it here

Since joining this site a couple days ago, my relationships have managed to open up and head towards a new path. Previously I had only been looking for a girlfriend for both my husband and I to date equally, because that's what I knew I wanted. I have that. But in reading many of the stories and issues on here, it sparked a conversation with my husband (and later on with my girlfriend as well). It's been decided that we are definitely comfortable with having our own girlfriends aside from our shared gf. We trust eachother implicitly, and I think it would be nice for someone who shares his interests to explore them with him.

That's a huge part of what I find to be so great about polyamory! My husband and I have shared a life and have gotten so used to the things that we like to do together, but there is a lot that I like to do that he doesn't, and vice versa. My girlfriend and I can go to the art museum, or to the botanical gardens, and have tons of fun! My husband would hate those things.

But what I want to get out of this newfound, more open relationship, is the ability to have a strictly lesbian relationship. All my life I have been very active in the LGBT community, and with my love and appreciation for women, I wanted so badly to be a lesbian, but my heart still has the ability to love men. For a long time I was torn between my life standing for the LGBT purposes that I've been fighting for, and with the fact that I've primarily fallen in love with men. It made me feel like a hypocrite at all the pride events, holding hands with a man, but noticing all the beauty of the women around me.

Now I'm looking forward to living my convictions and exploring this side of me that has lain dormant for so long. The only unfortunate part is that I have moved across the country, and haven't immersed myself into the LGBT community out here yet, but in my cursory lookings it seems that it isn't very organized or widespread here. It's going to be a lot harder here. But I'm definitely up to the challenge!

Now, along with this discussion it came out that my husband isn't comfortable yet with the idea of me possibly finding a boyfriend. For some of you husbands that have dealt with this, what helped you to open up to it? I'm not looking to get involved with another man just yet, but the whole point of this is to love who you love and be able to experience that unhindered. I want that option down the road without my husband being uncomfortable with it.

Another question I have, is how on earth do you guys manage your time!? Between myself, my husband, and our current girlfriend, we work 4 jobs at varying times, and she lives 45 minutes away. Plus she has a fiance. Add into that mix our other friendships and the fact that we have a daughter in elementary school (which comes with playdates, homework, school schedules, etc) and I just don't know how to fit anything else into my schedule! How do you make time?

Thanks for reading my big long rant that really didn't go anywhere! I'd really love some insight and ideas if you have them
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:13 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Heya, I am glad to hear your story.

I started off only looking to meet women 8-9 years and after not having much luck looked to meet men too. I can't even remember if my ex had problems with me dating men so I'm no help for advice there. I do know I've seen threads on that here, though I wouldn't know what tags to look for, there are some things worth reading on that subject.

For scheduling, I can only hope you have set work hours? I'd probably google calendar the hell out of my life, figure out the minimum time I need with my husband and my girlfriend, and schedule regular dates. Schedule in time and events with my child, and any other non avoidable events in my life, and I'd schedule a bit of time for myself. Then I'd REALLY look to see if I have time available for another relationship. I'd think about if I wanted to use that spare time to try to fit in dating another person, or think about if I wanted to have it be flexibly available to see more of the people already in my life.

I have been open to dating a third person for awhile, and assumed I had time for at least one, maybe two dates a week. However I've been keeping track and have found that with my current set up and making time for friends and myself, even fitting in a coffee date with a new person can leave me feeling overbooked (though some of that is meeting new people stress).

This has taught me that to seriously date another person, I need to be pretty comfortable with them right off the bat, have some hobbies in common, or have them be friends with my husband or friends, I'm getting the feeling I can't handle another relationship that is totally independent, or I'd go bonkers, unless it was limited to a couple times a month. I'm glad I figured this out so I can express this to people I might want to date who might have totally different needs for time.

So you might really find out you don't have time to date anybody else, or think really carefully about what your minimum needs are for a budding relationship and if you have that time available to commit to it. No idea if any of this was helpful, I am getting the feeling there was a lot of redundancy in it as I'm operating on 5 hours of sleep, but wishing you luck!
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:53 PM
PiperDown PiperDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
For scheduling, I can only hope you have set work hours?
Anne, unfortunately not! My work day ranges anywhere between 9 am-10 pm, and the only guaranteed day off is Sunday (which is saved for husband, child, and partially girlfriend). I was thinking that someone very close to my house would be a lot easier because we could make impromptu dates, and the drive time would be virtually eliminated. I guess in that respect the only issue would be the first several dates before a more comfortable level was reached. I can definitely see how it would be easier if we were very comfortable right off the bat, but since I'm new to this state, the only people I really know and feel comfortable with are co-workers, and I'm not going to date any of them. That's just drama waiting to happen! lol. I will definitely be taking your advice to evaluate my schedule very closely and see where my possibilities are. Thanks! Little sleep or not, you helped a bunch!
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:16 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Another question I have, is how on earth do you guys manage your time!? Between myself, my husband, and our current girlfriend, we work 4 jobs at varying times, and she lives 45 minutes away. Plus she has a fiance. Add into that mix our other friendships and the fact that we have a daughter in elementary school (which comes with playdates, homework, school schedules, etc) and I just don't know how to fit anything else into my schedule! How do you make time?

It helps that I'm a total type A, keep a detailed calendar of everyone's work schedules, kiddo stuff, etc, and just do my best to plan in advance when possible. I've also learned to be better at just going with the flow and making last minute arrangements when time comes up.
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