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Old 03-10-2010, 10:47 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Difficulty in New Dynamic

So-
I'm having a struggle-this may get long, I'm sorry.

One of the odd things in our situation is that all of my friends are also friends with GG. But not all of his friends are mine. Some of them I've never met, some just don't like me, though they really don't KNOW me.

Maca really doesn't have any "friends". He socializes with a couple co-workers in summer (fishing) and fall (hunting), he has a brother and he talks to my bil.

GG has one group of "friends" (guy friends) who hate me. Two are his younger brothers. The others are friends. These guys have spent YEARS hanging out as a group. They play RPG's, party, smoke pot, drink, whatever.

I've known GG longer than all of the guys in this group except for his two brothers and one who was his boss when we met.

So-the boss met GG and I at roughly the same time (we both got jobs in the same place within a few days of one another). At that time I was an 18 yo mother and very much in a self-destructive, "men are scum" revenge mode as far as dating goes. GG was a COMPLETELY innocent 17 year old. His boss told him he needed to stay away from me, because I'd play him and leave him broken in my path.

Pretty much that was true-except that in MY eyes he was a boy, not a man. I differentiated between the two, because I ADORED my baby brother. GG was so innocent-there was no mistaking that he wasn't out hurting women with his exploits, so I never went there.

He fell for me, and I held him at bay. A variety of reasons not pertinent to THIS issue.

He and his boss became friends, and this group of guys formed in the years following. For reasons only guys would understand I was brought up in discussion during their "hanging out".
Mind you-GG and I remained VERY close friends through all of this. It was COMMON for him to spend the night with me. He took vacation time to spend time with me, we went out with my daughter together, we went out with whoever I was dating together, we went out alone together-all of the time.
But I was never involved in ANY activity that included these guys.

After his brothers were grown, they joined in the group of guys (up to this time I got along well with both of them). At that point it became obvious that they suddenly thought I was a piece of crap. They became downright rude and disrespectful and it became evident that there was a WHOLE story that I was missing details about.

One particular day GG called me, sick as a dog. He'd gone home from work early and was MISERABLE. I told him I'd come by, pick up a tape I wanted to borrow and drop off some oj and soup.
When I got there, the oldest of the brothers was there and told me GG was in bed and "he doesn't want any company". Having JUST gotten off the phone with him I knew it was b.s. I told him I knew damn well he was in bed. I walked through the door, under his arm and proceeded (with him telling me I had no right) down the hall to GG's room.
I found him as expected miserable and in bed. I sat on the edge of the bed, brushed his hair out of his face, kissed his forehead, checked his temperature, found the c.d. dropped off the stuff I took him and just ran my fingers over his back gentle (the way he likes) until he passed back out again. Then I left in silence.

After that it was common when I would call for one or another of the guys answer the phone and attempt to give me a line of reasons why I couldn't talk to GG. It didn't go over well with me and eventually I got pretty rude and demanding. In all of this-GG and I were STILL spending time together and socializing like NOTHING had changed between us, so there was no reason to believe he had anything to do with their behavior.
I had already figured out-and talked with him about the fact that they thought I was "using him" (no idea what FOR as we weren't dating, he wasn't babysitting for me, giving me money, sex etc) and that I was just a "stupid bitch" or "whore" or whatever.

So-here we are NOW; he's my boyfriend in a polyamorous relationship. We're in a V with my husband Maca (I being the hinge)...
One of the guys has since made "peace" with me and Maca and knows all of this.

The rest have not and do not.

The one who does is pushing to "rebuild" the friendship between GG and the others (he moved in with us 7 yrs or so ago and their socializing dropped off significantly because we live 45 min away in another town)....

So he wants to start up a D&D night for them. He's invited my 10 year old (whose not going) and Maca....

Saturday Maca and GG are going to go hang out, set up the game, start playing etc....

So my issue is that I think it's TOTAL BULLSHIT that they are even GOING without GG having FIRST taken the guys (one by one) aside, explained to them that I AM his girlfriend and that if they are going to rebuild a friendship then they will have to be RESPECTFUL of me in that role.
I don't care if we (they and I) are never "friends".

But I DO care about them hanging out with GG if they are going to continue talking shit about me behind my back.

I have even BIGGER issues with Maca getting involved at all (he doesn't even KNOW these guys at this point) if they are going to be doing that shit.

There is no issue with the 10 year old, I'm mom, and I said no way.

But am I "off" in my thoughts/expectations with GG and Maca?

I can't even identify a specific emotion right now. I feel numb..... It's been bothering me for a few weeks. I've been waiting to see what was going to come of it, and to try to analyze my emotions. But... well I guess I need input, cause I'm not getting very far....
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I hate to say this, it sounds so simple and yet so much like a cliche... those guys can sense how important you are to GG and that his bond with you is stronger than his bond with them... or just different in a way they will never know... and:

THEY. ARE. JUST. JELLUS.

The end.
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  #3  
Old 03-11-2010, 12:45 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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POSITIVE ALERT! POSITIVE ALERT!

Hey LR, let's not focus on the negative for a moment and think about the positives....you're men are hanging out socially!!

This could be the start of something that bonds them! Think about it, no one is probably going to bad mouth you with both your men there, I'm thinking that would not be in their best interests at all.

I'm going to agree with Ygirl..the guys are jealous but I do think this could be a turning point not to sound to optimistic

Woohoo!!
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:02 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I am just gonna throw this out there. It might not be jealousy. They may well have been trying to protect him. While misplaced, its not a bad thing. Sounds like it was handled improperly though. If the wounds can be healed, they could end up a very tight knit group of friends. I would rather have friends like that than what I got stuck with in the past.

I was with a woman 7 years. AFTER we broke up everyone told me how bad she was for me, what a rotten woman she was (I met her when I was 17 and she was 23). This is family and friends. None of them bothered to try and approach me during the relationship. I'll take his friends over my ex-friends anyday.
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:15 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yeah Ariakas-

That would make sense for the one who was his boss.

But his brothers KNEW me, we went to church together, the whole family knew me.

The others don't know me from tea in China and likely wouldn't recognize me if they saw me in the grocery store.

I am all for them resolving the issue and being a tight knit group of friends.

BUT-
I think there is a right and a wrong way to go about it.

I don't think that going and hanging out, playing nice and saying nothing, then coming home (where they know I am) and turning around a week later to tell them that there are things that they need to change about themselves in order to be friends is going to accomplish anything but making them think that I "made" him put those rules/boundaries in place.

It would be more RESPONSIBLE in my opinion-generally AND to me and our family specifically- to be upfront BEFORE going to socialize with them.
It's not like none of these people have phones. Nor is it like the invite was presented this week.

He's had years and since the invite-he's had a month that he could have called and said "hey we need to talk, when can you and I get together?".

His take is that he will go "feel them out" Saturday, then if he thinks it's "worth it" he'll call and make arrangements to talk to them.......


Did I mention-this has been an ongoing issue (them hating me) for 14 years and I haven't left. I'm not going anywhere. My youngest child is his biologically-we're family and we're raising 4 kids. These people aren't new to the realization that this is a serious relationship-what they are new to is that we are officially a couple now.

I don't know-I think it's shitty on his part not to stand up and handle things from the get go.


(Mono-yes there is that. I know that. That's the ONLY reason I haven't stepped in and thrown a fit thus far)
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Old 03-11-2010, 03:25 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Fair enough, 14 years of blindness sucks. Hopefully this meetup is the beginning of the healing, hopefully it doesn't end up being too little to late Communication doesn't come easily for a lot of people.

Good luck and I hope it all works out
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:14 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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uhoh! I'm on my new phone and it won't let me edit and it's got a teeny weeny keyboard! I'll try to get on tonight to fix my horrible typos.
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Old 03-11-2010, 06:54 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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I don't know, I kind of think I would have had the same reaction. The second my husband got the call to come play, I would feel that he should have stood up and said, "Hey, you said some s**tty things about my wife/partner and I don't want to be around that." Would he have said that? Pretty unlikely. It took me 15 years to get him to tell his father that we decided as a couple that I would be a stay-at-home mother and I wasn't a sponge and I wasn't getting a job so get over it. Would my boyfriend have said that? I really, really doubt that--it's not in his nature. Would my girlfriend have said that? In a hot minute. And she would have given them a piece of her mind and a clear picture of how their behavior would change. Would I have said that? I hope so, but I've been weak and dumb in the past.

What is your ideal outcome here? Do you just want some rules laid out? Do you want it enough to prevent your boys from socializing? What is your priority here? Do you want your boys to hang out with these friends (who would have thought we'd have to socialize our partners like we socialize our kids?) enough to tolerate their bad behavior in the past on probation? With the understanding that misbehavior gets you booted until you can behave in a respectful manner? Do you trust your boys to figure out that they don't want to be around people who think they have a right to judge you?

For myself, I know that I can't control what other people say or do behind my back, but they darn well better show polite behavior to my face or I don't come back. I think I would give everyone the benefit of a doubt--because I think it's good for my boys to socialize, and because I know my husband is a social boy and because I know that Sunday won't unless he's prodded, and because it's been a while and maybe the others have learned some manners. I would have to trust that my boys will have good sense and not spend time with someone who is disrespectful to me. I would complain a lot in the background. I don't have any experience with people who were as confrontational as they've been with you, but they tend to be threatened by strong women. Perhaps it would be helpful to discuss with Maca and GG what they will do if certain criticisms are mentioned? It might help reassure you that they do know what to do if the situation comes up.

Sorry that I probably rambled. The bottom line is...I'd give it a chance and see what happened. But I truly sympathize with you. I hate when I have to be the bigger person to people who don't deserve it. But I have found often that it paid off, and I was able to repair or build at least a working relationship with the other people.
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Old 03-11-2010, 07:22 PM
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The vocal judgement of friends or other people is something we all deal with from many areas. There is judgement about Redpepper from my more traditional friends and there is judgement towards me from some of our poly friends. This is why I am selective in who I let know the details of my relationship; some would push me very hard and I have no issue with using other forms of communication to encourage some one to shut up if they are aggressively attacking those I love or my own principles and beliefs.
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Old 03-11-2010, 07:25 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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What about getting everybody together in one room and saying, "Look, we're all adults now. Certain things have happened over the years and it's time to clear the air once and for all. Here's the deal..."

Etc.

This does not sound very complicated to me as an outsider. I think it's one of those deals where it's pretty simple but it LOOKS complicated to someone who has been in the thick of it the whole time.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-11-2010 at 07:28 PM.
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