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  #1  
Old 04-08-2012, 03:54 PM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
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Default Heartbroken and Hopeless

I'm a bit heartbroken and lost right now. Over the last year I have come out to my husband that I am poly. He had accepted this and allowed new relationships. Hi current boundaries were for now, until he had some time to get all of this straight, no oral or intercourse. The rest, the emotional, kissing, flirting etc were all fine. About 6 months ago a poly friend of mine and I started to slowly become more. We became very close, but our distance was the main issue, we are 1400 miles apart. We spoke daily and spent time together online. With in the last week however everything changed and fell appart.

My poly partner out of no where said I can't talk with you or spend time with you anymore online. I realized I want you, but I want you to myself. I will not take you away from your husband and children and if I stay I will. I am just so blindsided by this. I just don't know where this all came from. It was literally, "I'll see you on later tonight?" to a few hours later, "it is over I'm leaving to protect you from me"

I'm so torn because I loved both men. Of course I feel a duty and have a responsibility to my children so my husband outweighs a 6 month relationship with a man I have only known for a year but in that time I did fall for him. He is also married and has children and has been poly and has other relationships outside of ours as well. I just always felt we were friends who knew if things were different we could be more. I guess I was wrong! He is a very calculated and methodical man so this is all very out of character for him which is making it all the more confusing.

In a way I'm feeling some slight resentment toward my husband because I feel had he been able to accept a physical aspect that my partner and I would have been able to connect more completely and not cause this rift between us. I know rationally this isn't likely the cause but I'm struggling with it non the less.

I'm certainly feeling hopeless that the idea that any man is going to every really be able to love me and share me is a pipe dream. Am I insane, is it really as hopeless as I feel? I mean if the love of my life and an actively poly partner can't come to terms to share me ... What are my chances lol?
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  #2  
Old 04-08-2012, 04:32 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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One thing I don't understand in your situation, and I think this affects how i read the rest of your account. So I feel the need to clarify before commenting further.

Your "poly partner", who is the person who lives far away from you says that he wants you alone and doesn't want to share you? How is that statement in any way compatible with being poly? Did the other person accept that you were not going to be leaving your husband, and were looking for a true poly relationship? Why did that change?

Because as I see this, this has nothing to do with your husband or his restrictions, or you being poly, but has to do with this other person changing his mind and expecting you to change along with him.
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  #3  
Old 04-08-2012, 04:46 PM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
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No you read it right. This is why I am so confused, stunned really. My husband Jeremy and my friend Matt. Matt was a friend who helped me with his experience of coming out to his wife as poly with advice and things to expect. We was a bit of a mentor to me while I was coming out. After about 6 months we started finding we cared for each other more than just friends and admitted we had desires to be with each other intimately.

I get that this is all him but really I don't get how it happen lol. He is poly, he has a wife, children, and other open poly relationships. How all of a sudden he is jealous of my husband and wants me to himself came about is just insane to me. I asked him if I said sure, fuck the hubby, fuck the kids, do I get him to myself, or do I still have to accept the wife,the kids and the other poly relationships. He never responded. I'm just so very confused and don't know how I could have felt I known him so well and all of a sudden be blindsided by something that seems to me to be completely insanely out of left field.
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Old 04-08-2012, 05:05 PM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
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This was some advice he gave me when I confided in him my frustration that often I ended up in the friend zone with potential partners because of one reason or another.

- You're friend zoned because there are few men willing to share you with a husband. *While many talk a great deal about wanting unattached sex, or their comfort with you being married, most are not. *Men are notorious for wanting things to themselves. *The knowledge that they'll never have that, even if they only think they might want it in the distant future, is enough to keep you at a distance and prevent that desired/loved feeling you're looking for. *Even now, any relationship you get into, even if you're exceptionally careful, carries with it the risk that that man is looking for more than you've offered. *Be conscientious about this and maintain your communication with Jeremy, especially when it's hard or uncomfortable... the minute you let something slip, the easier it gets to let other things slip until eventually you're no longer poly, but just selfish and cheating on your husband

Only after he came out and exclaimed he felt this way did I even connect he might have been talking about himself.

Five hours later I got this ... "I've come to realize that I don't really want to share you. *The options that leaves me are limited."

Just was blindsided. I never expected him of all people to not accept my being poly.
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  #5  
Old 04-08-2012, 05:05 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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OK, then I did read it right

I can understand why you are confused - he helped you with advice and support through your own journey into poly, and then effectively has pulled the rug out from under your feet.

So if I were you I would be patient, and wait to see if this guy can get his act straight and work out exactly what we wants. It sounds like you and your husband have got something that is consistent and stable and you have been able to work things out.
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Old 04-08-2012, 05:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Was all of this stated to you in an email or a video chat? If it was an email, can you be sure it was actually him saying these things?
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  #7  
Old 04-08-2012, 05:21 PM
onemoreblue onemoreblue is offline
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It has all been email. However all other lines of communication have stopped too. I'm fairly certain in it him it has been a complete stop of communication after a few emails back and forth trying to understand the sudden realization from someone who is so calculated and methodical.
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