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Old 04-04-2012, 07:45 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 57
Default Having trouble adjusting to husband's new girlfriend

Just what it sounds like. In the past, I've had my own insecurities about people my husband has dated, but I've recognized them as exactly that and dealt with them accordingly.

This new person just makes me uneasy. She seems like a lot of drama, most of which I won't get into here. There are a few major issues for me, including that they broke one of our fundamental agreements at the beginning of their involvement, they spend most of their time together drinking heavily, she has expressed frustration/impatience if my husband or I contact each other when they're hanging out (it doesn't happen often, but sometimes it can't be avoided) and a few other things that set off alarm bells for me, including that she has never been in a poly relationship before and doesn't seem to have any idea how to handle...well, anything. I am tired of feeling like her poly experiment.

This situation has caused trouble not only in my relationship with my husband, but even in the one between me and my other partner. This makes me feel angry and helpless.

When I try to talk to my husband about this, he gets very defensive and asks if I want him to break up with her. I'm not sure; on one hand, I guess I do. On the other, I don't want to play that card unless I absolutely have to - it doesn't seem like it'll fix anything now. Sigh. But I don't like her, and I don't feel like I can trust her (or my husband) either.

Had a similar experience? Any advice to offer? Thank you in advance.
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:22 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 67

Through most of your post, I was thinking about how I'd normally think/say something like how you're not dating her, you don't need to trust her, you only need to trust your husband. Express your concerns to him and set boundaries about not allowing her drama into your relationship, and let him handle his own relationships. But then you said:

Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
and I don't feel like I can trust her (or my husband) either.
Though you put "or my husband" in parentheses, as though it is an aside, it's a big deal. It's not a trifle. It's important. And telling. And scary. This needs to be resolved, and fast.

What do you not trust, and why? What needs to happen for him to gain (or regain) your trust?

In general, for my own relationships, I just trust my partners and let them deal with their significant others; there's no reason for me to need to trust the significant others BECAUSE I have trust in my partner's capability to manage relationships.

I'd also be especially concerned about how/why this girl's drama has spilled into your relationship with your husband, and with your other partner. This should be unnecessary. Can you give examples of how this has happened, and what impact it's had?
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:25 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,923

Maybe reframe it? Make it less about her presence in your spouse's life and more about how his behavior had resulted in uneasiness and less trust in the relationship between you and he? The drinking heavily and breaking of agreements right away is concerning. Perhaps focus more on that than her specifically. You are right - if he does this with the next girlfriend than you are back where you started. Has he done similar actions with other partners? Or just lost his mind where she is concerned?
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Old 04-04-2012, 08:44 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 57

Thank you for your responses. My husband hasn't behaved this way with other people; he really does seem to have lost his mind when it comes to her.

As for the not trusting: they broke one of mine and my husband's major agreements (no oral sex or intercourse until both parties have been tested) while they were drunk. This is a HUGE red flag to me.

There was a situation in which her actions (or lack thereof) affected me, my husband, and my partner; my evening with my partner (and a very emotional and much-needed discussion) was interrupted because she forgot something at home and my husband was insisting that I bring the car home so he could take her to her place. I did, and was very resentful about it, and my partner was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing. She didn't even apologize for inconveniencing us.

She and my husband had a condom break, and thank god she can't get pregnant (or so she says) but I didn't find out about this until almost a week later. I was livid and felt like he had been lying to me (though he says he didn't want to tell me when I was out of town.)

I don't even know if I'm being unreasonable anymore. I can't think objectively about this at all. I don't think that she is adding anything to my husband's life except stress and drama. I don't know what would have to happen for me to trust him again, but I have been reluctant to be close to him or spend much time with him lately. He has been jealous of my other relationship, and I wonder if he's trying to get back at me in some way (though, for what? For having a happy, stable, loving, honest outside relationship? That seems ridiculous.)
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:10 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

The only person you can control in any situation is yourself. If he's being unsafe sexually you can insist that he uses condoms with you. For sure he isn't making good desisions right now. He's wrapped up in NRE. Chances are it will pass and once the shine wears off he'll probably wonder why he ever decided to be with her.

I think since he has a track record of conducting himself well in other poly relationships that he will come around eventually. You need to do whatever it is that you need to do to protect yourself emotionally and physically. I don't know what that is going to look like for you because it's different for everyone. Let him know what your personal boundaries are and why they are in place.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:41 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 57

Derbylicious, that's a very good point, and helps me to feel somewhat less panicky about the whole thing. And we always use condoms anyway, so that's taken care of, at least.

I really appreciate some perspective on this; thanks so much to everyone who has replied.
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Old 04-05-2012, 12:05 AM
Windstar Windstar is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39

Wow, I really feel for you.

"I have been reluctant to be close to him or spend much time with him lately. He has been jealous of my other relationship, and I wonder if he's trying to get back at me in some way"

That is scary to me. I have seen many relationships go sour very quickly when this type of dynamic takes root. I would nip it in the bud strongly or fear that it grow very big very quickly and be harder to remedy later.

There is nothing wrong with vetoing her. They broke a core rule. She is causing your primary relationship trouble. That is what a veto is for. If you can't use it when you need to use it then it's no good bothering to talk about even the concept of being able to veto.

I would say to use it. Veto her. See where his head and priorities are. It will clarify things for you. Not fun, but not worse than the mire you are trudging through right now.

For what it's worth and nothing more.

http://fuggle.us - Our Threesome Blog
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boundaries, veto, veto power, vetos

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