Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-04-2012, 04:14 AM
MyWifesNerd MyWifesNerd is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Default Dating and money

My wife and I are somewhat new to Poly. We're a few months in, and things have been pretty good so far... though not without their difficulties.

She' has a boyfriend that she's been with for the last few months. I only recently started dating another woman, and it raised an interesting question.

Money's tight, and when they go out, my wife's BF pays for their dates. So, that's worked out pretty well.

However, now that I'm dating I feel like I should pay for dates with my girlfriend. I'm not much of a traditionalist, but this is a hard expectation to break. We don't have a lot of money for me to be spending. How have some of you handled similar situations?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-04-2012, 04:45 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

Why not try to find free or low-cost activities?

I'm a huge fan of going to free concerts in parks, picnics, renting a movie (or watching one someone already owns) and staying in, local comedy clubs or something of that variety, etc.

I personally hate having other people pay for me unless I've known them for a while and feel like it's fair (as in, both of us pay for things or provide each other with meals or whatever at random, without really keeping track). It makes me feel uncomfortable to think of one person always taking the responsibility for our activities together - whether it be financial or the planning aspect. So, when I first start dating someone, before I feel confident that the relationship is going to last long enough to be mutually beneficial, I try to keep the activities low-cost so that if he/she insists on paying, I don't feel guilty about it. It also keeps me from stretching the budget if he/she agrees to my preference that we go dutch. lol

Most people are pretty understanding that finances get tough sometimes. I'm sure if you're just honest with her that you don't really have the money to be doing fancy dates often, she will understand. If she's anything like me, she'll love the more relaxed, low-key things just as much. It's the time together that counts IMO.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-04-2012, 07:18 AM
MindfulAgony's Avatar
MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Most people are pretty understanding that finances get tough sometimes. I'm sure if you're just honest with her that you don't really have the money to be doing fancy dates often, she will understand. If she's anything like me, she'll love the more relaxed, low-key things just as much. It's the time together that counts IMO.
This. Be honest about it and relax. You'll both have more energy to be creative on how you connect once you can do that.
__________________
Male, Straight, Poly

OKC Profile

Blogs:
Mind Crush
sloetry

“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-04-2012, 07:47 AM
Scott's Avatar
Scott Scott is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near Toronto, Canada -.-
Posts: 240
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
This. Be honest about it and relax. You'll both have more energy to be creative on how you connect once you can do that.
I agree with Mindful; being open about your financial situation with your girlfriend is very important I think. Honestly, I think one of the most important things to figure out in any relationship is, what is it that your partner(s) need? Do they need financial support, or are they fine? If she, you, or both can't afford to be going out on dates too much, then as someone mentioned, perhaps it'd be best to go to each other's places instead, cook up a meal, something like that. If you think about pure economics and the relationship is serious enough, one thing that you might consider is all moving in together; accomodation expenses are generally cheaper that way. This, ofcourse, is seeing things purey from an economic perspective; it may not work well in many situations.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-04-2012, 12:54 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

You have identified something that is often an issue in poly relationships.

One of the mantras about poly is that love isn't a zero-sum game - that a poly person believes that they have an infinite capacity for love. The problem is that when it comes down to practicalities there are two "zero-sum games" - money and time. It'd be nice if we had an unlimited supply of both, but 99% of us don't have unlimited money and nobody has unlimited time.

So at some point you reach what I and others call "poly saturation" - you are using either all your time or money (or both) on the relationships. This either means that you have to have a "no more relationships" or you have to spread your limited resources thinner. That can be an emotive issue, and one that needs to be worked on with everyone involved, so that expectations are managed, and synergies found.

I don't think that there is a "one size fits all" solution to this, either - it has so much to do with your own situations, boundaries and needs, and those of your partners. But if it is not dealt with, then it can become a major show-stopper issue.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-04-2012, 03:08 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 418
Default

I stopped buying clothes a while ago, as an experiment (I was buying a LOT) and so far, it's going great.
But, all the money that I used to spend on nice new outfits now is spent on drinks with lovers, dinners with lovers, weekend getaways with lovers, dinners and weekend getaways with husband (because we want to have fun too ) and traintickets, since both lovers live in another city.
__________________
early forties, straight.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
finances, money

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:38 PM.