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  #1  
Old 03-29-2012, 02:08 AM
Flight85 Flight85 is offline
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Greetings all.

Let's get the basics aout of the way. I'm an approaching 40's male with a GF of 9 yrs and a dear friend who was in a committed relationship for 13 of the last 14 yrs I've known her. A few years back we started to have an affair that is still lasting even with her now being technically single and recently declaring herself as poly. I myself am in a mono relationship that I have been able to get my unmarried partner to hesitantly agreed to a poly situation with her. (they are dear friends)

Now my dilemma is with my long time friend, affair and now poly partner is that she has taken a new person on who is married with the consent of his spouse and after knowing him only 10 months total (I introduced them) My secondary (if you will) views us as equals. Not a problem in and of itself but after 14 years of friendship and knowing that I provided (and continue to do so) for her she is willing to not respect the investment is troubling to me.

I know it's way more complicated then what I said since I've had a head injury that complicates my perception of things and such I just thought I ask if on the surface I was wrong. Basically if after 14 years of friendship, months of her living in my home with my mono spouse (GF) and my continuing efforts to help support am I wrong in expecting my opinions and wishes to carry more weight with my poly secondary?

If you need clarification please ask. It's part of the whole head injury thing. Sometimes I don't make complete sense.
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  #2  
Old 03-29-2012, 02:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hello and welcome! OK, yes, it is a bit confusing, so I will try and reconstruct what you wrote...


You have been with your girlfriend for nine years, and she is monogamous. You two live together.
You have another girlfriend, with whom you started having an affair while she was also in a monogamous relationship with someone. So the two of you were cheating on your partners for a few years. And your second girlfriend is close friends with your primary girlfriend.
Since then, your second girlfriend ended her other relationship and has been staying with you and your primary girlfriend. You want your primary to consent to a polyamorous arrangement with you and your second girlfriend, but she's mono and doesn't want to.
Does your primary know you cheated on her with her friend?
Now, your second girlfriend met someone else who is poly, and he has the consent of his wife to date her. She's known him for ten months (a good amount of time to get to know someone) and wants to start a relationship with him, but you object. Why?
You have been supporting her financially? Does she have any of her own income? Was there ever an agreement for her to be faithful only to you? I don't see why she can't date whomever she wants. Just because you give her a place to stay doesn't mean you own her. What exactly is your problem with her dating someone else, since you also have someone else? Or have I misunderstood?
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-29-2012 at 04:08 AM.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:04 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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His dilemma is being treated and thought of as an equal. He thinks all the years and support should mean something.
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  #4  
Old 03-29-2012, 02:49 PM
Flight85 Flight85 is offline
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Dingedheart, you are fairly close to understanding the question.

Cindie, as I expected I wasn't clear. Yes, my primary partner and I live together. Yes, my primary partner has hesitantly agreed to the relationship that I have with my long time friend that once was considered an affair. While it was always just an extension of our friendship it was still considered an affair because of how it was handled. The situation now is that my sencondary partner is starting a relationship. I'm ok with that. As dingedheart said, I'm wondering if I'm right or wrong to think that my years of investment and friendship should be valued more? Also just to clarify, I introduced everybody to eachother. I met each individual during the course of my life and became friends with them separtely.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sorry, I was trying to see if I followed what you were saying, and had a feeling I was a bit off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flight85 View Post
Yes, my primary partner and I live together. Yes, my primary partner has hesitantly agreed to the relationship that I have with my long time friend that once was considered an affair. While it was always just an extension of our friendship it was still considered an affair because of how it was handled. The situation now is that my sencondary partner is starting a relationship. I'm ok with that. As dingedheart said, I'm wondering if I'm right or wrong to think that my years of investment and friendship should be valued more?
So, you are comparing the 14 years of friendship, including the few years of being lovers, letting her live with you, and supporting her financially, to ten months of knowing this new guy, whom she wishes to regard as an "equal" to you in her brand of poly. If you and she had never had the affair, would your years of friendship with her still hold sway and determine the place her other friends hold in her life?

I can understand -- you feel that your years of investing in your relationship with her should put you in an elevated position over him. However, I'm not sure what that means to you - do you feel she should ask you permission for things? What would being her primary look like? Because labels don't really mean anything; it's how people act to reflect the perceived meaning of the labels. So, break it down in a practical rather than theoretical way. How do you see being equal versus being primary actually playing out in real life situations?

You should also understand that there are many people, myself included, who don't see love relationships as something belonging in a hierarchy. If I had a lover for ten years and one for one year, I would regard them as equal, because to me, love is love. Loving is loving. Some people don't like having goal-oriented relationships; we just want to have them be the best they can be right now and not worry about "moving forward" in any direction. But that doesn't mean that each person I love equally wouldn't have their own special place in my heart. It doesn't mean that particular circumstances in our relationships, specific to us, would not be respected. It wouldn't mean we couldn't have boundaries, but it would probably mean that I wouldn't automatically defer to one over the other. I would weigh each situation according to the dynamic of each partner and act in the best way possible to support each relationship in thriving.

Does that make sense and perhaps help you see a possibility for her perspective? What does she mean when she says you are equal? Has she explained or described what she means by that?
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-29-2012 at 06:36 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-29-2012, 06:23 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flight85 View Post
Dingedheart, you are fairly close to understanding the question.

Cindie, as I expected I wasn't clear. Yes, my primary partner and I live together. Yes, my primary partner has hesitantly agreed to the relationship that I have with my long time friend that once was considered an affair. While it was always just an extension of our friendship it was still considered an affair because of how it was handled. The situation now is that my sencondary partner is starting a relationship. I'm ok with that. As dingedheart said, I'm wondering if I'm right or wrong to think that my years of investment and friendship should be valued more? Also just to clarify, I introduced everybody to eachother. I met each individual during the course of my life and became friends with them separtely.
I don't understand why you should be her primary if she's your secondary. That just seems like you wish she would hold you in a higher position than you hold her in. Now, if you viewed BOTH of your partners as "primaries" then it wouldn't seem quite so off to me.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:12 AM
Flight85 Flight85 is offline
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Cindie, thats an interesting viewpoint which is part of the reason I posed the question. Although I'm thinking now that I may have put it in the wrong section.

km34, I do view them both as equal and I treat them both as equals. It's they, themselves that have decided the primary/secondary situation. On the surface it appears that way too as I live with one but due to other issues related to my accident I stay with the other one night a week with a rare occurance of two nights a week. When we lived together for several months FWIW at the instance of the partner I live with we all slept in the same bed. Now THAT was a strange period of time for me.
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