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Old 03-27-2012, 08:06 PM
ssmoore ssmoore is offline
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Default Am I selfish?

I was having a conversation with someone the other day about my current situation having a husband and another person in my life. they asked if my husband had someone else and he does not so they asked what does he get out of this, anyhow the question is, am I selfish for not wanting or allowing my husband to watch me and my other partner when we are intimate?
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:24 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by ssmoore View Post
I was having a conversation with someone the other day about my current situation having a husband and another person in my life. they asked if my husband had someone else and he does not so they asked what does he get out of this, anyhow the question is, am I selfish for not wanting or allowing my husband to watch me and my other partner when we are intimate?
No, it's not selfish at all. Besides, it's not totally up to you. Your other partner has a right to privacy.

Your husband gets more out of you being poly than just the opportunity to see you have sex with someone else. He gets to enjoy your expansive love and your happiness at being fulfilled. He might eventually find someone else for himself, there's no rule you both have to have other partners at the same time. It's not a race or competition.

Don't let judgmental assholes who are uneducated about poly bring you down.
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:06 PM
ssmoore ssmoore is offline
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That is exactly what I told this person. She just couldn't understand that I could have feelings for both men or that hubby could be ok with this. She just really had me questioning my self, as hubby would like to watch, but was not up set when I explained that I just didn't feel that was something I would be able to do. He is a very laid back sort of person and not argumentative at all so just really checking my thought process.

Thanks for your reply....

Were new to poly and still learning...
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:21 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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She just couldn't understand that I could have feelings for both men or that hubby could be ok with this. She just really had me questioning my self...
UGH, I can so relate!

I have a friend who insists that if I tell men I am open to polyamory, I am just setting myself up to being used, and that they will leave me after getting what they want, and so on and so on. She met a lover of mine once and the next day referred to him as "your man" in an email, even after I explained to her that he is a friend I am physical with, not a boyfriend. I replied and told her he is not "mine" and that we enjoy our relationship without those kinds of designations. She always says, whenever I talk about poly, that she and "all her single girlfriends" are jealous whenever I tell her I have even one guy, never mind that I want two or three or four. She used to say this even when I was with Shorty, whom I only saw about once or twice a month. I think she even once asked me, "Don't you think it's selfish to want more when most of us can't even find one?" Her mindset is so wrapped up in monogamous stereotypes of the poor single chick looking for Mr. Right everywhere she goes, that she can't really hear what I'm telling her about my choices. And sometimes she has me feeling like I must be nuts.

So, some people will never understand. Just don't let their refusal to see or hear what you're saying shake you and how you want to lead your own life. Some people aren't the right people to tell.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 04:54 AM.
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  #5  
Old 03-27-2012, 09:34 PM
ssmoore ssmoore is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
UGH, I can so relate!

I have a friend who insists that if I tell men I am open to polyamory, I am just setting myself up to being used, and that they will leave me after getting what they want, and so on and so on. She met a lover of mine once and the next day referred to him as "your man" in an email, even after I explained to her that he is a friend I am physical with, not a boyfriend. I replied and told her he is not "mine" and that we enjoy our relationship without those kinds of designations. She always says, whenever I talk about poly, that she and "all her single girlfriends" are jealous whenever I tell her I have even one guy, never mind that I want two or three or four. She used to say this even when I was with Shorty, whom I only saw about once or twice a month. I think she even once asked me, "Don't you think it's selfish to want more when most of us can't even find one?" Her mindset is so wrapped up in monogamous stereotypes of the poor single chick looking for Mr. Right everywhere she goes, that she can't really hear what I'm telling her about my choices. And sometimes she has me feeling like I must be nuts.

So, some people will never understand. Just don't let there refusal to see or hear what you're saying shake you and how you want to lead your own life. Some people aren't the right people to tell.
my friend is newly single and was a bit shocked at the dating world she is finding. She is ok with swinging as a married couple and dating multiple people as a single person but couldn't wrap her head around building a relationship with another maybe it is jealousy or lack of education. but either way ....
I became frustrated trying to explain to her that is was not even about sex.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-05-2014 at 02:45 AM.
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Old 03-28-2012, 12:27 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ssmoore View Post
my friend is newly single and was a bit shocked at the dating world she is finding. She is ok with swinging as a married couple and dating multiple people as a single person but couldn't wrap her head around building a relationship with another maybe it is jealousy or lack of education. but either way ....
I became frustrated trying to explain to her that is was not even about sex to begin with, that was just a bonus.
Just remember you two see things differently, and that's okay. I would drop it for now, unless later she wants to know more from a non-judgmental standpoint.
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