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Old 03-23-2012, 12:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default Don't Ask Don't Tell thoughts

I will never, if I can possibly help it, date anyone with a DADT agreement again. I had a relationship I had with a man that ended with his wife calling me up and telling me never to contact him again. A year later she emailed me to see if I would be interested in a threesome with her and him. She asked if we could meet. I declined in a message that let her know that I do not like or seek casual sex and that I had been "in love" with her husband. It had not been exclusively about the sex for me. She wrote back and said she had not known that, wished me well and said that she now didn't want to meet up.

I had a talk with this old boyfriend today (we meet by chance last week and planned to meet and talk) about the DADT policy he had with his wife back then when he and I were seeing each other. I had heard that it doesn't work for most people and keeps people moving further away from one another rather than closer together. They notice that rather than addressing each stressor that comes up in a relationship individually, it causes a tidal wave of many emotions and concerns that almost cost people their marriage's. This man struggled after his wife found out about us. They did for some time, but they are back on track and he has a girlfriend (well... fuck buddy), and she has a LDR boyfriend that she sees occasionally.

At one point he said something along the lines of DADT policies not working because the people involved say they don't want to know and aren't going to ask and then suddenly they do ask, or they find something out, or their partner changes, or comes home with the signs of having sex on them... he asked hypothetically where the line is between knowing and not knowing? How can one ever hope to know what information to give and what not to give? After all, if you have agreed to talk about it, how can you ask what is too much information? At what point does a partner who doesn't want to know all of a sudden care what is happening? The line is pretty thin I think... the tidal wave of information at that point is on the verge of becoming a tsunami.

I thought these really good points and thought I would pass them along to those that are considering DADT policies with their partners or are in them.
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Old 03-23-2012, 01:18 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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"he asked hypothetically where the line is between knowing and not knowing? How can one ever hope to know what information to give and what not to give? After all, if you have agreed to talk about it, how can you ask what is too much information? At what point does a partner who doesn't want to know all of a sudden care what is happening? The line is pretty thin I think... the tidal wave of information at that point is on the verge of becoming a tsunami."

With non-spouse or secondary relationships, for me, that "line" is the point at which what I don't know can impact me negatively (affect my time, put me into awkward situations, etc.). It is, unfortunately, a line that the secondary needs to identify and be aware of, because I don't have the information necessary to protect myself. The difficulty I have with "don't ask, don't tell" so far, is that I keep learning things about my main secondary "the hard way," the painful way. Yeah... I don't like "don't ask, don't tell." The only person I can really trust to protect me from the negative impact of things is Me.
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Old 03-23-2012, 01:51 AM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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I agree. I don't think I could deal with a don't ask don't tell arrangement with a lover or a metamour.

I had a very brief exposure to a guy from OkCupid in an open relationship a bit over a year ago. His wife seemed reluctant to talk to me. My newbie mistake was an email where my intent was to make sure the relationship was actually open....but I didn't do it well, she didn't take it well, and the relationship with the guy never progressed past IMs.

She didn't want to be forced to acknowledge me. She didn't want her husband to actually have a relationship with me. If I had been just an anonymous fuck she'd have been happier, but, I can't do that sort of thing.

So, better to know right off the bat that a DADT situation is a bad fit for me.
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:00 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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I couldn't enter a relationship with a DADT policy.

My new love interest invited me in to meet his wife on one of our first dates. It felt a little intense, as we had only just started spending time together, but I was so glad to see that she was very comfortable with the idea of him dating. It turned out that I was very glad it happened.
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Old 03-23-2012, 02:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think that so much of the success of any of this is personality, or personal character driven. The policy is not necessarily at fault but the wack job participants.

I'm sure mature, honest, self aware, loving adults can handle these arrangements. And conversely insecure and immature idiots will fuck it up.

From the example RP gave how does someone in a declared "open marriage" with a stated DADT policy in place flip out when it's discovered that other relationships are actually happening. Then on top of that flip out on the outsider???? Nothing makes sense in that. Sounds more like go ahead have a relationship as long as I don't catch you. How young were these people?
Then to call you up a yr later and want to hire you for a 3some ...some fucking balls.... or wack job
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Old 03-23-2012, 06:10 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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Exclamation DADT contrary to Compersion!

To me, if someone wants a DADT policy, then chances are they haven't fully embraced the true meaning of Polyamory, and they definitely have not learned diddly squat about Compersion!

And to me...I just don't want that at all. I want to know what my partners are up to and I want to share their happiness about it. Tell me the juicy details and maybe it'll even give us new ideas on what we two can do together. What's to hide? It's completely against some of the big major points of being poly to begin with!
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Old 03-23-2012, 07:23 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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compersion was never a big selling point for me. In fact that concept seemed like a dream.
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think that so much of the success of any of this is personality, or personal character driven. The policy is not necessarily at fault but the wack job participants.

I'm sure mature, honest, self aware, loving adults can handle these arrangements. And conversely insecure and immature idiots will fuck it up.

From the example RP gave how does someone in a declared "open marriage" with a stated DADT policy in place flip out when it's discovered that other relationships are actually happening. Then on top of that flip out on the outsider???? Nothing makes sense in that. Sounds more like go ahead have a relationship as long as I don't catch you. How young were these people?
Then to call you up a yr later and want to hire you for a 3some ...some fucking balls.... or wack job
Yaaaa, no, this has not been my experience at all. It has been my experience that people that are mature and been together forever are just as likely to loose it when they find out that the policy they agreed to means they have not known that the beer that their husband went out for with his buddies one night was actually his way of saying, "I'm going to a fuck party with some people I met off the internet." I doesn't seem to matter one way or the other, DADT's just don't seem to work. DADT policies don't keep people together in healthy relationships. There is no end to DADT's that is safely going to keep people from either thinking or knowing what their partner is doing or done. There is no future in DADT's that is happy, healthy or keeps people ignorant. Not that I have ever seen anyway.

The people I am talking about have been married 20 years this year. He is 47 and she is 42. They have an "open relationship" to them its all about sex, not love. He didn't tell her that he said he loved me and that I loved him because he didn't want her to loose it even more as far as I know. Then when she wrote, she found out that there was an emotional connection she didn't know about. They had to deal with that afterwards... I don't think they have quite worked that out together actually as far as emotional connections go. I don't think she gets the emotional connection part.

Those that use DADT policies are skirting on the edge of danger, unable to put their brain in the space of their partner having sex with someone else. Really, I think everyone would do better to give the whole "sex with others" idea WAYYYY more time instead.

When Mono was dealing with me going out with someone new he purposely put his head their. He forced himself to imagine me fucking someone else so that he would get through it. It made for some challenging sex.... but he swears it works.

For a time we had a DADT because he really could not handle me having sex with others at all. When it came down to it, it was worse what his head did to the situations I was in than what was actually going on.

I did nothing actually. On purpose. I wanted to be able to say that nothing happened and have him go through it with some respite at the end in finding out I hadn't. Now I still don't trust that he will be okay if I find another partner... he swears up and down he will be though... that is whole other story.
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:42 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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RP,
First I agree it maybe healthier to not have a DADT.

I get that its the denial and thinking behind the policy ...but I'm saying the policy itself isn't to blame. It could be executed in an honest and fair manner.

In the example you sited it sounded like this couple had a no falling in love rule that he either ignored or wasn't in his copy of the rule book . I would think that would be under the guidelines on opening up our relationship. DADT would deal with specific activities and interactions.

My wife and I had such a policy ...her saying she was going out or had a date ...or had plans all meant she was going to see her bf. She never lied. she didn't say one thing and mean another...not to me anyway ...she did lie to the kids several times.

I guess the range and scope open relationship and DADT have to be tightly nailed down for comparison. If you have an open relationship ...which means "romantic dating" and sex ...gosh hard to believe the word LOVE might pop up. Seems pretty predictable.

I guess from your point of view I had a modified or soft DADT?
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Old 03-25-2012, 12:30 PM
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Default Dadt

My wife and I are at the end of a triad relationship where the wife "thought" she had a DADT agreement. As their relationship started to skid she offered him to stop seeing us which turned into a "you've been fucking them?!?! since when is seeing them fucking them??!"

A complete emotional mess for everyone. Which translated into us not being able to see each other at all anymore.

A and I have chosen to go Mono with each other per her request though she always puts that "for now" addendum on everything as the escape clause.
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