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Old 03-21-2012, 09:05 AM
lostinlove lostinlove is offline
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Default Still confused

Hi all,

I've posted before a few weeks ago when my partner of 4 years and father of my child told me that he thinks he may be poly inclined. We had talks about it and it upset me so much that he said that we would take it off the table for the timebeing. When he told me his feelings I asked him if he was at all seeing anyone and he told me no. I have since found out he has been seeing another woman for months, has had her in our home while our son was sleeping and even more recently lied to me and got my family to look after our son so that he could go meet up with her.

I want a mono life but i have realised that in order to keep him as I do love him even with all his faults and I want to keep my family together, I have to accept the polly lifestyle and to be honest I just don't know how to do this. I am supposed to be the 1st and most important relationship but I already feel like I can't txt him incase he is talking to her and i'm imposing. I feel like the other woman. I honestly don't know what to do, how i'm supposed to feel, how do I get to the point where I am happy for him that he has found someone else that makes him happy.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:47 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Hello and welcome.

How do you get there? Not like that. Certainly not like that. HE broke your trust, went behind your back for months and now you should miraculously be OK with it? That's just wrong and unreasonable. Before he starts asking of you to accept this new person in his life, he should work hard to regain your trust and try to make up for the damage he has caused.

Does he pressure you with the family? Saying that this won't be for the best of the children if you two were to separate? Children will notice if you are unhappy and they can tell that something isn't right and that you are suffering. Don't give them such a horrible example of putting up with things one shouldn't be able to tolerate just because some is making demands.

Don't ask others how you are suppose to feel. You should know how you are feeling and what the things are you want or don't want. Examine those and stand up for what you want and need and make it clear to him that he is in the place to do a lot of work for your marriage before giving being in another relationship even the slightest thought.

That would be what my take on your situation is. Wishing you luck to figure out your footing to stand on in this.
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:22 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So he said he'd take it off the table ...but continued to cheat at that point.

Then got caught and now that its all in the open he decides to continue as everything is OK.

Cheater's are only interested in satisfying their urges ...many use poly as a cover to justify their behavior. That becomes really clear if and when the spouse then starts dating and they have a melt down.

If you want a mono life ...don't settle ....why settle for anything less. AND more importantly why settle with a guy who has no problem looking you in the eye and lying his ass off.

I suggest you both go to couple counseling to unravel the true source of the infidelity and how to deal with that. I'd demand a halt to his extracurricular fun until after some counseling you both determine the direction of your marriage.
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Old 03-23-2012, 02:12 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I am a real hard ass when it comes to cheating. Only because I have some experience with it and have been here a realllly long time

First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to you. Its a devastation that we have read about here over and over again. Have a look at the threads under the tag search "cheating." You will see you are not alone.

Cheating is not poly. Poly is consentual, based on integrity, open and honest communication and consideration (empathy). Cheating is completely the opposite of poly and about selfishness, greed, laziness, cowardice, deceit and can be addictive.

If he wants to live in a relationship dynamic that is poly then I suggest he start again. I suggest he tell the gf he won't be seeing her for a long time and concentrate on you and what you have in your relationship. He has a HUGE amount of integrity to rebuild. It could take years and he should expect it to be that long. He has no right at all, as far as I am concerned, to become impatient with you, disappointed its taking so long or push you to go any fast than you need. You have no right, if you decide to find a way to get to a place where you will be okay with his relationship with her or others, to stop working on your feelings of deception, threat of him lying again, feelings of betrayal and mistrust. He needs to prove to you that it will not happen again. Only you can say when you forgive him entirely and trust him again. Its you that will have to take the first step of trusting him again and he should know that that is usually a major deal.

He fucked up. You don't have to suck it up for him. He needs help. It sounds like he was deep into his deception if he was getting away with having had gf over for the occasions you mentioned. As Dinged said, "cheaters are only interested in satisfying their urges." I believe that also. It becomes an addiction of selfishness and greed. It takes away everything that you had and gives it to himself. All the wonderful stuff you two had together he chose to hoard and feed himself while he pushed you aside... it might feel like he gave it to her, but he actually did this for himself.

Again, I am sorry this happened to you. Now you know and you are in control. Good news is that it sounds like he wants to work this out and stay with you. Make the decisions that are going to be healthy for you in this new reality, for you and your kids. There are others that will be faithful out there if you find its just not going to work for you. There are good men that would love nothing more than to cherish and honour you with the values of integrity, honesty and compassion. Why settle if he is not willing to stop and see what he will lose. Hopefully he will open his eyes and see before its too late. It sounds like he has made a start... I am crossing my fingers for you.
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