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Old 03-21-2012, 03:02 AM
dragonsbyte dragonsbyte is offline
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Default First Poly Relationship Ever!

Hello! I am a complete newbie to polyamory. I was married for over 17 years to a man whom i recently found out that he had cheated on me with a member of my family. We are currently separated, and will be divorced in about 4 months. My ex-husband and i have had a very poor relationship at best for many years. We are friends at best, but not in the bedroom! I have no sexual desire for my husband at all anymore, which i find sad.

Two months ago, I decided to join a dating website. I posted that I was separated and would soon be divorced. I received an email from a man whose name is Jeff told me never to give up on love, that I would find love again someday. We began to email each other, and quickly moved to phone calls and finally, to our first meet & greet. We met for coffee and stayed together for over 6 hours! We continued with our phone calls after our first date. One nite, i asked him if he had any girl friends. There was a slight pause, and then he answered yes: one! Then Jeff asked me if i had ever heard of polyamory. He asked me to look it up, which i did, and he explained that his girl friend is poly. She is his first encounter with polyamory, and they have been together for over 3 years. i am his first second? girl friend. The girl friend has had many poly relationships besides Jeff over the last 3 years. Yes, we are dating and sleeping together. I decided after heavy consideration, that he is worth a poly relationship to me. Jeff is a kind, honest & very loving person who states that he is capable of infinite love. I have found this to be true.

I need help with not being jealous. I have found myself wondering about their relationship, if it is better than ours, or if she is different in bed. Jeff encourages me to ask him anything at all to include questions about his girl friend. He has learned more about about me in 5 weeks, than most people who have known me for years! We have a very open relationship based on honesty. Also, what do i tell my family & friends? I have told 2 people, and they think I am crazy. All I know is that I have a 1000 times better relationship with Jeff than I do with ex-husband, and that I love him already.

Thank you for listening to all of my crazy mixed up thoughts!
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Old 03-21-2012, 04:50 AM
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Hi! Welcome .

I have been in a similar situation as yours now for almost 2 years. He and I are now deeply in love with each other. Yet, still it seems that every few weeks there is something new for us to manage and work through. But we try.

I don't have the answers you are seeking other than to tell you to be open, honest, have patience and trust in your relationship with him. And also to know that you are not alone in your feelings, experiences and thoughts. It's difficult to work through many of them, people don't really get how it feels to be Secondary. It can be hard to find someone to talk to about these crazy feelings you experience. It can be a lonely place. I have to admit, it's great to see another mono secondary on here that I can relate to.

Would love to chat more with you, if you'd like, perhaps via personal message if you'd rather that. Also know that there are awesome people on here that can give plenty of advice and insight.....

Check out www.morethantwo.com for advice on dealing with jealousy and being the secondary. It helped me a lot....almost 2 years later, I still go back there and read the articles.
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Old 03-21-2012, 04:56 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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PS. Regarding telling your family and friends..... I didn't tell anyone the full extent for a long time. He was just a boyfriend I had. In my opinion, it was nobody's business. Now a handful of close friends and family know, as they began questioning why we weren't pursuing living together yet, etc etc.

Its more of a secret on his side for fear of judgement. And yes, it does suck to be kept a secret, I won't lie. But you can work through it.

It's a personal decision that you both have to make and accept. Have patience.

There are many personal aspects of relationships that people simply don't divulge, ths could be one of them.
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Old 03-21-2012, 04:31 PM
dragonsbyte dragonsbyte is offline
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Thank you, newtoday!

I appreciate your words of wisdom. I have some days where I am ok with this new relationship & other days where I i wonder if I am totally crazy for accepting this relationship. I don't like being the second, I would rather be equal to his other girl friend, and I sometimes wonder if I am a diversion to what she (other girl friend) is doing as most of our dates? have been on nites when she is with another person. This is such a new concept for me, yet I feel that I am a very open minded person & i thought i could deal with this without comparing myself to the other girl friend.

Thank you for the link to the morethantwo.com. I read parts of that this morning, and almost had me in tears, as it expresses so well some of what I am feeling. I would love to chat with you. Also thank you for the advice on friends & family. I think I am simply going to say that we are dating other people!
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Old 03-21-2012, 05:08 PM
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My thoughts: Would you really want it to be the same? I feel for me, that would make it less special. I would rather be loved equally but differently, I would rather not have my relationship be a copy of the other relationship. That seems like it would make me feel ... replaceable.
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Old 03-21-2012, 05:15 PM
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Don't get ahead of yourself, you just started dating this guy. Enjoy it and get to know him but keep your feet on the ground and your eyes open. You are still processing the effects of a divorce and, even though the relationship with your husband is definitely over and has been for a while, you are still grieving the loss. It is easy to mistake infatuation and strong attraction for more than what it is. Go slowly. Remember that there are chemicals, like hormones, oxytocin, endorphins, etc., at work here, which make everything heady and euphoric.

Also keep in mind that while you may be the "second" woman he's dated, if it gets serious between you, you might not actually be "secondary" in his eyes. It's possible that you will be as equally important to him as his current girlfriend, eventually. But that's a long, long way off. I recommend dating other people as well. Don't glom onto the first available man that shows interest. You don't need exclusivity or commitments right now. You just got out of a long unhappy marriage. Be careful not to project too much into this new situation, and good luck to you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-21-2012 at 09:10 PM.
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Old 03-21-2012, 09:03 PM
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Dragonsbyte, it's not and it won't be easy. You are new to this, as was I, and still have things to work through. We are all human and are entitled to feel the way we feel. That includes insecurities and doubt. Believe me, I can relate to every emotion you are feeling. Been there...a few times.

I get what you are saying about it being the same for both of you. But honestly, it can't be. She lives with him. You don't. And OkNewbs is so right in saying that why would you want it to be the same? You want to be loved equally, and you should be loved differently for the uniqueness that you bring to the relationship. He will want to be with you because of what you have to offer. And that makes you special.

Nycindie and OkNewbs are both right! This is new, take your time and figure it out. This may evolve into something wonderful and special or you may choose to walk away from it and find someone else but time will tell. For now, just relax and enjoy these new, wonderful experiences with your guy.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:55 AM
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FrankLee FrankLee is offline
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Default The timing of his revelation about polyamory...

... is a little surprising to me. But, as I see, it was OK with you, Dragonsbyte. I have a personal ad on OKCupid and state upfront that I am interested in the lifestyle known as polyamory. In fact, I corresponded with a new woman on that site today, and specifically asked her reaction to that.

I know, some may not agree with posting that upfront, but, I'm ready to get this issue cleared up to start with. Still, I am glad this is working for you, Dragonsbyte, I'm just a little curious that the fellow didn't bring it up sooner.
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:37 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Dragonsbyte and Newtoday, I'm glad to read this post, as I'm in the same situation...a mono secondary...I guess? In fact, Dragonsbyte, as I started reading your post, I double checked to make sure it was something I hadn't written myself, our stories are so similar! I was very recently divorced from a 20+ year marriage, due to cheating, when a long-time friend/co-worker asked me out to a very nice restaurant to talk business where he sprang the rest on me.

I've been seeing him for about 4 months now. In a way, it suits me well, as I was in no hurry to date and didn't want a boyfriend, anyway (way too much on my plate and kids need a parent around right now), and certainly am not looking for a new husband so soon, but I enjoy his company very much. I feel no jealousy toward his wife, but I do have a lot of confusion about the whole situation, what the 'rules' are, seeking some kind of recognizable paradigm to help me make sense of what it is he feels for me and why I'm so important to him.

I struggle with shifting to a mindset of 'dating' knowing it's not going anywhere so to speak. I knew years ago there would be an attraction between us if we were both single, with shared interests and all, but I struggle with knowing that if I let myself 'fall in love,' I will end up wanting what I can't have and getting hurt.

To me, right now, it seems that he'll eventually go his merry way with his wife, while he tells me that it's really the other way, that this is very bittersweet for him because I have a lot going for me and will soon meet someone who will most likely not want another boyfriend in the picture, and then he'll be left with an empty spot. I have no idea which is the truth.

I'd love to hear the input on these thoughts from those who have lived this lifestyle for a long time, as I'm still asking myself every day why I don't just walk away from this.

I'd love to talk more with the two of you (Dragonsbyte and Newtoday) or any others in our situation, whether by public thread of PMs.
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