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Old 03-01-2010, 10:23 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default Abuse

I read something in an article lately that was shocking to me.

Judith Lipton (author of the myth of monogamy) apparently stated that most people she interviewed who approach non-monogamy in their partnerships were once victims of abuse.

This caught my eye. I was a victim of abuse, mentally and physically, and am still recovering from it. It has crossed my mind if this has something to do with me exploring polyamory. And then I read this! Ack. It really made me think!

So - just a general question: Are there many victims of abuse on here as well, and regardless what are your thoughts on this
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi RS,

To me, in my experience dealing with MANY people open to discussing such things I've found this.

1> There have been people abused
2> There are people who WANT to feel abused - but weren't.
3> There are people who WERE abused but never realized it - no impact until someone put a light on it.
4> There were people who weren't abused, but maybe should have been (depending on your definition of 'abuse')

It's all really a convoluted mess, tangled up in religion, societies' rules about sexual conduct, mass media etc etc etc.

Whenever I get brought into such discussions I try to ask.......
How would it have been viewed (whatever the claim) in 5000 BC ?

Something like that.

GS
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:43 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi RS,

To me, in my experience dealing with MANY people open to discussing such things I've found this.

1> There have been people abused
2> There are people who WANT to feel abused - but weren't.
3> There are people who WERE abused but never realized it - no impact until someone put a light on it.
4> There were people who weren't abused, but maybe should have been (depending on your definition of 'abuse')

It's all really a convoluted mess, tangled up in religion, societies' rules about sexual conduct, mass media etc etc etc.

Whenever I get brought into such discussions I try to ask.......
How would it have been viewed (whatever the claim) in 5000 BC ?

Something like that.

GS
I am confused about this post.

Who are the many people? In what context?
does 1-4 relate to poly sites/ people?
Are you trying to define abuse?
and what do you mean bring it back to 5000 BC?

To be honest - I don't understand how this relates to the question about abuse coinciding with open relationships.

RS
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Old 03-02-2010, 12:07 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I was going to respond and say I have never been abused...however within anything there is perception. If I told someone some of the things that occured to me in my life, they may tell me I was abused. I don't personally believe it however.

RS I believe it is showing that a simple reference to abuse=poly/bdsm etc isn't simple, because classifying and understanding abuse is not as easy as it looks. Thats my take anyways
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:20 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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When I hear things like this, my first thought is "define abuse." Is it a spanking? A cousin being inappropriate? Is it years of molestation? Is it being yelled at over and over while growing up? It seems more of an anecdotal observation than real evidence if it is not fully defined.

But I am not saying it is false either. I could see reasons why they would be correlated. For example, if someone is sexually abused, normal relationships may not seem so normal and they may be more willing to be less tied to social norms. Or maybe if someone were abused, they rather spread out their love than to put all their love in one proverbial basket.
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Old 03-02-2010, 04:34 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I have to second/third the "how do you define abuse" thought.

I don't know that there is ANYONE on the planet who hasn't EVER been abused in one way or another...............
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:57 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
I am confused about this post.
.............
To be honest - I don't understand how this relates to the question about abuse coinciding with open relationships.

RS
Yea- sorry about that RS (and group),

I was just coming off a big philosophical debate and was still in that "mode" when I popped in here. It carried over.

I do see others "got it" however.
Basically the term itself (abuse) is too broad to have a coherent discussion around without scattering all over the place.

We'll see where it goes......

GS
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post


3> There are people who WERE abused but never realized it - no impact until someone put a light on it.


GS
They didn't realize the impact, or they didn't recognize the abuse? Even if they didn't recognize the abuse, there was most certainly some kind of impact.. when someone puts a light on it, you say "oh, gawd, is THAT why I feel that way/do that/ avoid that" etc..

But it's there, realized or not.

Fifteen years of not recognizing the abuse for what it was later, I understand what it did to me now.
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Old 03-08-2010, 03:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Thunderlizard View Post
They didn't realize the impact, or they didn't recognize the abuse? Even if they didn't recognize the abuse, there was most certainly some kind of impact.. when someone puts a light on it, you say "oh, gawd, is THAT why I feel that way/do that/ avoid that" etc..

But it's there, realized or not.

Fifteen years of not recognizing the abuse for what it was later, I understand what it did to me now.
I agree and I've seen instances of this too. Sorry to hear if you were one of them.

The thing I'm most afraid of today though is the 'victim' role. I think the vast majority of people have found themselves in what we'd term abusive situations at some point in our lives. Hell, Saudade mentioned probably the most common one - public school ! I know more people who have scars and baggage because of that experience alone than family/culture wounds.

But what's changed in the last 20 years or so is this whole victim culture. It's a live feed to even a lot of social/psychological workers raking in millions and in many cases having little real impact. Why ? Because in many cases they have their own issues (discovered via education) that they tend to transfer to their patients.

Long ramble which doesn't really fit here so I'll stop now.

Sufficient to say that in years past most people were able to keep that in proper context - i.e. as PAST experience-and move forward with their life in a more positive manner. And I've spoken with more than a few people who view the situation the same. Those were the people I was referring to when I mentioned some had no concept of abuse until someone pointed out to them they might have been a 'victim'. Their take ? "Oh - hell ya - that happened to me ages ago. I've left that far behind."
And so they have.

I realize that's not possible in all cases and I realize not all personalities seem to be constructed in a manner to support that. But I'm only afraid that "trying" - i.e. to just leave it in the past and move on - is being totally lost as even an option ! Part of building strength for facing life's challenges comes from dealing with existing ones head on. Not from crying foul and swallowing 12 pills a day.

GS
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Old 03-09-2010, 03:00 PM
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I do agree.. part of recovering is seeing the issue, dealing with it, and making it become a NON issue. Some have an easier time, some have a harder time, but success can come to anyone who truly strives for it.

It took a long time for me to recognize what was happening, but I'm happy to say that once I saw it for what it was, it took very little time for me to eliminate those people and situations from my life.

Replacing all that with constructive, positive relationships and people has been a revelation, in a lot of fantastic ways.
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