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  #1  
Old 03-20-2012, 04:03 PM
Chaz Chaz is offline
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Default Envy - sex for him but not for me

As of last November my Wife has taken the first step in our Open Marriage agreement by taking on a lover. The agreement goes something like this:
-She can go out and date and have sex while I stay at home with the kids. This has included a couple of weekend trips with her lover.

-I am only allowed to have sex outside the marriage on business trips, not at home. At this point I have not had any success on that front.
Also around November, we emerged from a difficult time in our marriage, not related to sex. We are in the clear now emotionally and the marriage feels strong. However, we have only had sex twice since then, whereas she has sex with her lover about once a week. I have made it very clear that this bothers me no end. I don't expect a 1:1 kind of thing, but when we get into the 30:1 kind of ratios, it starts seeming awfully unfair.

I understand that after coming out of a difficult time in a marriage can mean that there isn't a lot of sex, but it sure feels like she's getting her sexual needs filled and not bothering to address re-connecting with me.

What drives me crazy is that her lover gets lots of sexual goodies, and I get virtually none, while at the same time I'm barred from filling my needs outside unless i'm out of town on work, where I'm generally busy and not very good at the "pick-up" bar scene anyways.

What does everyone think? Is my envy reasonable?
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  #2  
Old 03-20-2012, 04:23 PM
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bastet bastet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaz View Post
The agreement goes something like this:
-She can go out and date and have sex while I stay at home with the kids. This has included a couple of weekend trips with her lover.

-I am only allowed to have sex outside the marriage on business trips, not at home. At this point I have not had any success on that front.
So your wife is allowed to have a regular lover but you are only allowed to hook up with people when away? What do you want? If it's not that then maybe it's time to talk about it some more. Do you want to pursue people at home? Why is it ok for her and not you?

I'm new here and don't have a lot of answers about envy etc. but talking about how you feel to her is a good place to start.
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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This is clearly a case where "relationship broken, add people" does not work. It's time to renegotiate!
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:41 PM
Chaz Chaz is offline
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I'm actually OK with the agreement. I was actually thrilled with the whole thing when it started. With month after month of virtually no sex however has made me bitter and resentful. I told her this in a long letter last night and was just yelled at on the phone for about a half an hour about how she can't make me happy because making others happy is impossible and that my writing the letter was a plea for pity, and who wants to have sex with someone who just feels sorry for themselves anyways. What she says is that I'm just trying to ruin her fun.

I understand where she's coming from for sure but I just don't understand why it isn't reasonable for me to ask for more in the context of someone else having sex.
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:57 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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When my marriage finally started to get repaired, our sex increased significantly. To me this sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble and I would suggest counceling. Your wife is using you as a babysitter and paycheck while she builds her life elsewhere.
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:06 PM
Chaz Chaz is offline
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It's not really like that, there's no chance of that and she's communicated that quite clearly.
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:29 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaz View Post
We are in the clear now emotionally and the marriage feels strong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaz View Post
I told her this in a long letter last night and was just yelled at on the phone for about a half an hour about how she can't make me happy because making others happy is impossible and that my writing the letter was a plea for pity, and who wants to have sex with someone who just feels sorry for themselves anyways. What she says is that I'm just trying to ruin her fun.
I'm sorry dude, but your statements are contradicting each other. In a relationship that's emotionally "in the clear" one partner doesn't spend a half an hour yelling at the other for trying to express a problem. I've blown up at my partner once or twice and felt like an ass and apologized, but there's a big difference between a brief emotional outburst and a sustained, belittling rant, which is what it sounds like you endured.

Your envy is extremely reasonable. If she doesn't want to try to heal your sexual relationship, and doesn't want to pull back on things with her lover during this rough time, well, that's a big shame. But to hold those stances AND to insist that you not have the same outlet that she has by having a partner locally? What the hell? What is the possible rationale?

What were you two thinking when you made this agreement? What is she thinking that she won't let it bend now that it's obvious it's not working?
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:47 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Well, you`re playing the role of the pussy-whipped man.

A role I don't think you initially signed up for, but I hope you see it now.

She is most definitely going to kick and stomp like a child about any complaining you do. You signed on to do things as she pleased, without even negotiating what you wanted. Most likely because you didn`t know what to ask for, or what was possible. Very human mistake to make. Live and learn, right ?

So instead of ASKING PERMISSION for things, and being told what you can and cannot do, relative to what makes her happy,...How about you find a realistic approach on what you want for yourself, your needs, and what feels fair to BOTH parties.
Present her with it as a subject that needs negotiating, not as asking permission for what you want.
If the history you have provided us is true, shit will hit the fan.
As it should.
It`s time to figure out what you are really dealing with. If it`s just a case of a spouse having a greedy time period,...things will blow over, and a mutual agreement, and respect can start.
If this is how it is,...you better find out now so you can make some long-term choices.

The other option is to keep super-calm, super-understanding, and hope that it all sorts itself out. Meanwhile you can read 30 books on compersion, learn to lawn bowl, and waste 3 years of your life driving yourself crazy desiring physical intimacy.
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Old 03-22-2012, 02:48 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaz View Post
-She can go out and date and have sex while I stay at home with the kids. This has included a couple of weekend trips with her lover.

-I am only allowed to have sex outside the marriage on business trips, not at home. At this point I have not had any success on that front.
So, number one, you accept an inferior agreement the reasons for which you`ve kept under wraps in this thread so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaz View Post
and not very good at the "pick-up" bar scene anyways.
Number two, you don`t address gender differences.

If anything, if I am going to have an open thing with a woman, we will have to deal with precisely the issue of pick up and gender. And, I would expect an empathic female partner to, at the very least, entertain the perspective that picking up requires a significantly greater expenditure of time, energy and resources for a male than it does for a willing female (assuming we`re talking about casual, heterosexual pick up).

So, if anything, you`re the slower partner, the agreements should be tailored to your needs, IMO.

That`s why I find it difficult to have open arrangements with women who aren`t bisexual. I`d like to hear of examples to the contrary, but basically, all open relationships I`ve seen between heterosexual women and men end up the same way: woman has multiple prospects, man sucks thumb...

Except for mine, I don`t know why. In the two open relationships I`ve had, I had more casual partners than my female counterparts, I believe. But that seems to be an oddity, and I was basically crazy to have gone into it, in retrospect. I was also younger and very actively pursuing women, which, would be hard to keep up at my age.

If the female half in a relationship isn`t a unicorn or wing (and she actively pursues casual sex), it seems almost impossible that the situation won`t revert to the pussy-whipped scenario you find yourself in.

I`m at a loss here, because it also seems that the usual female insistence on emotional connection may even things out in the end (as it did in my ORs). Or, maybe I simply don`t adapt to heterosexual pick up so well, especially nowadays. I also don`t know how much of that is because I am picky about women, in certain very specific ways.

I certainly wouldn`t want to reign in a female partner due to my inability to pick up women. Nor, would I want her to be a wing if she weren`t going to enjoy her pick ups. Hence the bisexual clause, so that pick up is in part a joint effort.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 03-22-2012 at 03:12 AM.
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  #10  
Old 03-22-2012, 03:41 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Feely, why the heck would you consider a guy "pussy-whipped" if his female partner has more prospects for casual sex than he does? That makes no sense whatsoever to me. "Pussy-whipped" implies that the guy in question is letting his female partner's desires dominate him unfairly. If a woman were not conventionally attractive, or socially awkward, or for some reason had more trouble finding hook-ups than her male partner, would that make her "cock-whipped" or whatever the equivalent would be?

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