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  #1  
Old 03-01-2010, 05:58 AM
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disarmedheart disarmedheart is offline
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Default My dilemma

I met my current partner (M) whilst I was in a monogamous relationship with someone else. My girlfriend at the time (O) and I were just starting to open up to the idea of polyamory and this was her first choice as a possible triad candidate.

Fast forward, the triad relationship is over, ending with my original partner (O) lying and cheating on the both of us (M and I). This broke M's heart and neither of us had really ever been mono together and didn't quite know how to go about it at first and there was much adjusting to be done. We tried to form other poly relationships, but none quite took off.

We've both always been of the polyfidelitous triad mindset.

Present day, I am still very much wanting to be involved in a triad type relationship whereas M no longer seems to want polyamory in her life in any form. I'm not really sure what I should do.

We've both talked about everything openly, very extensively. We've also been together for over 6 years. It just seems like we want different things now, but we both want the other in our lives. She is content to remain monogamous, but I just feel so strongly towards the triad lifestyle we once had. I just feel like I'm suited for it.

I'm at a loss. I don't feel like this is something I should leave the relationship over, as it seems a bit ridiculous and I want to share a triad relationship with her, but I understand that that is no longer something she wants. At the same time, I do not feel that I can, in good conscience, just be content with a monogamous relationship. To that end, I d not feel that I can satisfy her needs for a monogamous partner.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud here, but I really don't know what I should do. I feel this odd sense of abandonment, like she's just left behind the ideals we once shared, even though I know this is irrational and that people and their needs and wants change. It is just so sad that we both want to be together, but our differing directions seem to be leading us apart. I feel guilty because I know this is largely my 'fault' for wanting something 'more' than what I already share with her, but at the same time it is difficult for me to accept that I can not love more than one person within the bounds of our current relationship. It just doesn't seem right.

*facepalm*
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  #2  
Old 03-01-2010, 07:29 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by disarmedheart View Post
I feel guilty because I know this is largely my 'fault' for wanting something 'more' than what I already share with her, *
This is no person's fault my friend. This is your nature and her nature. There is no blame when both are honest whether compatible or not.

No need to feel guilty.

Take care and stay true to yourself
Mono
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  #3  
Old 03-01-2010, 02:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Disarmed,

I think it's important to keep some distinction between things from a philosophical perspective as well as a practical perspective.

I think we all live somewhat in one or the other of those worlds at different times. With our unique personalities one may have one foot deeper in one world than the other more of the time.

And in regards to poly, relationships etc, this is VERY much a factor. There's a definite philosophy that you either gravitate to or not. It sounds like you both do.

Then there's the practical side. Different beast.
Getting too wrapped up in either living or pursuing 'poly' can be time and emotionally draining. Different people have different demands on them in their daily lives and some are (even if temporarily) tapped out on either or both ! So the desire just isn't there.

We've both been on and off this wagon more times than I can count LOL

Maybe this is where you two are at right now. She may just have a lot going on in her life (and head) and as much as she might be philosophically comfortable with the whole idea, just simply doesn't have the resources left to put towards it.

Be patient. Relax. Time changes everything.

GS
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:52 PM
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Thunderlizard Thunderlizard is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

Be patient. Relax. Time changes everything.

GS
OR.. it doesn't. She may have actually changed her mindset on a permanent basis.. if that's so, then the honesty and communication are going to be your greatest allies.

Definitely give her time to evaluate and decide.. but keep the dialogue open, as well. Make sure you're not individually working on the situation to different ends... know where your head is, and where hers is. There's certainly precedent for this situation that has ended in a positive relationship wherein one partner is mono and one is not. I have to double agree with "be patient".. that's the best advice, along with "Talk!"

Fingers crossed for you!
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:43 PM
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disarmedheart disarmedheart is offline
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Thanks for all the responses.

That's the thing, I am being patient. It's been well on 3 years now; she went from 'give me time' to 'I am definitely interested in only having a mono relationship.'

During that 3 years, it's not like we'd been talking about it or that I was pestering her or anything; I simply waited for her to say anything about it, but it never came, so recently I started talking about my feelings on this area again and she made herself clear this time and I just don't know where that leaves me.
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Old 03-01-2010, 09:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It sounds like your relationship is at a crossroads and that she has made her choice. You need to decide if the benefits of staying with her outweigh the disadvantages of not being able to see other people, or else go your separate ways.
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  #7  
Old 03-01-2010, 11:40 PM
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Thunderlizard Thunderlizard is offline
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Indeed.. a tough spot to be in. My wife went through similar circumstances several times before we got together... and although she wasn't able to resolve the differences with her partners.... here's hoping that you can.
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:43 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by disarmedheart View Post
Fast forward, the triad relationship is over, ending with my original partner (O) lying and cheating on the both of us (M and I). This broke M's heart and neither of us had really ever been mono together and didn't quite know how to go about it at first and there was much adjusting to be done. We tried to form other poly relationships, but none quite took off.

We've both always been of the polyfidelitous triad mindset.
Hey Disarmed,

Missed this the first time - sorry.

This is hard. She - both of you - were hurt. It's a lot of effort living such a lifestyle. For some the "possible" benefits just aren't worth the hassle & potential heartbreak. I guess I can say both my mate & I have been on and off that horse several times over time. Sometimes you just don't have it in you to get on again.

And I guess that's what I meant when I said time changes much. We only have so much emotional energy at a given time and a lot depends on what else it competing for it.

But too bad you've been in a holding pattern for 3 years ! That's a long healing time, but maybe you needed it.

We wish you all the happiness you can build.

GS
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