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Old 03-19-2012, 04:35 PM
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bastet bastet is offline
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Hi I'm new here. Posted a short bio in the introductions thread. Synopsis Female Bi / Poly / N00b

Longish mental debate/question session about to commence:

All of our (Husband & I) contacts have currently involved women because there is one taboo/boundary that isn't quite ready to be crossed for husband. That would be men. LSL (husband) is still not comfortable with the idea of me being with other men. He is entertaining it, examining why it bothers him, debating his engrained reactions (for this alone I love him to pieces). The caveat, I want this, I have even entertained finding my own couple to be with in "ideal scenario situations".

I should mention here perhaps that the sex bond w/ LSL is healthy happy & better than it was when we started this exploration. Yah positive open sex talk! It really healed and bonded us in ways we didn't expect.

Perhaps ironically opportunity knocked sooner than expected amidst out talks & debates on the matter. I met a boy, a special boy. Another poly in a similar situation to mine. Our spouses want to entertain their own pursuits, with us periodically included yet can't bear the idea that we might find joy in others sans them.

We have met, stole glances, sipped coffee, laughed & traded trickles of verbal intimacy. Neither of us, unfortunately, feel comfortable discussing this development with our respective spouses. We want them to have their pursuits without the stress of us, whatever it is or will be. We acknowledge that it's deceitful. It's the topic of discussion whenever we meet. Neither of us want to leave them, hurt them or disrupt their current ventures into polyamory as they are experiencing it. We just wish instead of this smoldering thing between us, that it could be out. Yet this would be a two-fold disaster 1 hurting our spouses (feeling betrayed etc.) and 2 possibly making them both backtrack their own pursuits.

So we are poly minded? - yet unfaithful? - cheerleaders to our poly venturing partners but acknowledge that what we are feeling is in the shadows. I've done all the rationalization, it's ethically wrong, truth is the only truth, this will lead to no good. Still, I find myself developing something with a like mind while hoping that LSL will find dating his current crush fulfilling enough that he will perhaps understand me better. Through action comes understanding and all that mumbo.

It will most likely all go to shit because I've broken my personal rule. 15+ yrs and it's never been an issue. Irony, on the precipice of my favorite human in the world's further awakening, I hold some influence to make it less than beautiful. So is the naked truth the true path here? Is a wait, be silent, observe young padawan better or some other unforeseen option?

(note LSL & boys Wife are not involved nor do they really know one another, yet. They are pursing partners dependent of us all.)

Since I wrote this (yesterday), LSL has contacted the girl crush and she has accepted a coffee date after work. I'm excited for him, feel like maybe I shouldn't be this excited for him but it's the first emotion that came up.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:48 PM
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The naked truth is, in fact, the only path here. You said he's examining his feelings, now's his chance to actually do so in more depth, and to learn that you will be honest with him, which will help do away with one potential source of fear. On the other hand, if he finds out on his own it will make out harder for him to accept this, more easier, and could even permanently damage the trust between you two.

Be honest. Now, while it's still a new, mostly innocent flirtation. Give him the chance to be as open minded as he's trying to be.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:56 PM
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I know, it's the only way to a happy ending. Regardless of how it actually turns out, even if he backtracks, is furious and full of jealousy. Guess I'm afraid of dealing with those things. Fear shouldn't create a barrier to truth.

He says he trusts me. I suppose it's time to give him a reason to.

Thanks, its important to hear what you know but don't want to hear from yourself.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
The naked truth is, in fact, the only path here. You said he's examining his feelings, now's his chance to actually do so in more depth, and to learn that you will be honest with him, which will help do away with one potential source of fear. On the other hand, if he finds out on his own it will make out harder for him to accept this, more easier, and could even permanently damage the trust between you two.

Be honest. Now, while it's still a new, mostly innocent flirtation. Give him the chance to be as open minded as he's trying to be.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"more easier" should've read "not easier". Dyac. Seems like the message came through, anyway. Good luck!!
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't see how Hubs can be furious if you put it into terms like "I've met a new friend, and I find him attractive. You can trust me not to act on it because I respect your need for a boundary around that for now, but I'd appreciate you keeping an open mind. The possibility of me dating men is something we should discuss after you've had your date with Crushy."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:41 PM
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bastet bastet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't see how Hubs can be furious if you put it into terms like "I've met a new friend, and I find him attractive. You can trust me not to act on it because I respect your need for a boundary around that for now, but I'd appreciate you keeping an open mind. The possibility of me dating men is something we should discuss after you've had your date with Crushy."
Crushy...

We had the 'talk' it went far better than any of my fears or personal insecurities imagined. While he wasn't thrilled about it all, he understood my hesitation to tell him. We had a long discussion about boundaries, what we are comfortable with now, and where we are having problematic feelings. It was all incredibly reasonable and adult.

His date is on for later this week with 'crushy' <--- I am adopting this name for her, because it's kind of perfect. (thanks) He has agreed that while he has fears about me spending time with another man that they are his fears. We agreed that it's fine for me to continue my friendship and see where it goes. I agreed to respect his feelings, discuss the developments with my new friend and check in with him before making any leaps. (there was a lot of agreeing )

So overall... big success, huge relief. Truth wins.

I text the boy last night and he seemed happy to hear that I'm able to be more open about spending time with him. He's going away for awhile on holiday with wife. So we won't be spending any time together for the immediate future. I'm unsure how this will all go. There's still the issue of his wife, her lack of knowledge and how that will play out. I need to decide how comfortable I am with that. It would be easier if we were all in the loop. It's also not my place to force that decision for him, it's his relationship not mine. Then there's the question will he still be interested now that there isn't a taboo? I suppose if he isn't then it wasn't a good situation anyway.

Last night was a good one. All that honest talk led to some fantastic sex with Hubs. Who knew truth was so damn sexy.
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