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Old 03-18-2012, 06:27 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Default Completely New To This and Need Some Advice

Hi All!

I'm in the Kansas City area and with two kids and a beautiful fiance who I'm absolutlely in love with. We have been together for over two years no but about six months ago things were going horrible between the two of us. I was pushing her away and she made a a new friend with another man. Now this man is someone who she now has serious feelings for and has asked me to consider with her a poly relationship. I have two kids under four from a previous relationship who spend most of their time with us and we have raising together. He has one child under four who has it not allowed to see very often. She says she thinks she is in love with him and has told me that it is either us three or nothing at this point. To say the least I'm scared and confused and frustrated and angry and just plain lost. A poly relationship is something I know very little about. She is my best friend and we are an amazing team. He and I scarily enough are very similar and more than likely would be fast friends. But these thoughts of having to see her being affectionate with someone else the way she is with me is something I cannot handle. She has presented this to me just a week ago and has told me I have about two weeks to make a decision. She says she still wants to marry me and be with me forever but that she wants to try this with him as well. We had broken up when things were bad but she wanted to make things work with us and has told me she can't imagine a day without me. But she says this guy complements her in all the ways that I don't. She says she is a better person because of him.She also says that this is not about the sex, it's about exploring here feeling for him. But my thoughts keep going back to having to see her face look at his as he is inside of her with that look of love she has for me. I hate the thought of having to come home and see them cuddling on the couch. I feel as if she gets to have her cake and eat it too. I know that my thoughts are so riddled with jealousy but how can I be ok with the woman I love doing things for me and someone else when all my focus is just on her. It's as if I only get half of her but she would get the whole of both of us. I'm afraid to tell her that I feel as of right now I'm going to say no to this and lose her. I thought we would be together the two of us forever. Furthermore, having two kids I'm not sure I want them to see this. I would be more ok with trying this if it wasn't for having kids. I think I really need some advice and some understanding from anyone else out there who has or is going through this. S
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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1 ....I'd have a problem with the deadline .... And 2 ...if you don't want half focus and half time then walk ...you're not wrong for wanting that. I 'd kill all wedding plans ....put that off indefinitely.

Good luck

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-18-2012 at 09:59 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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A few thoughts...

Why did you push her away six months ago? What was so horrible between you two?

If you do agree to poly:
  • you can ask for things to move slowly;
  • you don't have to come home to find them on the couch. You can establish boundaries that make your home or specific rooms off-limits;
  • don't think that just because she wants this, that it means she will jump into bed with this guy right away. This is the time to sit down and negotiate what is comfortable for both of you;
  • be sure to discuss safer sex practices; and
  • you wouldn't get "half of her." That's nonsense. Are you ever half a person? She is a whole person wherever she goes. Of course, if you feel her attention is elsewhere, you can speak up and tell her.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:27 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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It wasn't that things were horrible it was that I was having trust issues due to my ex wife. My ex had cheated on me multiple times including with my best friend and got pregnant by another man and trying to pass it off as mine. My fiances schedule and mine are contradictory a lot of the time and with two kids we rarely have time for one another. She had gotten a new job and made new friends and the times when I thought she would be home from work and we would see each other she wanted to go out with her friends and did so. We began to see less and less of each other and our communication went to shit. For awhile I was comparing her to my ex thinking that she was doing the same stuff my ex was. That went on for three months and the past three months we I have been slowly trying to repair things incliding finally delaing with what my ex did to me.

As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first. In poly it feels like she would be thinking about him part of the time and not me. She would be looking forward to her dates with him not with me. I want to be her everything and I'm feeling now that I can't. This is the person I choose to want to be with but they now want someone else and I can't fullfill things for her. I feel like I'm in a competition with this guy. I caan deal with and compete with sex but love is something I can't... I feel so absolutely lost...
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I want to be her everything and I'm feeling now that I can't.
You can't be everything to a person, even if you are both happily monogamous. People need other people in their lives, friends, connections, diversity of thought and ideas, socializing, hobbies, etc. It's just that in poly, that also includes romance and most probably sex with other people as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by matellas View Post
I play the situation out over in my head and think that I would constantly be trying to make sure he knew I was number one and at the same time be questioning whether she was truly happy with me or not. How often does it work when in a situation like mine? On top of everything else my fear is being outed for being a part of this at work. My position and job would possibly be in some jeapordy for having this kind of relationship.
Now you are getting ahead of yourself and projecting scenarios that may not even happen. You and she need to discuss this at length before making big changes. Ask her about the deadline. Find out why such an urgency. Let her know your fears. Talk, talk, talk. From the heart. Don't be afraid to let her see how vulnerable you feel.

How old are the two of you?
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-18-2012 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 03-18-2012, 09:01 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You can't be everything to a person, even if you are both happily monogamous. People need other people in their lives, friends, connections, diversity of thought and ideas, socializing, hobbies, etc. It's just that in poly, that also includes romance and most probably sex with other people as well.

In the beginning we were everything to each other. For about the first year or more. Then I got a promotion and got busy working 80-90 hours a week. She wants to be treated as number one (after the kids of course) and for awhile she wasnt getting that from me due to work. I know she can have friends and other things as well. We both want those things but as I have asked her why can't it stay friends? This sounds silly but she used to tell me I was her Edward from twilight and that now this guy is her jacob. I don't know if that reference helps any or not. The romance part for me is harder than the sex. Not to be graphic but I could almost handle her inside of him. I can't handle the look on her face of love when she is.

Now you are getting ahead of yourself and projecting scenarios that may not even happen. You and she need to discuss this at length before anything happens. Ask her about the deadline. Find out why such an urgency. let her know yoru fears. Talk, talk, talk.

How old are the two of you?
As for the urgency I think its because she doesn't want to wait on this. There is such a chemistry between the two of them that she can't handle it going on for much longer. It drives me crazy. He spent the night last night as we were all drinking. He slept on the couch and nothing happened. But just having him there when she is in the room with him and i'm not I'm becoming paranoid. I'm barely getting sleep before I go to work because I have this fear something will happen when I'm not around. She promises it won't until I say yes or no. Actually as far as I know from what she has told me he has no idea that she is thinking this. I'm sure he has assumptions but nothing has been discussed.

I'm 34 and she is 28.

Last edited by matellas; 03-18-2012 at 09:04 PM.
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:43 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by matellas View Post
As for the suggestions if I agree to Poly the thought for me is that getting only half of her is due to my feeling that when you are in a monogamous relationship that one person is always thinking about you and putting you first.
But this isn't true, by your own experience and admission. Not only was your ex definitely NOT thinking of you or putting you first when she cheated and lied in a supposedly monogamous relationship, but your current fiance took time to go out with her friends when you thought she'd be home with you. And I have kids as well, so I also know there are plenty of times when the kids are first anyways! As has already been stated, no one can be another person's everything. We all have friends, family, interests that take up space in our brain. Our brains are amazing things, though. They can handle quite a bit. I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my partner, AND I spend a lot of time thinking about or talking to my husband. Sometimes those times overlap, sometimes they don't. They are both far more likely to be affected by having to share time and attention with the kids than with each other, though.

Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:22 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Her deadline, however, is unreasonable. Two months would be far more appropriate than two weeks. If she has the potential for serious feelings for this guy, they're not going to disappear because she waited an extra month or two to try acting on them. And, if you've already been putting a lot of work into improving communication and dealing with the emotional fall-out from your ex, it may be that adding this new question to deal with is putting you on overload, in which case even more time may be needed.

Getting on the same page regarding what you need from each other, what you want, and what your expectations are definitely needs to happen before you get married. It is possible to be happily mono while one's spouse/partner is poly, but it isn't for everyone (or, you could consider the idea of having an additional romantic relationship yourself!). Just be sure you're communicating what you actually NEED, not just what you THINK should be happening because of social conditioning.

I hope I did the quote on here correctly : )

I do feel like i'm on overload. I hate to sound like I'm complaining but I finally am moving forward from past experiences and trying to become a better version of myself. I was thinking the deadline was unfair and have even told her that. She's somewhat staunch on setting that time line though.

As for me having a second relationship, I have considered the possibility and funny enough while posting yesterday and replying my fiance came up to my work to visit for lunch. While doing so I spoke to her about the research I had been doing the replies I have gotten and my feelings. More so than that I told her that she needs to realize that there's a chance that our relationship will end with this. I was very kind about it and honestly very loving as well. I told her that we don't choose who we love but we choose who we have relationships with. I don't fault her for having feelings for this guy. I don't hate her either. I'm upset yes, frustrated and angry about it but I'm not mad at her as much as I'm mad at the situtaiton. I told her we would sit down and talk about all this and look at every single situation possible. A suggestion that I had thrown out there was her moving out and moving in with this guy for maybe two weeks to a month. We could see each other on Saturdays and she could see the kids then and even spend the night as well. Go back to causally dating. My reason for asking her to move out is that I could not handle thinking of her getting ready to go out on a date with this guy, kissing him and being affectionate with him. I think it would break my heart. I had also told her though that now that she has brought this up there is no turning back now. If I was to tell her I don't agree with her seeing this guy and she decided to stay with me and try to let him go then I would always be left wondering if she was doing it behind my back, if she was happy with just me, if she only made the decision to stay because of the kids etc. Though I did tell her also though that once she was out of our place that I would begin to work on making new friends and acquaintances. That if she was going to explore her feelings then maybe I should to. That I wasn't looking for a new person in my life or a new relationship but would it be bad to turn down a date from someone who asked me? I also told her that while exploring her feelings with him that she may find that she that she is truly in love with him and that he is what I'm not but even more. I think I understand that in poly it's how a person complements someone else and brings the best out of them. That one person cannot always do that for one other person and it can take a second or more to accomplish that. I know there is much more to it than that, but I'm not sure I can handle that. She began to cry in the car. I watched the tears roll down one after another. It was funny though because as I sat there telling her all these things I do so in this excited passionate voice filled with love. I wasn't angry I was excited to share what I had learned with her and what I was feeling. I was really communicating with her. I asked her why the tears and all she could she say was "what have I done?" She told me she couldn't imagine not falling asleep every night in my arms, in our bed. She couldn't imagine not being there when the kids wake up and seeing them throughout the day. More so she couldn't imagine me dating someone else. Couldn't imagine the thought of me experiencing love outside of herself. But, I have come to realize in the end I want her to be happy. That is the most important thing for me. But I want to be happy to. I want to be someone who I can explore with and live out my dreams and theirs as well. I told her that after her exploration with this guy that we may not be together because he is better for her than me. That may not sound realistic but I want to look at every possibility. Can't the greatest gift to give someone else be to be let them go and be free to explore? If it is really in the cards for two people to be together than it will happen? I feel as if though that the guy she is talking to whom I have met on several occasions has a very utopian view on everything. I can see her thoughts changing toward that same view from spending so much time with him. I don't think it's a bad thing it just seems that she felt like at first that "why don't I get that we could all be one happy family?" Now bringing up the reality that I may not want to stick around and even more so that I may want to date others that she is starting to think that it sounds great as long as I don't have to see him doting on anyone else.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:35 PM
matellas matellas is offline
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Thanks for the thought... I think back to other relationships were this honestly I would be 100% ok with. But with her I want all of her not parts of. On top of that she already has a very well established relationship with another man whom I really don't know that well. I'm the outsider here between her and him. I play the situation out over in my head and think that I would constantly be trying to make sure he knew I was number one and at the same time be questioning whether she was truly happy with me or not. How often does it work when in a situation like mine? On top of everything else my fear is being outed for being a part of this at work. My position and job would possibly be in some jeapordy for having this kind of relationship. Not that they could fire me over it they would just blackball me and try to force me out. I make a great income and provide for her and I and my kids while she is in school. We would be in a dire situation if something leaked.
As for the wedding plans...(sigh) I guess that is a really valid point.

as for the deadline though...why?

Last edited by matellas; 03-18-2012 at 08:41 PM.
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