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Old 03-18-2012, 03:59 AM
JustBtwUs JustBtwUs is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Default Newbie - dealing with envy

Hi all,

I'm so glad to have found a place to talk about this... It's not a subject I can bring up with a co-worker or anyone else I know.

My wife and I (of 20 years) have just "opened" our monogamous marriage. Some background: my wife bores EASILY. She won't do anything twice - ever! Let me tell you, I'm sure monogamy has been a BITCH for her.

We've each just had our first encounter and at first I thought I was jealous. After some introspection, I decided it was envy. I'm envious that the other guy is getting "the good stuff".

By "good stuff", I mean for 20 years my wife has barely tolerated sex with me. Oh, it was good for the first couple months we were together, but then she got bored. She became a "one-n-done" kind of girl, "doing her duty" (her words), barely getting involved in the sex act, just laying there, etc. With the new guy, it was 3 times, many hours, doing all the stuff I WISH my wife and I did :-(. With me it's "get on-get in-get off-get out, you've got 5 minutes" - I'm not exaggerating - that's a direct quote.

No matter what we do, we cannot, by definition, recreate the newness of our 20 year relationship; I can't erase her boredom. I think I'd feel a lot better if she tried to show the same level of energy for our relationship as she's doing for her new partner (or conversely, treated her new lover like she treats me with the 5 minutes, one-n-done approach). Is this a common thing and I should just get used to it?

Don't get me wrong - we love each other dearly and I'd bet my life on the fact she'll come home to me. It's NOT jealousy. I know she wants a new touch and the tinglies you get in your stomach when you're with a new lover. I get that. I put 110% into it every time I'm with her and I feel like I get 5% back. I'm envious she's saving that 110% effort for someone else... :-(

Any thoughts on how to get past this?


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Old 03-18-2012, 04:09 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Yikes, that's rough. Maybe some kind of couple's sex counseling? At the very least she needs to work with you to TRY to enliven things... even if it may be a lost cause she clearly has a libido and it's not fair for her to just accept that this is all she can give you forever without even trying to make it better, which Is what it sounds like you're describing.

I wish I had better advice. Lacking that, have this funny comic on the topic of spicing things up over the course of a marriage: http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php...&id=2545#comic
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 03-18-2012, 05:35 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

How did your first encounter go?

Why not go get your own good stuff ....elsewhere. Why beat a dead horse. Why waste time and energy trying to change her....Go find/build the sex life that makes you happy ....somebody you can connect with sexually that doesn't bore easily and is is an active loving participate ...not someone barely tolerating it. This is a great opportunity for you...go for it.
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Old 03-18-2012, 06:27 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

The first thing that struck me when I read this is, why do you know that? blech, so rude of her to tell you about it that deeply.

My second thought was emotion, I feel sad. It makes me sad that there are people in the world who want/seek/tolerate/live with things like 'you've got five minutes.'

My other thought was that she may not be giving it 110%. Perhaps it's not 'effort' when it's new, it's just NRE and NRE really doesn't need a whole lot of effort, it just sweeps you away.

I'm with Dinged, find yourself a warm lady who will do all that for you.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:13 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 80


Just . . . Owch.
Thats actually a reasonable situation for envy.

I know NRE is a powerful force in the bedroom and the start of a new relationship get alot of the off the wall crazy fun things to pop out in the bedroom, but still most people develop a preference for at least some of those things with the primary/spouse/whatever just due to practise-and-perfection.

That kind of sexual ADD on the other hand is something I've never run across.

Ever. :S

I'll agree with dingedheart, and novemberRain. Get out there and find someone a little less . . . I dont know what to even term that . . . Damn.

Find someone who will meet you a little closer than 110% : 5%. I have a hunch that might start bringing the ratio with the wife a little closer to the middle as well.
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:53 PM
JustBtwUs JustBtwUs is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Default Thanks!

Thanks, everyone. I know my situation is a little out of the norm, but with the help you've provided I think I can get through this.

@AnnabelMore - I'm hoping, as @Alleycat mentioned, that some of the changes will be seen at home. She's trying to lose weight, buying some lingerie, etc. I do get some benefit from that.

@dingedheart - First encounter was good, but I wish I hadn't had so many Martinis beforehand to calm my nerves. I'm trying to meet people, but I'm not Adonis (I'm bald), and a lot of dating happens in the first 5 seconds when you see the person...

@NovemberRain - Well, I know those details b/c I asked. Do most people do this with a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy?

@Alleycat - Thanks for the pointer to "NRE" - I hadn't heard of that before, and it makes total sense. I think the word you were searching for was "selfish".

Thanks for everyone's help. Sex is the only subject my wife have ever fought over...

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boredom, envy, jealous, jealousy

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