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Old 02-25-2010, 08:33 PM
tazunemono tazunemono is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Default Polyamory and threesome - wife is interested - what to do?

I'm 33/M

Over the past few months, my wife and I began 'opening' up sexually and emotionally. Prior to that, I battled depression, drugs (prescription) and alcoholism, and have since cleaned up with the help of a lot of changes to myself, physically and emotionally, including therapy and AD's. My wife had postpartum depression with my 2nd child, and also had a very tough time with grad school. We supported our relationship as best we could, but it became apparent that things were going downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn on meth.

My wife has given me 2 beautiful kids, and I love her very much. However, over the past few years, It's become more apparent that I'm not a monogamous person (I believe in polyamory, just haven't practiced it with my wife yet). It's not a simple case of having my cake and eating it too - I feel like I'm not complete without another partner to share emotional/physical love with. As a result of our situation (wife in grad school, 2 kids, etc.) and compounded by sexual frustrations, I sought out this love elsewhere without my wife's consent. I now realize that this was a huge mistake for me, and have made every effort, including couples therapy and a total dedication to my wife, towards restoring her trust. Through therapy and talking openly, my wife and I agree we went through a phase of not being very honest with each other about our sexual needs and desires, and failed as a couple to meet our acknowledged needs. On a nutshell, we are slowly changing, and becoming more sex-positive. Since 2009, we've gotten into toys, porn, TONS of lingerie (hot!) and even opening up our relationship...now SHE's picking out porn to watch with ME, together! e also hit up sex shops for new 'acquisitions'

Background - I 'cheated' (defined as having a relationship with another woman unknown to my wife and without her consent) with 3 girls over 2008-2009, in order:
1. Amy was a friend from work, and we forged quite the emotional bond. She was engaged, and I took her to lunch a couple times, probably could have taken it further but I didn't. Amy was a pretty hot girl, 8/10
2. Jane was an old friend I reconnected with, she's recently divorced and was looking for someone to unload on. I ended up making out with her and fooling around a bit. She was also an 8/10.
3. Holly was a runner who I met at a team relay race. She was 7/10 but soooo slutty, and we had sex one night last Nov. Amazing, fantastic sex.

My wife knows about all these women, because I told her everything. I want to experience everything with my wife. I can no longer lie to her that I do not desire other women; in fact, I do! I have learned this is against the rules in monogamous relationships, so the first part of our life together, as a monogamous married couple, is over. A new phase is beginning in our relationship, defined as 'pre-affair' and 'post-affair'...

In this new poly relationship. it is important to me that she be my 'primary' forever. No other woman who I've ever been with is so interesting, beautiful, and deeply caring as my wife. I don't want to ever disrespect her by 'cheating' on her again, and I told her flat out that I want to sleep with other women only with her permission, and only if I thought my needs (or hers) were not being met. If her needs are sleeping with other men, then that's fine by me as well (as long as I'm 1 out of 2, or as long as she clears it with me and we have a deep discussion first!)

So anyways, long story short - lying in bed the other night, I was telling her about sleeping with Holly - what transpired on our 'date' This was making her pretty hot (and me too!). Then, I mentioned that Holly had asked, after a few drinks, if my wife wanted to take part in a threesome. At the time, I said 'No'. My wife seemed shocked by this 'nugget' and said, "who ever said I didn't want to have a threesome?"

So this got me thinking...I'd planning to take my wife out on Sat. night for drinks/dancing, and want to play a little 'game' with her, trying to pick up another woman. Any thoughts for this? Ex. i could ask her to pick out someone attractive and then I could go chat her up, or my wife could, then we'd start talking to her together, buy her a drink, etc...I want to make it safe and fun for my wife, so we need some ground rules.

If all else fails, I'll take her to PT's strip club and buy her a lap dance

Appreciate advice from men/women with threesome or poly relationships

P.S. I am reading 'the ethical slut' and this is a great book!
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

What you describe is more like "swinging" or "casual sex". Polyamory is not about going out to "play a game" and buying a stranger drinks in an effort to "pick up" someone to have a threesome with you and your partner.

Not that there's anything fundamentally wrong with that. It is what it is though.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 02-25-2010 at 08:51 PM.
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Old 02-26-2010, 04:27 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

I would suggest talking to her to understand her ground rules. Ask her what interests her. Alcohol definitely helps relax people who are trying this, but don't drink too much.

Most threesoms are seen in porns. Reality is different, but people tend to mimic porn unless they have tried it before or are very self confident.

Strip clubs are fun. Go for the fantasy. I would suggest against picking up a girl there for a threesome.

Are you open to any fantasies she has? Like what if she wants a threesome with another guy?
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Old 02-26-2010, 04:57 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

I have to agree with YGirl. Some people cannot be sexually satisfied by a single person, but don't want to be "in love" with anyone but their partner.

I also caution you about the "only if my needs are not being met" part. It's really important to meet your relationship's needs within the relationship, rather than avoiding them by meeting your needs elsewhere instead. I don't know much about swinging and what's considered "acceptable" in terms of fixing your own relationship before starting a new one. One of the things about poly is that if you can't "handle" one relationship properly then you shouldn't be getting into additional relationships. But having a much higher sex drive than your partner, and desiring to satisfy that sex drive with someone else (i.e. you can only be so satisfied by masturbating, sometimes you just need pussy) may not be possible within the relationship, if your partner has a lower sex drive. I think I'm just rambling on at this point.

Bottom line, like YGirl said, you might want to research "swinging" and see if that sounds more like what you're looking. If you don't want to fall in love with other people, then you probably aren't looking for polyamory.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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