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  #1  
Old 03-14-2012, 05:53 PM
Qarzan Qarzan is offline
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Ok, so this is my first post, after my self-introduction post. Didn't think I'd be posting so soon. I'm seeking some advice and opinions about whether or not I'm handling this situation well.

I am a dancer, and I go dancing 3-4 times per week. It's a great way to meet people, and it definitely makes me social, and therefore happy. There's one woman, R, that I've been trying to get closer to. She's timid and shy, but has been reacting well to my advances. The thing is, I'm just not very practiced with being the hunter, and much prefer being the prey.

We carpooled to a dance on Saturday night, and suprisingly the dance instructor, H, started advancing on me very aggressively. I've always admired and respected her, and I couldn't resist at all. I don't think I even wanted to. We ended up kissing out on the dance floor, a few people saw, but R was in the lounge area and I don't think she saw.

R and I have been hanging out recently, but it hasn't escalated to dating yet, so I haven't told her that I'm considering polyamory.

I called H the following day, we went out for dinner. It went really, really well; probably the best first date of my entire life. She's affectionate, positive, our philosophies and religious views are near identical... we went back to her place and hung out with her roommates. We all got along pretty well, but then again, I already knew most of them from before.

It got really late, and I didn't want to make the drive back home at 2am, so I stayed at H's place. We agreed to "keep our clothes on", and it actually helped relieve some of the anxiety and helped us relax more together. Topless makeout sessions ensued. We didn't get much sleep that night.

She mentioned that she was polyamorous before, in her previous marriage, but that she feels it was likely because she was no longer attracted to her husband. She now identifies as monogamous (says that when things get serious, her radar "turns off"), but has 3 other men she's seeing right now. Surprisingly, I wasn't jealous or upset at all.

One other thing: H lives in NYC (I live in the Bay Area). She used to live here, which is how we initially met each other, but then she moved to NYC with (now ex-) boyfriend. She comes by once a month for a little over a week to help run her venue, and the other men she's seeing are in NYC.

Then the following evening, she was running a venue and had asked me to help her teach the class (my first time teaching!). We shared a few dances, but otherwise we stuck to the pre-discussed boundaries for when we were at events together, since she has her professional reputation to consider (I brought up the topic during our date).

Before I left the dance, we talked for a bit, and I asked if it was ok if I continued to "hang out" with R. She said it was fine, and thanked me for asking. I told her that if it ever made her uncomfortable, that she should just let me know. I also said I would tell R that there's someone else as well, and if R asks, I will tell her the name.

Now the plan is, to continue seeing R and see where that leads. The thing is, I don't like the feeling that I'm making all the advances, all the time, which it definitely seems like with R, and is why my encounter with H went so much more smoothly and passionately: H and I both advanced towards each other.

I think the challenge for me is to love R completely and fully, the way that she deserves, without feeling that she's just holding H's place when she's away.

My question is, do you think I'm handling the situation well so far? What advice would you have for someone new to polyamory?
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  #2  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It seems to be going just fine so far. Everyone you date will be different so why try and box them in? Why worry about who gets more and who gets less? Its just different. Different stages and different approaches for different people. I don't get why you have an issue with making the first moves. What does it matter? Sounds good to me.
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  #3  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:42 PM
Qarzan Qarzan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It seems to be going just fine so far. Everyone you date will be different so why try and box them in? Why worry about who gets more and who gets less? Its just different. Different stages and different approaches for different people. I don't get why you have an issue with making the first moves. What does it matter? Sounds good to me.
I guess I should say, I don't mind making the first move, but don't like it when I have to make ALL the moves. I like it when there are alternating advances. This gives me confirmation and feedback at every step. Otherwise, I feel like I'm just being a creepy asshole, going somewhere I'm not invited.

Does this make sense?
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:18 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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It makes sense to me. It wouldn't work for me, so much, but it makes sense. If it's not something you prefer, it's not something you prefer.

It's been an issue for me, in my life, who makes advances and who doesn't. I was shocked to arrive in the world of other people and discover the ones with penises weren't much receptive to my openness (or 'advances').

I dated a boy in college who was a big pothead. He was always after me to try it, and I kept trying, but it did nothing for me. Finally, one day, I actually was high, and horny as hell. He got all bent out of shape because I was being sexual with him. (coincidentally, I spent the next 10 years living as a lesbian)

I discovered my relationships are much more successful if I step back, just a little, and let men make advances. I'm quite receptive, however. I wouldn't dream of turning down a date without offering an alternative ('would you like to go to dinner on Thursday?' 'oh, not on thursday, but I'm available next Tuesday' or whatever).

So, I'm not sure if you mean advances, or just confirmation that you're welcome ~ because I see those as completely different.

Maybe the difference in western swing and tango? (I'm not much of a dancer, but I've spent my share of time...) My teacher of western swing said, 'it's the man's job to make the space and direct her and get outta the way' whereas I see tango as each partner having a part to do, it's not *just* about the leading.
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Old 03-15-2012, 10:52 PM
Qarzan Qarzan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
It makes sense to me. It wouldn't work for me, so much, but it makes sense. If it's not something you prefer, it's not something you prefer.

It's been an issue for me, in my life, who makes advances and who doesn't. I was shocked to arrive in the world of other people and discover the ones with penises weren't much receptive to my openness (or 'advances').

I dated a boy in college who was a big pothead. He was always after me to try it, and I kept trying, but it did nothing for me. Finally, one day, I actually was high, and horny as hell. He got all bent out of shape because I was being sexual with him. (coincidentally, I spent the next 10 years living as a lesbian)

I discovered my relationships are much more successful if I step back, just a little, and let men make advances. I'm quite receptive, however. I wouldn't dream of turning down a date without offering an alternative ('would you like to go to dinner on Thursday?' 'oh, not on thursday, but I'm available next Tuesday' or whatever).

So, I'm not sure if you mean advances, or just confirmation that you're welcome ~ because I see those as completely different.

Maybe the difference in western swing and tango? (I'm not much of a dancer, but I've spent my share of time...) My teacher of western swing said, 'it's the man's job to make the space and direct her and get outta the way' whereas I see tango as each partner having a part to do, it's not *just* about the leading.
I suppose I meant more along the line of advances. R is good at giving confirmation that my advances are welcome, but doesn't make any advances herself. H has made nearly all the advances, and I feel like I was just bowled over (which I really like).

As an update to my situation, I sent H a text on Tuesday, facebook message on Wednesday, both of which she replied to. Both messages I sent were upbeat and flirty. Then I felt really depressed last night because I really missed her. I didn't really want to tell her because I didn't want her to think I was desperate or needy. Then I thought, "What the hell, I should feel free to express myself how I want."

So I texted her this morning, "Hi, [H]. I miss you [broken heart emoticon]. Can I call today?" She hasn't responded, and it's been about 8 hours. I assume she's busy, but the unresponsiveness is eating me up inside. She has been posting on facebook, so I know she at least has time for that...

On the other hand, R has texted me. She is sick today, and I felt the need to take care of her, so I asked if she needed anything. She said she's fine and doesn't need anything. R might just be the right thing to keep my head straight while H is away.

Please let me know what you think of what I'm doing. Anything glaringly wrong that sticks out to you?
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Old 03-16-2012, 01:02 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Well I would say that you are living too much in the comparison mindset. That usually doesn't end well. It is something I am more used to seeing as bluntly as you put it in your posts, in a monogamous person trying to choose who to date.

Considering H is only there once a month, and...does not seem to be as eager for connection as you do, I think it does frankly come across that you might put up with R as a "placeholder" while your lovely assertive H isn't in town. Or I should say if I were R and came and read this, I'd not be interested in talking to you again.

If you note in your first post you say
I think the challenge for me is to love R completely and fully, the way that she deserves, without feeling that she's just holding H's place when she's away

In the last post
R might just be the right thing to keep my head straight while H is away

You should date R if you want to date R, and H if you want to date H, not because you need your partners to balance out the "issues" you see in the other of availability, sexual aggressiveness, apparent interest/willingness to respond to your texts, or anything else in the other.

And I may be reading this wrong but...it seems you still haven't told R that you are poly, or that you are dating H. Hopefully if not you will, as you say you aren't actually dating R yet, but on that note, it seems odd you are talking about "Loving R completely and fully" when...you know... you aren't dating yet.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 03-16-2012 at 01:26 AM.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:28 AM
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Sugarbooger Sugarbooger is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It seems to be going just fine so far. Everyone you date will be different so why try and box them in? Why worry about who gets more and who gets less? Its just different. Different stages and different approaches for different people. I don't get why you have an issue with making the first moves. What does it matter? Sounds good to me.
Red Pepper is wise and needs to make an affirmations calendar. Just sayin'.
As I go along in this experience, I find it better on me if I just go with the flow. Every time I try to fight it or keep score, I get bummed out.
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