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Old 05-08-2009, 02:17 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default intimate moments with lovers

I would love to know how you deal with public affection, or even not so public.... at home with my men affection. This one stumps me a little. I have kind of left it up to my men but it feels awkward. I am a very affectionate person and I tend to back away and give a lot of space when they are both around... let them come to me.... which doesn't feel natural to me. I guess slowly they are finding their own comfort with one another but does anyone have any stories to relay or tips.
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Old 05-09-2009, 03:09 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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When I was in a FMF triad, I worried about this a lot. I finally told them that I worried about how much time I spent snuggling with each of them because I worried the other would feel left out. We resolved it to an extent by just being aware of the issue. They told me to snuggle as I saw fit and they would try to do likewise. I still worried, but I don't think it was as big of an issue as I was making it.

I think the bigger problem was that I saw this in so many of the things we did. Who sits in the front seat in the car? On a rollar coaster ride, who rides with whom? Those are the things that society has pretty good rules of thumbs for monogamous couples, but nothing really for polyamorous people. The best I could do was to try to take turns and keep track. (But I think that was probably not the best long term solution.)
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Old 05-09-2009, 03:15 PM
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LOL, yes, we have a struggle with those things too. Or maybe it's just I do. Right now it's planning to go camping, who will sleep in what tent and should we all just sleep in the same tent and do I have the right to have time with either alone with one or the other and ..... the questions abound... I am trying to let it go as neither of my men seem to worry, but I am, by nature big into justice and balancing my attentions... *sigh* I guess there is always something to figure out.
thanks for your response
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Old 05-12-2009, 06:17 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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"No" to same tent.."no" to private time. I am such a manly man!!
I'm bringing a lock for my tent zipper...you will not get me in trouble!! We have forever. But I love you ridiculously even for thinking about this
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Old 05-12-2009, 01:06 PM
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So, there's David in the picture in a way which is something different from "just friends".... I'm too experienced now to pretend that I know how all of this is going to work out, and, anyway, I just want to live one moment at a time!

[ Background: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=895 ]

Anyway, David & Kevin & I are up in the mountains hiking and picnicing ... and it wasn't long before handholding, walking arm-in-arm, snuggling and kissing began between each of us--pretty much in that order.

At some point, David mentioned that he wants to be carefull to insure that his touching was given out in equal proportions to both Kevin & I (who are partners of 12 yrs.). Thinking that this was just a beginning of such get-togethers, I immediately said that Kevin & I are comfortable enough with our situation that we're not worried about metering affection. I wanted him to know that it's okay to relax about this issue, even to let go of it. If Kevin & he were to spend more time caressing each other than with me, that'd be fine. If I needed to say, "Hey, let me have some...", I could do that.

There's something very contrived and artificial about trying to insure that everyone is getting equal signs of affection. Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favor one person over another in an openning couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?! That's just not relaxed enough. Sure, it would be terrible to be left out of the affection entirely, but, you know, nature has sunny days and rainy ones..., things are in flux. We ought to let ourselves be natural about it. It won't rain on anyone all of the time -- nor will the sun always shine on anyone. Too much worry about "equal treatment" is as bad or worse than actual inequality of affection and love.
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Old 05-12-2009, 07:18 PM
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"Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favour one person over another in an opening couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?!"

Beautiful statement! I know Repepper puts a lot of work and energy into sorting this out and I appreciate this. I honestly have zero issue with the balance of time. I am here for a long time and don't feel a need to try to cram as much of her time in as I can. That would imply there is an end. I feel no end to this and therefore have a freedom to just enjoy! This is an area that causes me personally, absolutely no concern.

The camping coming up is an opportunity to all get together with other like minded people (like minded is used from the "appreciating polyamory" sense in my case..I don't pretend to be like minded in being polyamorous..I'm not). I don't require special attention or affection in these environments. It's not a necessity. I like being treated as a close personnel friend.

Everyone knows about us, so that is not the issue. I just enjoy Redpepper and her husbandsí company. I am in awe of there connection and love for each other because it has allowed them to take a path I couldn't even fathom. I get lots of affection. I am not lacking in any area of my intimate life except for the capacity to explain to them how much their inclusion of me in their life means and just how much I love Redpepper.

I wish I could help Redpepper with this. She knows I feel taken care of affectionately..she just has to trust in that.
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Old 06-03-2009, 03:04 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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When we camping together, we all shared a tent (tent rated for eight people means lots of room for three). My wife slept on a cot and my (former) inamorata and I slept on air mattresses. Come morning, my inamorata and I enjoyed some naked goodness; my wife woke up to the noise, looked and saw it was us, and rolled over to go back to sleep.

I never worried about showing affection for one when the other was around. It was nothing I ever thought about. I simply showed affection to whomever I wanted to whenever I wanted to.

As I just began dating another woman, I expect the same sort of thing in the future. I'm not going to worry about it unless one of the ladies says she feels a bit shortchanged, then I'll address that.

So, I say to PDA as you will and expect any shortcomings to get reported. Deal with only real issues and not imaginary issues that may never arise.
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Old 06-05-2009, 02:35 PM
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thank you for all your replies. Slowly the naturalness of showing affection is coming through in my "v" and leaving it all alone has helped. While camping i got hammock time with my boyfriend and tent time with my husband. My husband is aware that I need time with my boyfriend and allows that space... asks us when we are going away for a weekend and when we are going to celebrate different things together etc. I don't feel comfortable showing my boyfriend affection around my son, but it is early days yet anyway. it's all coming along nicely.... thanks again!
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Old 06-08-2009, 09:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
thank you for all your replies. Slowly the naturalness of showing affection is coming through in my "v" and leaving it all alone has helped. While camping i got hammock time with my boyfriend and tent time with my husband. My husband is aware that I need time with my boyfriend and allows that space... asks us when we are going away for a weekend and when we are going to celebrate different things together etc. I don't feel comfortable showing my boyfriend affection around my son, but it is early days yet anyway. it's all coming along nicely.... thanks again!

The important thing to rememebr is that I don't feel left out or ignored. I simply love being with Redpepper alone or with her family. I have no issues with keeping intimate moments private. Because I am here for the long haul, I don't feel the need to get as much of Redpepper as I can all at once. I'm happy to love her in different ways depending on the environment. I feel a little sad for those that need more because I am sure it is frustrating.
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