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Old 03-12-2012, 05:51 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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Default Liking a friend - Want to respect them, help?

Hey, it's been about a year since I've come here... A year ago my husband and I accepted and discovered that we believe in polyamorous relationships - and I had some trouble because I fell for someone who ended up struggling with the idea I was married and he couldn't handle the lifestyle I suppose. But that's a whole other story that I wrote about previously.

My husband and I are both 23.. anyway this time I am here because I have recently met someone I like a lot. He's smart, funny, inspiring, and outgoing. My husband really likes him (friendly) and he thinks he's a good guy.

This is all nice and dandy. The part I need help with is that I know I like him and we've been spending a lot of time together - but he has a long distance relationship. Nothing has or ever will happen between us that would jeopardize that relationship in terms of cheating or anything as I am firmly against such things.

The trouble is, I feel at odds - like I in some ways want to tell him about my lifestyle to help perhaps explain why a married woman is spending so much time with him - but I don't want to be selfish or like come out with this news because perhaps it could influence his relationship.

Background on that is that he only dated her one month before she went back to japan (she's Japanese) and since have dated an additional 2 months via skype. Uh, this last week we saw each other like 5 days and yesterday he remembered he needed to check in with her at some time, saying he hadn't talked to her all week..

so bottom line is: is it appropriate to tell him? Should I have already told him? Is there even a point to telling him assuming I am just friends (and only trying to be just friends) at this point? I really want to respect the situation as much as is possible.
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Old 03-12-2012, 10:47 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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You can tell him that you're poly in the context of just telling him about who you are, and the way your life is. It doesn't have to be presented as "I'm poly, and I like you, and if you like me, we have some options to discuss..."

You can also tell him what poly means to you, and your relationship ethics, and the difference between poly and cheating.

And above all, if you think you're starting to feel a little hot and bothered when you're around him, but he is in a monogamous situation and it would violate your sense of ethics to facilitate him in cheating, then try hanging out in public spaces, or with your husband there, or maybe less often. Avoid temptation. If he is as young as you are, and his LDR is that new, it might not be a permanent situation-- but you don't want to be the catalyst for it ending.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:40 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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Honesty is the best policy in any relationship. You don't need to hurt your relationship with him, but you can just casually throw it into conversation. Be tactful, but being honest is what poly is all about.
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Old 03-12-2012, 03:35 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I wouldn't tell him you like him but I would tell him your poly. If he is a fairly intelligent guy he already knows you like him and might be hanging on to this LDR because its an excuse not to ruin your marriage by doing something with you. Bringing up the fact that you like him may give him hope and end his other relationship prematurely, though, and you don't want to cause that. It never ends well.
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:25 PM
younglove younglove is offline
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I believe in honesty as the best policy... and so far I've definitely explained a lot of my life and he has to know I am in some kind of open relationship... he also knows my values and ethics pretty plainly ... that I deeply care for people and make an intellectual relationship a priority above all else. I think I've come close to saying I'm poly... the thing is I've never intended to tell him I like him in that case.. but I'm afraid that would be obvious and I don't want the news of me being poly to open up "options" that end up influencing his LDR. So I think ill give it a little time. I have been hanging out with him with friends and with my husband and nothing will happen to cause cheating. I know he's strongly against that behavior and me too.
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by younglove
...we've been spending a lot of time together - but he has a long distance relationship. Nothing has or ever will happen between us that would jeopardize that relationship... I don't want to be selfish or like come out with this news because perhaps it could influence his relationship...

I don't want the news of me being poly to open up "options" that end up influencing his LDR.
I don't understand this idea that telling him you're poly will "influence" his relationship. It doesn't make sense to me, as if his relationship is so fragile that it will come crashing down the moment he finds out you are poly. It seems like you have a fear that is blown a bit out of proportion.

What if a single monogamous person befriended him and told him she is single and available? Would that "influence" his relationship? Who knows how many available attractive people come into his life every day? Are they all a threat to his relationship?

Maybe his relationship is strong enough to handle friendships with other people in various situations. Maybe it's not that serious a relationship, or since it's an LDR they might even have an agreement to see other people that you just don't know about. Maybe you could even tell him you are attracted to him and it wouldn't change a thing because he is steadfast and loyal and not so easily swayed. And maybe your friendship with him already has already been an influence -- a good one.

I think that if he were afraid that being with you would endanger his LDR, he wouldn't be hanging out with you as much as he already has. My point is, the strength of his relationship is dependent upon him and his gf, not you. If he found out you like him and are poly, and his relationship fell apart afterward, do you honestly believe it would be your fault? Relationships don't just fall apart out of the blue, generally they've been bad for a while. So, I wouldn't worry about that at all. The topic can just come up in conversation about relationships and you can be honest about your situation. Relax and be yourself.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-12-2012 at 09:04 PM.
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