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  #1  
Old 03-09-2012, 04:07 AM
OneWingedAngel OneWingedAngel is offline
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Default Long Distance Woes

Over 6 years ago, I met and developed a relationship with a married couple. 3 years into the relationship, they moved several states away. Even though we have opened up the terms of our relationship, I feel like it is waning between us and I really don't want it to. The more time passes, the more distant they seem to become. I wonder if it is unrealistic of me to believe that it could survive somehow?

My first instinct was to talk to them about my concerns about feeling like we are growing distant and whether we want to try to find other ways to continue to develop our relationship or move on. I wrote to them both early last week asking if they'd be willing to set aside some time for the upcoming weekend to chat online and discuss our relationship and how we feel about things.

I didn't hear from either one of them for 2 or 3 days, so I inquired again about what they wanted to do. The husband said that he was up for it, but didn't know when since he didn't know what all was planned for that weekend. Then the wife finally responded late that same evening about being sidetracked and suggested that maybe we could chat sometime that evening. I told her that I already had plans that evening and that there was a reason why I requested earlier in the week for them to set aside some time this weekend. I even suggested that if this weekend wasn't a good time, then perhaps maybe next weekend?

Yet again, the next day I never heard back from them. I told them they weren't being very responsive. The wife finally responded and told me about all the things they did over the weekend and that she couldn't provide an answer because she didn't have one to give yet. I told her that if she didn't want to make plans with me that weekend, then she should have just said so in the first place. She keeps saying that she doesn't know what her schedule looks like.

It's been over a week and they have not yet attempted to follow up with me on trying to make any time to chat with me. Am I missing something? Am I asking too much for them to set aside some time to talk? Is there a different way I should be approaching this? Is this the beginning of the end? I would love to hear from an outsider's point of view.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:55 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Sorry but it sounds like it's over already. They either don't want to answer tough questions or are putting off telling that they want out. Day to respond to request to have a chat ....really. How about I need you to make time.

Doesn't sound very loving to me ...not after years of investment.

Good luck. D
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  #3  
Old 03-09-2012, 06:21 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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In your Intro thread you mentioned some of this as well. You haven't told us why you didn't follow them to the new state. I'm sorry but I agree with the post above mine. It sounds like they are blowing you off so they don't have to deal with it.
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Old 03-09-2012, 06:51 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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My buddy DH, gives solid advice.

They may still be unsure themselves, ..but, at the very least, there is doubt.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:47 PM
OneWingedAngel OneWingedAngel is offline
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That's kinda what I was afraid of, but I guess I needed to hear it from others.

When they made plans to move, it was pretty much a done deal without my input. The wife did mention wanting me to live closer to them, but with the way the shape the economy has been in, I wouldn't have been able to risk losing my job security and benefits. If I lose my job, I would have to have a complete career change and take a huge loss of pay because my position is nearly obsolete. If I were to lose my job anytime soon, I might be inclined to take a risk and start somewhere new, so it remained in my thoughts. Considering how much time I have invested with this company and the pay and benefits involved, it seems logical to me to ride this out as long as I can.

Last year, my mom, who is my paternal grandmother who raised and adopted me since I was 5, was diagnosed with cancer, so that really made me re-think my priorities in life. I live an hour away from my mom and even that has been hard on me. My mom has been through several chemo treatments and is now currently awaiting tests to see if she is in the clear or not. She is due to turn 80 next month. Whether or not she is in the clear, my time with her is limited and so I have made an internal vow that I will make use of that time by remaining within driving distance to my mom for as long as she lives.

Once I made that internal decision (which was last month), it left me to wonder what to do about the current state of my relationship with the married couple and whether or not we could attempt to still maintain a long distance relationship and see what the future holds down the road. The longer the time has passed, the more distant we have become. That is what prompted me to write them that letter asking them for time to get together and chat and get everything out on the table to see how everyone feels and where we stand. Their lack of response and not willing to set aside time for me has really opened my eyes. In a way, I feel like I don't want to give up, wondering if I have done all that I can to attempt to maintain our relationship or at least find closure.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If I were you, I would stop asking them to give you some time to talk to you. I would now say to them that they have made their intentions known and you are now letting go of the relationship. If they see that you are willing to break it off, but they want to hold onto it, they will have to make the effort. But don't word it like an ultimatum, or hope that saying you're letting go will manipulate them into a positive response. Be clear and firm that it is over.

Because it sounds like it is over, so why put yourself in the position of begging for their attention, waiting for them to confirm it? You have enough to deal with. Take a stance.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-09-2012, 05:03 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Great advice from nycindie.
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