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  #1  
Old 03-06-2012, 08:18 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Default Midnight Ramblings - STDs, communication

Forgive an incoherent midnight rambling...
Feeling like I need to start relationship counseling to sort through my insecurities....
Background: I a monogamish poly in an essentially monogamous relationship. My only intimate partner "S" is married and has two partners (me & his wife), my "wife-in-law" has multiple partners. I have been the hinge in Vee relationships with mono men prior (essentially, reality would take too long).

I feel like I need to put their relationship first before my own needs, and an insecure that if they ever break up that my guilt that I will have caused or escalated issues and do not think I could survive that with my part of the relationship intact.
S says they have a strong marriage. I believe he believes that; she is unwilling to talk to me so I do not have opportunity to ask her about *any* of my concerns.. hence feeling like I am pushing issues that might not otherwise come to a head.

I am STD risk averse, having taught prevention courses & treated many who failed to follow them. S and I are fluid bonded. S has agreed to biannual testing. She still has not gone. S had not had relations with her since we fluid bonded. I believe he avoids it so he does not have to address the fluid bonding with me/testing issue and confrontation that will arise when he insists on condom use with her. Ideally, I would like to see neg test papers on all my extended sexual partners - as far out as her OSOs, or at least see her results regularly and have my own knowledge that safer sex practices are adhered to (better than just second hand that he says she says she does) and that she understands what good safer sex practices are (he didn't even have knowledge of dental dams for oral.)

S and I are making plans for a commitment ceremony later next year, and we would like to eventually/ideally see a co-housing arrangement. She knows about the ceremony plans and he says she's not freaked about that or my plans to take his name... but has no idea if she might even be open to co-housing.

He has agreed that if I ever hit a big lottery jackpot we can have a child together. I'm sure that never came up in conversation. Yeah, the odds are against it ever happening.. but a peri-menopausal woman can dream, and buy an occasional ticket.

Enough rambling for one night.. work in the morning, thus sleep beckons me.

~Precious
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:54 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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Wow... I would be very worried if I was in your shoes. You are making all kinds of plans (and taking actions, like fluid bonding) without talking to or even really thinking about his wife. That seems like it's going to blow up.

I would be very upset if my partner decided to become fluid bonded with another and didn't talk with me about it. Not to mention making plans to move in.

How do you feel about this level of communication? Would you be okay with S treating you the way he is treating his wife? Do you want to live with him and his wife? It seems like a big commitment with someone you didn't feel the need to share big life decisions with.

You feel like you need to put there relationship first... but you decided to stop using protection and change the kind of sex they have within there marriage (He needs to start using condoms with her) without talking with her about it? She still doesn't know that they two of you made this choice for her? That doesn't sound like you putting there relationship first... honestly that doesn't sound like you were thinking about there relationship at all.

Last edited by faraday; 03-06-2012 at 06:59 PM.
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Old 03-06-2012, 07:06 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
How do you feel about this level of communication? Would you be okay with S treating you the way he is treating his wife?
This.

Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
You feel like you need to put there relationship first... but you decided to stop using protection and change the kind of sex they have within there marriage (He needs to start using condoms with her) without talking with her about it? She still doesn't know that they two of you made this choice for her? That doesn't sound like you putting there relationship first... honestly that doesn't sound like you were thinking about there relationship at all.
Agreed.

Although I think the condom-issue was born out of self-preservation, and rightly so, if the wife won`t talk to her. However, in my world, fucking does not happen AT ALL unless I know what page everyone else is on, and they know what page I am on.

I also remember when I thought fluid-bonding was a big deal. It isn`t.
The stress of worrying about who does what with who, and when, pretty much kills the libido, I find.
The same kink/desire for fluid-bonding, can be put onto condom-bonding.

I am condom-bonded, and happier for it.
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Old 03-06-2012, 11:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You might want to look at some threads on "std" "sti" "fluid bonding" in the tags (found in the search engine). It might be helpful and interesting to read what others have gone through.
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  #5  
Old 03-07-2012, 05:19 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Thanks for the outside viewpoints. Much appreciated.

I was *finally* able to start a dialog with her, albeit through slow online messages rather than in person. Feeling better, or starting to. So far she says "pretty much he will go for whatever you want" and she in content as long as he makes time for her and his chores at their house do not go neglected.
So much more I want to clarify directly with her.

She knows about our level of commitment, and has voiced no concerns about our planning a hand-fasting next year.
Last fall I attempted to break up over open vs in the closet. I am open. They had been in in the closet with everyone since embracing poly about 4 years ago... it was a big concern of his.. who might see us together and talk. She was the one to intervene and keep us together. Since then they have come out to the (adult) children and select friends. I am comfortable with the couple groups of folks they would like to avoid confrontations with over their lifestyle choice and why they choose to do so.

As far as the fluid bonding goes, if she balks at condoms unless regularly tested negative.. I am willing to go back to using them. Actually, our emotional connection is much more important to me than any physical. S and I elected to bond until this is clarified through her as they have very little physical interaction while he and I are very active, for the sexual health of myself and him, and for the financial sense it makes. He has ED issues, and before we bonded did get pharmaceutical help to make condoms usable for us. Frankly I could care less if Mr Happy functioned fully as I am deeply satiated even without.

No, I wouldn't like it if he communicated with me as he does with her. He has learned not to hold back and sugar coat with me. I prefer to address things before they become issues. He knows my feelings on their level of communication, and does not try to prevent me from having contact with her or bar any issues form the table when I am able to get her to communicate. They have been married over two decades; established communication styles are difficult to change, and may never be as open between the two as I personally like in own primary relationships.
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:02 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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This situation sound a little off to me. The wife has several other partners and is unwilling to talk to you. Why? some bad blood. How did this all start for them? How long have they been doing this? How did you get involved?

Did you invite the wife and all of her other partners to the commitment ceremony?
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