Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-02-2012, 05:36 PM
Letitbe Letitbe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 34
Default Polys not jealous?

Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-02-2012, 06:53 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 85
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Letitbe View Post
Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand.
I think feeling jealousy is normal. I also think that if you expect to not feel jealousy because you are poly, you're just setting yourself up to feel bad when you do feel jealousy. I think the important part is what you do when you feel jealous. Do you let it rule your decisions or do you examine why you're feeling jealous and work on those feelings?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-02-2012, 06:57 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,105
Default

People are people. Some folks tend to get really jealous; some not so much. As I see it, there isn't necessarily a corollary between jealousy and whatever relationship structure one chooses. Many monogamous people don't get jealous and many poly people do get jealous. And every color in between.

Certainly, if you're the type that doesn't get too jealous, it will make any kind of relationship easier to handle. If you are the type that tends to get jealous, it means it takes a lot more work in trying to understand it, deal with, and not give in to it, in order to diffuse the ticking time bomb and keep jealousy from turning a relationship into a disaster. Jealousy is often a sign of other underlying feelings that are difficult to handle.

Don't believe the people who say that you "shouldn't" feel jealousy at all, ever, if you're poly. We're all human beings and susceptible to a wide range of emotions.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 03-02-2012 at 07:24 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:41 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

To me being "naturally poly" means that you naturally can and do fall in love with multiple people without that meaning that the existing love or loves in your life diminish. Obviously if you want to translate that into the practice of having multiple loving relationships you can usually expect that your partners will have other partners too and that's where it helps to also naturally not be very jealous. However, even if you are a naturally jealous person it seems like for many folks it's possible to learn to manage it. Hopefully in time that will lead to you actually feeling less jealousy.

If you feel you are naturally poly but find that despite your best efforts you cannot manage or lessen your jealousy to a level you can handle then you should probably either practice monogamy or find a partner who's happy to remain monogamous while letting you be polyamorous (though that would kind of be a weird thing to set out with as a goal, as your monogamous partner could always change their mind in time and decide they want to practice poly too).
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:19 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

I have been insanely jealous at times in my 15 years of poly. I love my jealousy and am so glad I have it. To me it shows that someone means something so much to me that I need to look at what is going on closely so I can see why I feel the way I do. If I was not jealous then I would question how much they mean to me. I would question how much I mean to them if they were not jealous sometimes too. If there is no struggle then I would question why we are together.

When I am jealous its usually because there is some kind of change or adjustment to our dynamic because someone new is in our lives. I struggle with my partners trying to make space and time with others as it usually means its taken from me. I struggle with their gleeful NRE when we used to have that at some point. Only natural I think. I get threatened that their partner is a new shiny thing in my partners life and I am just that ol' faithful boring thing in their life. I get scared that really our relationship is over and I am not ready or feeling that way.

Usually its all worked through with lots of talks, reassurances in the form of attention given to me in the ways I need it and over time and adjustment to change. Its all natural and human. I can eventually let go of my jealousy and relax into a new routine, get to know and appreciate my metamour and realize that my worth and belonging is still in tacked in my polycule.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-03-2012, 01:55 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,056
Default Jealousy.

The first time I ever recall feeling (sexual/relationship) jealousy in my life was when MrS went home to go to a concert with his exGF/current FWB (code name SweetPea in my personal saga) shortly after we had had our "are we in a relationship" discussion (my first ever).

My stated stance: “Of COURSE you are going to have sex with her. You love her. You share all this history. Blah, blah, blah...” He says “you are going to be upset”. I protest. Short story long: he goes home, he sleeps with her, he comes back...I am upset. Not with him, but with myself for having these jealous feelings (I don't 'believe' in this "jealousy" crap...a fundamental view I have of myself at this time)).

We talk, I tell him that I am not mad at him but myself for not responding in the rational fashion I expect, he says “I told you so” - which drives me insane! So, a few weeks later SweetPea swings through for a visit – it's great! her+me, him+her+ me – so I figure out that I am not so much jealous because she and him had fun, but that she and him had fun while I was back at the apartment missing him.

I felt that I had come to a better place in understanding my own reaction and would have be fine with him being with her again without me there. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to test my hypothesis, he never played with her again unless I was also there. “No, I learned my lesson.” Dammit!

So? Lesson? (for me at least) was that the jealously was situational...that the immediate object of jealousy ("You had sex with x-girl") was not necessarily the REAL underlying trigger...(finding the trigger, however, might be a sticking point...)

[PS. Don't...know...that...any...more...ellipses...are. ..possible...in...this...post!)
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-03-2012, 02:11 AM
Songbird Songbird is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England, US
Posts: 8
Default

Redpepper, your post is so timely for me!

I'm involved with two guys (I guess I'm called a 'free agent'). The newer relationship is lovely and also fragile in several ways. He's spending this weekend with another woman and I am gripped with anxiety that I wasn't expecting, so this evening I've been mulling it. And yes, the anxiety shows me what he means to me -- as well as the several sources of the fragility. Hopefully, that will all help me get to a clear communication with him about what I'm seeing and feeling.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-03-2012, 10:00 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 273
Default

There's no such thing as being immune to jealousy, poly or not. My husband has said before that he doesn't picture himself ever getting jealous once I branch out, but I still take it with a grain of salt because I'm well aware that you can't always dictate how you're going to feel until you're going through the experience.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-20-2012, 02:12 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If I was not jealous then I would question how much they mean to me. I would question how much I mean to them if they were not jealous sometimes too.
I got into a fight with my girlfriend a few weeks ago because after a dream she brought up the poly thing, and I said I wouldn't be jealous if she slept with someone else but would be upset that she did so when I'm not allowed. She got upset that I wouldn't be jealous, and I really didn't understand... and still don't.

I think on a fundamental level I don't understand jealousy the way most people do. To me it's just a negative emotion...

I would never think I didn't care about someone just because I wasn't jealous. I think I'd only be jealous if I couldn't "partake," as it were. I judge how much I care about someone based on what I feel like doing for them. I find myself doing more for her than I would for myself, and giving up time with friends or other things I enjoy. What should her spending an hour with someone else matter?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-20-2012, 02:52 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,105
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I think I'd only be jealous if I couldn't "partake," as it were.
That sounds more like envy than jealousy.

I'm not a terribly jealous person either. I will feel a twinge of it but I can fairly easily analyze it and get myself out of it. I would never consider jealousy a gauge for measuring how much I care. Jealousy is connected to insecurity. Caring is connected to love. One does not necessarily correlate with nor corroborate the other.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealous, jealousy, lessons, new to polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:37 PM.