Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-28-2012, 08:35 PM
desire desire is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
Default How to deal with feelings of rejection?

I am right now going through an introduction to the poly life world, albeit a bit forced. My partner for the past 3 years has fallen in love with another person. He insists he still loves me and cannot live without me. But, he also is very sure that he values his new relationship quite deeply. I have heard about polyamory and am not quite closed to the idea of practicing it in my life. But, surprising myself, I am racked by jealousy and find myself crying uncontrollably for my lost past. I do not experience feelings of hatred either towards my partner or his lover. I just feel sorry for myself, though, I dont quite know why, since he still calls me regularly (we are in a long distance relationship right now). I have great respect towards my partner for telling me and he insists he told me because he trusts me to be open. I want to live upto that ideal but, find myself struggling against my feelings of resistance to change. I see myself talking to him very nicely one moment, the next moment suddenly transforming myself into a weeping drama queen. I am sad...and, I find his happiness irresponsible. yet, i also know that if i dont stand by him, we are lost as a couple now. He is very democratic and is just asking me to open up the relationship, not expecting me to take it lying down like a subservient wife.

Last edited by desire; 02-28-2012 at 08:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-28-2012, 09:34 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284
Default

Instead of defending him so much, tell us more about how you feel. This is new to you but clearly not to him. He should have brought up the desire before he fell in love with someone else. Also, a lot of people here will refer to it as NRE (new relationship energy) over being in love.

Talk to him. Tell him right now you aren't comfortable with this and you need time to talk and understand.
__________________
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-29-2012, 08:55 AM
nancyfore's Avatar
nancyfore nancyfore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 162
Default

I agree with KyleKat. You should talk to him about all aspects of the poly life he wants to lead. You shouldn't be "forced" into anything, and he should be patient with you and your getting used to the idea. If your number one as he says then he should be slowing down until you are comfortable with the situation.

What did you mean by "finding myself crying uncontrolably for my lost past?"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-25-2012, 06:21 PM
desire desire is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyfore View Post
I agree with KyleKat. You should talk to him about all aspects of the poly life he wants to lead. You shouldn't be "forced" into anything, and he should be patient with you and your getting used to the idea. If your number one as he says then he should be slowing down until you are comfortable with the situation.

What did you mean by "finding myself crying uncontrolably for my lost past?"
thanks for the response, Nancy. It is not true that he is an old player in the field and he knew about poly more than me. We both dont. He has started this relationship and we have wandered into this. I would like to explore it, since I still love him deeply and do not want to destroy my relationship with him.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-25-2012, 06:31 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,184
Default

Desire, it sounds like you agreed to something you didn't really want and it was thrust upon you when you weren't ready. It sounds like your husband announced he had fallen in love with someone else, and just proceeded to continue the relationship without negotiating boundaries with you nor going at a pace with which you are comfortable. No wonder you went into it kicking and screaming.

You do have the right to say that poly is not something you want.

You have the right to ask that things slow down.

You have the right to expect that boundaries be respected and to follow through on the consequences if they are not.

What do YOU want?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-25-2012, 06:54 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,762
Default

Re:
Quote:
"You do have the right to say that poly is not something you want.
You have the right to ask that things slow down.
You have the right to expect that boundaries be respected and to follow through on the consequences if they are not."
Quoted for truth.

I am sorry you have found yourself in such a difficult situation, desire. It's quite understandable that it would be very upsetting for you. I think your partner (husband?) got caught up in the NRE thing, and just let things spin out of control. Now he has two women in his life, and he is responsible for being fair and honest toward both of them. Maybe that is not easy for him, but he kind of got himself in this mess. He needs to step up and do the right thing, by both of you.

Don't let yourself be spooked or guilt-tripped out of asking for what you need in this relationship. You shouldn't have to feel forced into something you're not ready for.

Regards and sympathies,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-25-2012, 06:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,270
Default

Why are you in a LDR ?

How long have you been in the LDR ?

How often to you see your husband?

Where does his other partner live ?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-25-2012, 07:44 PM
desire desire is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
Default

Dear Nancy, Thanks again for response. Among both of us, I was the one who was hesitantly considering opening the relationship, actually! I had a feeling that monogamy might lead towards oppressive dishonesties and I was aware that both of us, or one of us can fall out of NRE and then, other people might happen in our lives...and, I wanted it to happen with talk, with negotiation, with sensitivity. The way things have worked out, I am not sure I want this at all because I was happy with exclusivity when love was there. Yet, I am also painfully aware that there is no going back for me, now. the point of exclusivity is gone.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-25-2012, 06:19 PM
desire desire is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Instead of defending him so much, tell us more about how you feel. This is new to you but clearly not to him. He should have brought up the desire before he fell in love with someone else. Also, a lot of people here will refer to it as NRE (new relationship energy) over being in love.

Talk to him. Tell him right now you aren't comfortable with this and you need time to talk and understand.
Dear Kylie and Katie, Thanks for replying. After I wrote this, I stopped logging into the forum and I must say, I regret it deeply. Things have gone from bad to worse in our case. I cannot anymore say, I do not experience feelings of hatred towards either him or her. I have started feeling so much of hatred that I think, I did "fuck it up." I suddenly noticed that from the day he shared, things progressed in such a pace for both of them that I have been "left out." From feeling I was primary in his life, I suddenly became "you are also important for me" phase almost immediately. I became insecure and started behaving as if my life had shattered around me, screaming wildly and demanding a divorce. He is going through trauma himself and I am sure his girlfriend is, also (i am not in touch with her anymore). I am feeling guilty that the chance that we probably had to actually have an open relationship with communication is wasted now because I could not handle jealousy. He is traumatised that he has promised things which he cannot fulfil either to me or to her. I do not know her narrative and the nature of her trauma. thanks for the support and understanding...I have no idea where to go from here.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-26-2012, 11:27 AM
desire desire is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 22
Default

Yes, I realize “No one else can actually tell me the right and fair thing.” I said, he is clear what he wants, the latest is that, I am not so sure of that also. After these discussions, I got some perspective, talking to others, but, mostly talking to myself about my own narrative...and, it has helped me regain a lost composure, however, provisional.

I took that chance and dialled his number, and we had a decent conversation after almost a whole month. There were many hot points, and we also expressed anger and dissatisfaction, but, I persisted, and I have a feeling, he also did. I could do that also because I am becoming clearer about what I want, and this forum is also responsible...thank you....

He has decided to cut off from her, but, in practice it has not happened. this makes me feel safer, however empty that safety is. Also, the promise does not mean they have actually done that. They are still in touch over telephone, and she calls him to discuss “problems,” which means, about their relationship right now, I am sure. He will be seeing her after two months, when I wont be in the country. So, I am almost sure they wont be able to control passion, so, it would also be erotic. This future he does not admit, but, keeps saying, he has cut off, but he cant help calling since it would be inhuman to cut off from her totally.

He keeps justifying by saying, have i come between you and your friends? Would it be fair if I ask you to cut off from your ex boy friend (with whom I stopped all erotic relation the day I just started seeing him).

But, I also realize, he is demanding this space for himself to continue with this relation and the ease with which I used to move among my friends might not be possible anymore, since that would be demanded as the price for my jealousy. He is demanding payment for his “generosity” and I have to “pay” it? When I say, how can you compare relations which are not erotic (but, potentially so) to an actual erotic relationship, he says, it is possible, because in his mind the work he does and the civil way in which he takes my friendships is exactly the same!

Also, when i discussed, what if I turn these relations erotic? He got angry at that point, and shouted at me, saying, is this a question of competition? I have an affair, you have two? I felt humiliated, but, kept my anger at bay, since even this much communication was not happening between us, these days.

So,...yes, I must define what I want.

And, he is now claiming he is coming back to me, after two or three months, she will leave and that would be the end of their togetherness. But, the price I pay is very heavy, I suspect, for this coming back. Yet, I am not sure also...since these words might be coming at the heat of the moment, because till now, he has not controlled me. We have been able to actually joke about potential crushes and that was about all I was ready to go or “allow” him to go. But, that space was also precious for me. Will I enter into a totally silent relationship with him keeping his erotic relationship with the younger woman? I dread such a possibility.

Yes, I am hurting, but, this forum has definitely reduced my suffering to some extent. There has been surprising understanding from so many of you. I thought that as a person who is coming out more and more as a “mono” person (which I still don’t define myself as, but, my jealousy is increasingly making me aware, I might be), I would be mocked. (that is the way my husband speaks to me these days, though, when I suggest that I also start exploring, he starts saying, he has realized these are too difficult thigns to accomplish and he wants to come back, as a mono person).

I know I project him as an asshole, which he is not! I am pretty sure he has a better narrative about himself..and, beneath all these things, I think, I still see that our relationship actually might have some potential, which i do not want to throw away...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:22 AM.