Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-26-2012, 10:04 AM
urmila urmila is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: chennai, India
Posts: 56
Default relationships in quad

i am 42 indian housewife and husband 45. son 20 not living with us. we are contemplating a poly relationship with another couple, who r related to us and are staying with us presently. All the other members r quite enthuastica about it. i am just holding back and reading all about polymory, and was even surprised that is being practiced even in India, even though not in big numbers.
In polymory, as i have understood there is primary and secondary relationship
my question is when two couples r in relationship. can it be an equal relationship without identifiying as primary or secondary. anybody has any experiences on that and if it is being practised, what r the disadvantages and r there r any problem areas we have to be careful of
Reply With Quote
Old 02-27-2012, 02:04 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

There are many poly people who do not even use the terms primary and secondary. instead viewing each relationship as unique and important.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-27-2012, 05:08 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Yes there are many people that don't subscribe to the point of view that one partner is deserving of more love, time, energy and support over another. Some hierarchies exist and are declared valid due to children, shared assets, marriage etc. That can work for some but usually poly people discover that while they have these ties that bond, love is love and does not follow an agenda. Over time, most poly people grow out of the hierarchal system and theory and let love become abundant and ever growing. This can take time, patience and much experience. The experience comes from separating from couple-centric, co-dependent modalities and embracing committed autonomy with partners.

Try doing a tag search here for "hierarchy" "secondaries" "secondary" "primary" "primaries" and any other tag that seems to be relevant. I like that you are researching. Good for you!
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 02-27-2012, 05:21 AM
trescool's Avatar
trescool trescool is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59
Default hi

Hi and welcome!

You might try searching "quads" as well. It seems to me like some couples on here have managed to build a non-hierarchical model with other couples and become a quad. I personally believe it is possible, and want that for my life as well.

I suspect that it could take time for all parties to build trust in each other, and commitment that no one is being left behind. But I think that's true of any relationship. From being in a triad that went badly, my advice is to go slow, respecting everyone's emotions through spending time with one another, allowing all parties to have "alone time" with each other. Also, the pre-existing problems of the relationships come into whatever is being built, although (and this is something I've written less about) there are both opportunities for poly to help HEAL these problems as well as they become more clear and obvious because of the insecurities and worries poly can bring up.

In my dreams of what I would like, I can see that being with another couple is ideal, as all parties can slowly build a relationship with one another. I imagine that as a couple, myself and my partner can get to know another couple slowly, and then through conversations with each other and with the other couple, move things to a non-hierarchical level when I feel the trust is deep enough.

Where are you at in your poly journey? Have you known this couple for a long time and been intimate, or are you long time friends and just starting to consider poly with them?
Reply With Quote
Old 02-29-2012, 07:50 AM
urmila urmila is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: chennai, India
Posts: 56

Thanks to bookbug redpepper trescool and cloud
Asfor as question on far i am in my journey towards polymory, i can say we r almost into it or should i say emotionally we r already there. Except for the physical part i think all 4 of us are attached to each other. before becoming polyamorous in the fullest sense, i feel we t sort set boundaries in which we can practice polyamory

ours is a 2 storeyed dwelling with 2 independent 3 bedroom units in each floor. presently the first floor has been rented iut and we have given notice them to vacate, and they are moving by end of march. It has been decided that my cousine's family will take up that as tenents and move in their things in the first week of April.This will help us to keep our relationship under wraps for the outside world as we dont want to come out. we dont want even our son to be aware of this and they dont have any children. It has been unanimously decided that we will be finally a part of a quadra family in every respect only after they settled down in upstair portion.
With all your good wishes i am sure we will be a very very happy family of four
Reply With Quote
Old 02-29-2012, 11:34 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

Good luck urmila.

Generally it is found that primary/secondary does not hinge on love, per se, but on shared living space, finances, child care, insurance. If your cousins will be living in a separate apartment, paying their own rent and utilities, and things like that, it simplifies things. Will you share cooking, cleaning up, bedrooms on a regular basis? Or will you have 4some time and then each couple retreats to their own apartment and bedroom at the end of the day?

It will all depend on how things play out for the 4 of you whether your cousins remain secondaries, or become co-primaries. I assumed you've known at least one of this couple all your life, since you are cousins. Have you been in love with him or her for a long time, even longer than you've known your husband?

Are you all bisexual or are you all straight? Is your husband in love with both of these people?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Reply With Quote
Old 02-28-2012, 04:22 PM
Cloud's Avatar
Cloud Cloud is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 24

Originally Posted by urmila View Post
my question is when two couples r in relationship. can it be an equal relationship without identifiying as primary or secondary.
In our relationship we are all equal. No hierarchy.
Reply With Quote

opening a relationship, quad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:29 AM.