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Old 02-21-2012, 09:27 PM
Allisnotlost Allisnotlost is offline
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Post Confused.

My partner of one year does not trust me to pursue any outside relations due to some slip ups in the past, and more recently a relationship that developed quickly and didn't work out. He says that he views me as equal, but I don't see how this is possible, given the way he openly feels. Unsettling me further, he has recently entered a new relationship and I almost feel as though he should be acting as my equal- if time is needed to work on communication issues (from both sides), why am I the only one who needs to take a step back from poly?
I am unsure as to whether I am being unreasonable or too emotionally reactive, and I am willing to provide more details to clear anything up, but I am confused as to where I stand in this relationship. I am a 20 y.old female, he is a 19 y.old male and we are very committed to each other. I will do anything I can to make this relationship work and could use any/all advice out there
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:16 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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That does seem a bit odd that he is "allowed" to do whatever yet he isn't "allowing" you to do what you want. I think the perspective here is wonky. As far as I am concerned it should be that the two of you support each other when things are tough for one of you and do your best to be considerate of any boundaries you might have in order to get on your feet again? Just as much as supporting one another when things go well and times are good (compersion).

To me it works better to take control of my own life, make sure I communicate what my boundaries are and needs and make requests for certain agreements in order to get on my feet in a relationship. I might have an opinion of what someone else should do, but it isn't for me to "tell" them what they should do as if they should only do as I say. They can decide for themselves from their own experiences and from what kind of suggestions I have or others have.

Poly doesn't mean we get to do whatever, it means we have to be responsible for communicating honestly with ourselves and others and considerate when it comes to others expression of that communication. I don't see that here in what you say... perhaps that component is missing?

It sounds like he is not getting that you are willing to take the time, but need him to take the time with you. On the same account, he might need some space to develop his new relationship. This is where a boundary agreement is born. Provided you talk about it openly and honestly.

It could also be that he is so happy with his new budding relationship that he feels he can tell you what to do and fly away on the high of NRE and forget his responsibility to the commitment of what you have started.
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Old 02-22-2012, 03:20 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Did you both actually agree to not be pursuing any relationships right now while you worked whatever it is out, or did you just assume that if he didn't want you to date that he wouldn't too?

If you feel it isn't fair that you can't date, you can always tell him that you plan to date, but that you'll take it slow. Relationships should not be dictatorships. Make sure you don't make the same mistakes that you made over the last year. If he brings up something he is concerned about, don't blow it off, but really think about it and address it seriously.

Perhaps having a weekly or even more frequent date where you two are sitting down, talking about whats going on so everybody is on the same page, and nipping problems in the bud would be useful.

Now if your problems were related to breaking agreements (safe sex or otherwise) I can see why he'd be wary, but if you're going to agree to stop having relationships, don't be resentful about it, but work on a concrete plan on what it is he is looking for to feel like he can trust you and feel safe with you dating again. If he won't do that, then you two have a lot of work to do.

And on another note, do you think you wont do those behaviors again? I mean do you just have good intentions or do you see yourself making these slip ups again? I don't know what they were, or if you've figured out why you did them, but if they are deal breaker type of things, and you don't trust yourself to behave, you should be honest and not date until you think you have a handle on that.
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