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Old 02-21-2012, 05:40 AM
twojays twojays is offline
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Question Where to start?

We are a husband (34 ) and wife (31) in Texas (DFW area) and have been discussing the poly lifestyle for several months and have explored a bit and are looking to expand further. This is something we are both very interested in -- turns out we both have been for some time, we were just hesitant to admit it to one another until about seven months ago, and were both surprised and ecstatic when it came up and we were open about it -- and are starting to take active steps to find like-minded people. We are just kinda unsure exactly where/how to start.

My wife found this forum and suggested it to me a few days ago, and here we are! Joined today and so far the things we have read in the different threads have answered some questions that we had so this looks like it was a good place to turn to help in our learning. We are just not sure how or where to find people who are into poly. My wife wants to find a girl for us so she can continue to explore her newly admitted bi side with, but also wants the girl to be with me and both of us at the same time. She's a bit shy at first, and neither one of us is really sure how to approach someone with those things in mind. The experiences we have had with chatting and meeting in person was with a friend from college (well within our comfort zone) - but she lives several states away. What has been most successful for other members in meeting people? Internet, lifestyle clubs, chance meetings at bars where you run across someone who is into poly?

Any helpful advice would be appreciated!
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  #2  
Old 02-21-2012, 05:46 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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The old timers around here (of which I am not yet one) highly recommend each individual having their own screen name/account. It can be confusing to reply and not know to which person we are speaking.

You might want to do a tag search for 'unicorns' and read up those threads.

I recently went to my first 'real life' meeting of polyfolks in my town, and it was lovely. I wouldn't go there looking for 'a girl to join us,' though.

Folks around here also highly recommend okcupid for a site to meet people into poly. It's free, and easy to make your preferences known.
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #3  
Old 02-21-2012, 06:28 AM
twojays twojays is offline
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Let me start off by apologizing for the confusion. I am the husband half, the wife half pointed this out to me and I registered before she did. She is doing so tonight. Second apology - if I say something that sounds uninformed, it probably is. Like I said, we are new to this, and I am still unsure about how to phrase some things. More likely, I will say things that are misconstrued due to me not choosing the best wording. I know how internet forums can get testy at times when people take things the wrong way because of misinterpreting or misstating facts. I will be the first to raise my hand and say I have been guilty of it in the past and that it will probably happen on more occasions, but thank goodness so far it was just in a debate on a college football forum. That being said...

When I was talking about what we were looking for in my first post, I can see where one would think that 1) our focus was hooking up with a girl for "exploring," and 2) we only want a girl. That just isn't the case. My wife is not opposed to another guy (in a mf/mf type setting), she is just focusing (at the moment) on her recent discovery that she very much enjoys her bi side. She is quite intrigued and excited by it. Either one of us (I like to think at least) could go find a person in a bar or club to have a one-night-romp with, and we know of plenty of places to go find that, but that's not what we are after. Both of us like a bit of consistency, we want to find a girl/couple who like the same things we do so we can all hang out, enjoy having fun and getting to know each other with the beforehand knowledge of what we are interested in and looking for - so that if things progress past that "just getting to know each other" phase, there is none of that awkward "Y'all want to do what?!" talk.

It is finding places to meet the types of people that are into the same things we want to be into that is iffy on us.

I'll get this thing down with phrasing things correctly. I'm here looking for advice and ideas, not to offend anyone by coming across like a person/couple who is only interested in themselves. I deal with enough people like that everyday in my job, I sure don't want to be that type of person when I get home
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:31 AM
twojays twojays is offline
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But thanks for the advice, NovemberRain. It was a help already.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:38 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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You're doing just fine. Most people in here have pretty thick skins, and they don't seem surprised by much. You don't need to apologize until somebody says they're mad.

My mom used to say, 'I could be a lesbian, but all the women I'd possibly be interested in are as hopelessly hetero as I am.' Which made me laugh. Unfortunately, the poly community isn't that huge (yet) that places, virtual or real, to find them aren't that large or common or readily accessible.

You'd probably be best off making friends and being open and finding out who is open to you(s). I was recently listening to a podcast (sorry, I don't have the name, someone else posted it in a different thread ~ it's a couple that does weekly podcast on poly topics) and they were discussing that she just talks to everyone and gets lots of possible dates, whereas him, not so much. She was encouraging him in just talking to people without expectations of dating or sex or poly or anything.

Unfortunately, some of those 'you want to do what?' conversations are just gonna have to happen. My current situation was eight years in the making. I had no idea this is where it was headed, but I'm happy I'm here now. I've often thought of poly as an ideal, but thought that seeking it out from people who were 'already' poly would be creepy (unfortunately, that was probably a leftover bad taste from the night a couple tried to pick me up in a bar). I'm having a different perspective now; but I'm also older, and know more about what I like and what I don't and I have the ovaries to speak up about it.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #6  
Old 02-21-2012, 07:38 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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We have seen everything here. Nothing really phases anyone that has been here awhile. No worries about being a newbie, this place was built on newbies.

I would suggest though that you have a look around and read lots. Try threads found in the search engine with tags such as "lifestyle" "secondaries" "unicorns" "veto" and mostly "lessons" and "foundations"

The joy is that you can decide how to create whatever works for you, but be warned, you will never have the same relationship again in my experience. Mono culture teaches us to be glued to each others side... poly is the opposite of that... its not so much a lifestyle as a way of life. I would suggest you be sure that you are ready for that by educating yourselves together.... good luck!
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:54 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Welcome! The partners and poly lovers I've had over the last several years have been friends, friends of friends, and one lovely gentleman met at a BDSM party. So, I'll second NR in saying that making friends is probably the best way to go, with no particular expectations that the friendship has to be more than that.

There is probably a poly social group in or near your area if you do some internet searching. Some people here have also had swinging-friendships turn into more, though I'm not sure how common that is? I guess one big question is, are you just excited about the idea of finding a lover or lovers that can also be good friends, or are you open to one or both of you falling in love and forging a real relationship or relationships with new people? There's nothing wrong with the former, but if that's the case the swinging community may offer you more of what you want than the poly community, and it's good to be aware that love, not entirely unlike an std (forgive the analogy), can never be 100% guarded against.

If the latter, it's great that you guys are open to what you find. Experienced poly folks tend to shy away when they hear "we want a girl to join us" or even "we want a couple to join us" because it implies a mindset of "couple plus 1" or "couple plus 2" that ends up tripping people up when they see one member of the couple falling faster than the other. Love is unpredictable, and while threesome or foursomes aren't too hard to find, trying to develop loving relationships between all involved can be a huge mess. Staying truly open to what you find, and not having any expectations that things have to happen with both of you present and involved, will be the best way to go. I find this set of advice, from the point of view of the person outside the couple, to be particularly useful: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Good luck!
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