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  #1  
Old 02-18-2012, 01:27 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Question Feelings for a friend - romantic or not?

Normally I'd post this question elsewhere, but I'm asking here because I expect I'd get many monogamy-centric responses elsewhere, and I want responses that more accurately reflect my worldview.

I have strong feelings for a close friend. She was the first girl I slept with and I love her very much. She is now in a monogamous relationship with a man.

Recently, I've been struggling with some feelings of jealousy. Most of the time I'm happy for her and her boyfriend, whom she likes very much.

But sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to kiss her. I want to keep her with me for a little while, cuddle her, have her sexually. I want to spend time with her.

However, I don't often find myself obsessively thinking about her, as I do about most crushes.

I'm not exactly sure what I want from her. Our friendship seems to hover on the edge of romantic, and we both consider ourselves more or less heteroromantic, but...

See, people who aren't in a poly mindset might say "jealousy means you like her romantically! that's how you know how strong your feelings are!" But I don't think jealousy implies strength of affection.

How can I figure out what I feel for her? Could it be merely friendship and sexual, not romantic?

What do you think?
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #2  
Old 02-18-2012, 05:28 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think it's totally normal to feel a little wistful and to still desire connection with lovers who have since moved out of out grasp. When you're poly and they're in a monogamous relationship, it's all the more wistful because you can see how you two could be together if it weren't for that one, silly rule they have with their partner (I'm not saying monogamy is silly, but it can feel that way when it's in the way of what you want!).

Is it friendship, is it romance... why try to categorize it? It probably doesn't fit neatly into any one definition. As long as you don't torture yourself over it, and can respect her choices, let it be the affectionate, somewhat-desirous friendmance it is.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:24 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I have said here before, I have a tendency to fall in love with my friends. I actually have a crush on one my staff at the moment. ! I usually don't think about it, but sometimes, late in the day, she'll be gabbing at me, and I kind of lose my train of thought...

I think when you're a person who loves to love, sometimes the heart runs off when the brain knows it's not the 'right' place to go.

Annabel, 'friendmance' I LOVE IT
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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  #4  
Old 03-04-2012, 11:42 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Oh, no.



I thought it was just a friendmance, like you said. I really did. But... last night I ended up sobbing in a corset and panties on my best friend's shoulder, in the middle of a hallway, over this girl.

Drunken and holding me as I held her up, she told me she loved me and hoped we were still friends when we were thirty (she's 19). I told her of course we would be, stroking her hair and feeling that familiar tug behind my sternum. She said how her boyfriend made her feel so beautiful, and I said, "You should feel beautiful. You are." She said, "Even when I'm pregnant, and fat, and farting?"

I said, "Always."

And she said, "I'm so glad you're my friend. I hope we're friends when we're old and gray."

All of this interspersed with talk of how much she loves her boyfriend, thinks he's perfect for her, doesn't fight with him, and thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

And I just started tearing up. I held it in and gave her back to her boyfriend (who was waiting in the hall because she'd briefly kicked him out of the co-ed bathroom to tell me about her feelings for him). Then I went back to my hall (same dorm) and just broke down.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell her how I feel? Her boyfriend is a very jealous person and wouldn't be okay with her dating me - in fact, if he knew she'd had sex with me he probably wouldn't want her seeing me at all. (Though I know she'd see me anyway and tell him that was unfair of him.)
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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  #5  
Old 03-06-2012, 07:10 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
Drunken and holding me as I held her up, she told me she loved me and hoped we were still friends when we were thirty (she's 19). I told her of course we would be, stroking her hair and feeling that familiar tug behind my sternum.
It's a hard thing. Do you let her slip away and regret the chance not taken and the love left unexpressed, or do you spill it and risk her pulling away, thinking she's making it easier on you by not being right there so close?

I don't have an answer for you. Only you can decide what outcome is acceptable, but I'll tell you this: putting yourself through hell by keeping yourself in limbo is no way to be.
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  #6  
Old 03-06-2012, 07:48 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
It's a hard thing. Do you let her slip away and regret the chance not taken and the love left unexpressed, or do you spill it and risk her pulling away, thinking she's making it easier on you by not being right there so close?

I don't have an answer for you. Only you can decide what outcome is acceptable, but I'll tell you this: putting yourself through hell by keeping yourself in limbo is no way to be.
You are right.

I'm going to tell her, next week, in person. I'm going to tell her and it probably will not go how I wish it would. But at least I'll be free of this.

If she doesn't reciprocate, I'll choose to pull away anyway.
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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