First poly relationship and very confused

[darthsabbath]

I was hoping to get some sort of advice on a situation I've been dealing with. I'm married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much... after many discussions, we've agreed that polyamory was something we both wanted, and have recently begun testing the waters with other partners.

In my case, it was with a woman I've known online for over a year, but only met face to face for the first time in October 2009. We kissed the first night we met, and my wife talked me into asking her out shortly thereafter.

We seemed to hit it off splendidly... there was lots of deep discussion, cuddling, sex... it was quite lovely. She and my wife got along well, and my wife and the other woman's husband even seemed to be getting close.

Unfortunately, things started going sour in December... not between us, but between my new sweetie and her husband. They've simply grown apart, and just aren't working out. As near as I can tell, it has nothing to do with the polyamory... they've just changed. Whether they can work things out, I don't know, but it doesn't look good.

Around the same time, I had to go out of town for a few months for an internship. Shortly before I left, my new sweetie and I went out one last time, and we agreed that it would probably be best that we put things on hold until she gets her life straightened out. I'm totally okay with that... I care for her very much, and I know that her needs come before my wants. However, I told her when I get back I would love to pick up where we left off when I got back, and she seemed to really like that idea.

I think this woman likes me... she's told me before how good I make her feel, how comfortable she is with me, etc. Even though she's currently going through bad times, I still see some of that when I talk to her... or maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see.

And so I'm confused. I want what's best for her... I want to give her space to get her life figured out, but the distance between us is starting to make me realize how much I want her in my life. I don't know that she is bold enough to come to me when (or if) she's ready to continue our relationship... that's very likely a step I'm going to have to make, and I just don't know when or how.

I hope the above made sense... if anyone has any questions about the situation, I'll be happy to clarify. My wife seems to think that things will just work out, but I worry she's looking at the situation through rose colored glasses. So, I suppose I'm looking for unbiased advice. :-)

Thanks!

[classycaveman]

Well my first thought is that you are still in the New Relationship Energy (NRE) stage, (infatuation) and it's hard to tell what you actually want long term versus what your hormones are telling you.

Are she and her husband trying to fix the marriage? If so, I would suggest breaking communication and letting her focus on that. Tell her you'd love to hear from her when she's ready, and leave it at that. If you don't, there is the danger that your influence will play a part (or even just a perceived part) in breaking up her marriage, and that could be a problem between you two in the future.

(Incidentally, if you're not talking to her, it implies that you may be talking to someone else, and thus makes you more desirable. )

All this should be taken with a grain of salt, I don't know enough about the situation to guarantee that this is good advice, but I think it's a good start.

[darthsabbath]

Originally Posted by classycaveman

Well my first thought is that you are still in the New Relationship Energy (NRE) stage, (infatuation) and it's hard to tell what you actually want long term versus what your hormones are telling you.

Are she and her husband trying to fix the marriage? If so, I would suggest breaking communication and letting her focus on that. Tell her you'd love to hear from her when she's ready, and leave it at that. If you don't, there is the danger that your influence will play a part (or even just a perceived part) in breaking up her marriage, and that could be a problem between you two in the future.

I'm honest enough to admit that a lot of what I'm feeling is NRE. That being said, this woman and I have had a deep friendship for sometime... there was a strong connection between us before we started seeing one another.

As for backing fully away, that crossed my mind. After discussing it with my wife, though, we don't think it would be a good idea... right now she needs her friends to stand by her.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

You don't mention anywhere here about how things seemed to be between you and her husband ?
That's a REALLY important missing piece ? In a good or best setting you two would have at least been friends/on the same page with everything. So that missing piece is critical to understanding what the reality of the situation is.

But in general, I would fall back to this question....(for yourself)

What would I do if these people (she and husband) were just close friends ?
How would I proceed ?

Her husband is a good guy, and we're close enough friends. As far as I know, he's never said a cross word about me and thinks highly of me as well. That's one of the reasons I was so keen to back away and give them space to get things settled. He and I will probably never be best friends, but I like him and respect him enough that I never want him to think I'm trying to come between them, and I believe he understands that... neither of them seem like the type to blame their problems on others.

If they were just close friends, I don't think this would be nearly as much of an issue... she wouldn't have to be looking at possible divorce, moving out, or any other major life changes. With that looming on the horizon, I can understand her needing some time to get herself figured out.

[darthsabbath]

One thing I did want to add is that my friendship with this woman is the most important thing. I do want "more than friends", but I would rather be just friends than not have her in my life at all.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by darthsabbath

One thing I did want to add is that my friendship with this woman is the most important thing. I do want "more than friends", but I would rather be just friends than not have her in my life at all.

This is such a refreshing awareness...thank you

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by darthsabbath

We seemed to hit it off splendidly... there was lots of deep discussion, cuddling, sex... it was quite lovely. She and my wife got along well, and my wife and the other woman's husband even seemed to be getting close.

You don't mention anywhere here about how things seemed to be between you and her husband ?
That's a REALLY important missing piece ? In a good or best setting you two would have at least been friends/on the same page with everything. So that missing piece is critical to understanding what the reality of the situation is.

But in general, I would fall back to this question....(for yourself)

What would I do if these people (she and husband) were just close friends ?
How would I proceed ?

It may shed a different light on the whole situation. Because any truly good relationship has to have that as it's foundation.

GS

[sunnydee]

Originally Posted by darthsabbath

Around the same time, I had to go out of town for a few months for an internship. Shortly before I left, my new sweetie and I went out one last time, and we agreed that it would probably be best that we put things on hold until she gets her life straightened out. I'm totally okay with that... I care for her very much, and I know that her needs come before my wants. However, I told her when I get back I would love to pick up where we left off when I got back, and she seemed to really like that idea.

I think this woman likes me... she's told me before how good I make her feel, how comfortable she is with me, etc. Even though she's currently going through bad times, I still see some of that when I talk to her... or maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see.

And so I'm confused. I want what's best for her... I want to give her space to get her life figured out, but the distance between us is starting to make me realize how much I want her in my life. I don't know that she is bold enough to come to me when (or if) she's ready to continue our relationship... that's very likely a step I'm going to have to make, and I just don't know when or how.

I may be reading this wrong, but it doesn't really sound like there's a problem here. You say that you both agreed that you put things on hold, but then you say you're not sure how she feels and you're not sure that she will contact you if she wants to. This makes me think that it was she that indicated she needed space and you are just feeling a bit insecure that if you don't keep your hand in, so to speak, that you might lose her. Maybe you just miss her?

It's ok to let her know you are there for her, if she needs you, and maybe to contact her after a few weeks to ask how she's doing, but, if she's really going to go through divorce... well, she really might need the space and you might just need to hang in there for a bit and wait til she's more settled to find out if you can pick up where you left off. It's probably a pretty crazy time for her and she really might go through some pretty radical emotional changes. It's clear that you already think that you shouldn't try to manipulate the situation more than that, and you're right. You might just need to wait and see. Hugs.

[classycaveman]

I agree with sunnydee. I'm know waiting is a bitch sometimes. Hang in there!

[darthsabbath]

Originally Posted by sunnydee

I may be reading this wrong, but it doesn't really sound like there's a problem here. You say that you both agreed that you put things on hold, but then you say you're not sure how she feels and you're not sure that she will contact you if she wants to. This makes me think that it was she that indicated she needed space and you are just feeling a bit insecure that if you don't keep your hand in, so to speak, that you might lose her. Maybe you just miss her?

It's ok to let her know you are there for her, if she needs you, and maybe to contact her after a few weeks to ask how she's doing, but, if she's really going to go through divorce... well, she really might need the space and you might just need to hang in there for a bit and wait til she's more settled to find out if you can pick up where you left off. It's probably a pretty crazy time for her and she really might go through some pretty radical emotional changes. It's clear that you already think that you shouldn't try to manipulate the situation more than that, and you're right. You might just need to wait and see. Hugs.

We haven't exactly broken off contact. We talk regularly, we play an online game together, pretty much everything we did before we started seeing one another. Aside from that, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm scared that if I wait too long before bringing "us" back up, she will have lost interest, and if I rush into it, I'll scare her away. The reason I will probably have to bring this up is because she's quite shy... I think even if she wanted to continue our relationship she would be too shy to initiate the conversation. I may be wrong, though.

I think when I return home in May, I'll just ask her if she wants to have dinner with me, and just go from there... I can get some kind of feel for where she's at emotionally and see where things go. Does that sound like a good idea?

[JonnyAce]

I think that sounds like an excellent idea. May i also suggest telling her what you've told us about not wanting to "initiate" a relationship again too early/late. At least then if you are too early/late she'll know of your fears, and maybe take it better. Then she can be open, and honest with you if it is too early/late, instead of making assumptions on your feelings of the situation.