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  #1  
Old 02-10-2010, 03:30 PM
amaranth amaranth is offline
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Default I have been outed!!

*this is pretty much copied from my livejournal.*

So I recieved this yesterday from my mother, on Facebook:

"Hi
Just had a really strange message from a complete stranger via facebook about you. It was a guy who called himself John Smith who knows if it was his real name. He said some crap about I should know that you are destroying your life and I should know that you are not "mono" and that you have been involved in a "poly" relationship for ages. I spammed it and did not reply. Do you know him and is he a crank or is it someone trying to tell me something I already know? A freak me thinks!
LOL
XXXXXXXXXXXX"


I am utterly confused.

Who the heck would want to do something like that? What would it achieve? I do have suspicions but I won't go into that here.

But more importantly I am panicking about what to do. I know that this means I will be completely outed to my parents soon... a good two or three years earlier than I had intended! My mum is clearly going into her denial thing that she does when she hears something she doesn't like (by convincing herself it's a prank.) This is never a good sign. I always intended to come out eventually.... but God, not yet!

So obviously I COULD deny it, say it's not true and leave it at that. But then - I can never really tell them. Because if I lie, and then come out later, it will be a lot worse then. So I feel I have been pushed into a corner where I have to make a decision - now, or never,

The answer, obviously, is looking like "now."

This has completely floored me. Totally, completely out of the blue and unexpected. Aside from feeling incredibly angry, hurt and betrayed, I am also having to weigh up a VERY tough decision about what to do now.

I've told her we'll talk about it when xmakina is present, neither confirming or denying the "accusations." That buys me a few days and means I don't have to do this thing alone.

Oh my gosh. I was not prepared for this.

J
xxx
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  #2  
Old 02-10-2010, 03:34 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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It seems like your mom was saying she already knows that you're poly. Could this be the case?
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  #3  
Old 02-10-2010, 03:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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What Rarechild said.
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:25 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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First, amaranth, I want to say I'm sorry for the predicament you're in. It sucks to be outted when you're not ready. I have some dear friends facing a similar sort of situation, and I know how anxious they all are about it. So my heart goes out to you, for sure.

I agree w/ Rarechild and YGirl. Your mum may already know.

Beside that point, though, you've missed your opp to dismiss the issue casually. When she brought up the message from the mysterious stranger, you could have replied along the lines of "Wow. Sorry that happened to you, Mom. John Smith, eh? How original. All kinds of kooks and wierdos on Facebook these days."

But now you've given credibility to the incident by saying you want to talk about it when xmakina can be present. (Why would you even need to discuss it if it's just a kook's prank?)

Having shown yourself this far, consider the possibility of coming out to her. She's your mom. She loves you, and she may be more understanding than you think. Of course, that depends on how open and tolerant your mom is.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I bet the OP's mom has known since Day 2 and she's been humoring the OP and just waiting for him to "come out" so she can say "It's about time. I've known all along and I'm happy that you're happy. I just don't want to see you get hurt". That is the sort of thing my mother would have said.
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Old 02-10-2010, 06:54 PM
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xmakina xmakina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I bet the OP's mom has known since Day 2 and she's been humoring the OP and just waiting for him to "come out" so she can say "It's about time. I've known all along and I'm happy that you're happy. I just don't want to see you get hurt". That is the sort of thing my mother would have said.
Amaranth is a girl

Sadly, I think her Mum was just thinking poly was a different way of saying bisexual, rather than knowing what Polyamory was.
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  #7  
Old 02-10-2010, 09:17 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaranth View Post
I am utterly confused.

Who the heck would want to do something like that? What would it achieve? I do have suspicions but I won't go into that here.
Wow Amaranth,

That really sucks - just sucks !
I'm sorry - but that kind of behavior is just immature, vicious and a complete violation & disrespect for privacy. Something you'd expect out of someone Jr High age

But ARE you really confused ?
Hard lesson learned here it seems. About people. About this whole thing around 'Social Networking' etc. Like Ciel alluded to - when you are online you have to be EXTREMELY care what you expose and to whom. And always assume it may be used against you. IS that sad ? You bet. But this seems to be the world we live in now.
Proceed with caution - and insight.

GS
PS: Like a few said - Mom may know more than you give her credit for. Guess you'll find out. But judging by her quoted reaction I wouldn't be expecting the worst. Mom's can be pretty kewl You'd absolutely die if SHE turned out to be poly too ! lol
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  #8  
Old 02-11-2010, 03:22 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaranth View Post
*this is pretty much copied from my livejournal.*

So I recieved this yesterday from my mother, on Facebook:

"Hi
Just had a really strange message from a complete stranger via facebook about you. It was a guy who called himself John Smith who knows if it was his real name. He said some crap about I should know that you are destroying your life and I should know that you are not "mono" and that you have been involved in a "poly" relationship for ages. I spammed it and did not reply. Do you know him and is he a crank or is it someone trying to tell me something I already know? A freak me thinks!
LOL
XXXXXXXXXXXX"


I am utterly confused.

Who the heck would want to do something like that? What would it achieve? I do have suspicions but I won't go into that here.

But more importantly I am panicking about what to do. I know that this means I will be completely outed to my parents soon... a good two or three years earlier than I had intended! My mum is clearly going into her denial thing that she does when she hears something she doesn't like (by convincing herself it's a prank.) This is never a good sign. I always intended to come out eventually.... but God, not yet!

So obviously I COULD deny it, say it's not true and leave it at that. But then - I can never really tell them. Because if I lie, and then come out later, it will be a lot worse then. So I feel I have been pushed into a corner where I have to make a decision - now, or never,

The answer, obviously, is looking like "now."

This has completely floored me. Totally, completely out of the blue and unexpected. Aside from feeling incredibly angry, hurt and betrayed, I am also having to weigh up a VERY tough decision about what to do now.

I've told her we'll talk about it when xmakina is present, neither confirming or denying the "accusations." That buys me a few days and means I don't have to do this thing alone.

Oh my gosh. I was not prepared for this.

J
xxx
Wow, that sucks. It seems someone thinks that they are either trying to help you or they have it our for you. Perhaps you should go with your hunch and ask the one you suspect if it was them... out of curiosity rather than anger that is. If you can get to the bottom of that first it might be easier to talk to your mum.

I don't have any good experience to tell you about my coming out. Coming out as a lesbian went better. My parents are still in denial since the fall. At least they leave us alone now though.

Really, the only thing I can suggest is that you tell her that it's true and that's it.

I don't know your mum so it's hard to say. Some parents do better being bombarded with books and information, some just want to discover for themselves or live in denial. Only you know what your mum might prefer. You could ask her if she wants some information I guess. There isn't always a good representation on line of what your idea of poly is. It might serve you and her better if you tell her what poly means to you and then let it go.
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  #9  
Old 02-11-2010, 03:38 AM
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disarmedheart disarmedheart is offline
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Just tell her, I mean really, does it ultimately matter?

We all die. Life is short.

I'm not trying to sound like a downer (I'm actually very happily drunk right now :P), but it's true. Life is too short to trifle with insignificant things.

Live life fiercely and with much fanfare! Celebrate your love and your capacity for it! Embrace it!

Then again, don't listen to me, I'm a total hermit with no real outside influence - I don't know the first thing about interacting with people, as evidenced by my totally charming naivety regarding this entire situation!

Last edited by disarmedheart; 02-11-2010 at 03:54 AM.
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  #10  
Old 02-12-2010, 08:35 AM
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classycaveman classycaveman is offline
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Default I feel your pain.

I'm going to assume that you've known your mom your whole life, and so you probably have a pretty good idea of how she will react when you eventually tell her the truth, and that your nervousness is justified. In light of this, I'd like to offer my sympathy, and my hope that if you do decide to share the truth with your mom, it all goes well.

I'm 30, living with my VERY Christian parents right now to save money while I'm back in school. When I didn't come home one night, it eventually came out that I had been at a woman's place for some fairly casual sex. My mom told me I disgusted her. My dad told me they weren't pleased with my life choices and we would talk about it later. That night I changed my facebook status to "looks like I'm moving again!" Then a message from my dad appeared in my inbox: "I saw your message about moving on Facebook. I think I might have an idea what this is about. I hope we can talk before you make any decision. Dad." I replied with I'm considering options but nothing that's a clear winner over staying as of yet. If you want me to stay there are two ways we can go. One is don't ask don't tell, the other is openness without judgement. I'd prefer the latter, as it's the only way we can have a relationship capable of growing, but it would be the harder of the two, at least for you and mom.

They haven't said anything about it since... which basically means they're not ready to have a real relationship with me. It's a little sad, but at least we have a platform of respect to live from.

...Kinda sucks when someone tattletales on you though.

My parents know now that I have different values than they do, that I respect theirs, and I want them to respect mine, but that they might not agree with some of my decisions. If they really wants to know about any part of my life, they can ask, but they shouldn't expect to hear what they want.

Hope this helps. Good luck!
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