Ideals vs. Realities

[BaggagePatrol]

There isn't anything in life as amazing as when your reality lines up with your ideal - but how often does it really happen? I've imagined myself with a sister-wife sort of set up for a number of years now, but when it started actualizing itself, I freaked. So, does that mean it's not my ideal? Does it mean that it can't be reality? I guess that's why I found these boards in the first place - to explore my experience with people who are trying to figure out some of the same questions I am.

I'm 33. Married for two years, together for five. I have some busted up relationships in my past that are so tragic that I just won't get into it, but in the midst of that rubble I rose like a phoenix from the ashes. I've never been normal - I rocked hairy armpits and a shaved head in a small town highschool, made my own punk ass magazines and fought for gay rights WAY before I ever knew I was into ladies. I've been outspoken, well read, in your face for as long as I can remember, but still managed to be the kind of girl that my men's mums were thrilled they were dating. In my later years I traded in that mohawk for long, expertly highlighted hair, my zine for newspaper articles about literacy and cooking, my fist pumping at rallies and protests for sitting on influential boards in my community. I have my health in my hands, and know the link between exercise, sleep, good food and happiness, whereas my younger self floundered in misguided ideals around a multitude of lifestyles.

I like myself. Fuck that. I love myself. I love my life, and the people in it. I'm popular, but it's weird, a lot of those people don't know me. At all. Even a little bit. Only a very few people know my heart, and I kind of like it like that. Social butterfly, sure - community activist, sure - yes, the mayor's my fuckin' friend on facebook, but she sure as shit doesn't know that I lurk about on polyamory sites, or that I have a strap on, or that I cry because I'm scared of people loving me, and me believing in that love and gettin' gutted from their failure to be good to me. Nope. She doesn't. And I like that. She wouldn't be 'friends' with me if she knew that shit anyways, to be honest. My life is lived in camouflage... but only sort of, because what I do during the day is genuine, and comes from my core. But so does the shit I do at night, too.

Being married to this man is incredible. He has a heart unlike any I've ever met - so full of love, so deep, and endless. My heart chose him. That was a first, as I am fiercely analytical in life. My heart KNEW he was my match for now, maybe forever. We had to fight to be together - lived far apart, relationship complications, totally different lives in general, but something about him was different. He was like me in a lot of ways, more ways than I ever knew - we had met a number of times without even knowing it - my sister had known him decades before, his best friend renovated the front of my business (even told him about the "hot blonde" working there!) only a few years prior. He'd had an art exhibit at a gallery I frequented, was rallying for different things right around the same time, so many threads tying us together long before life drew us into each other's arms. He was my secondary in a sexless marriage to Ward Cleaver - nice fuckin' guy, but wow, I could see my whole life laid out in front of me, much like standing in a field in the prairies, watching your dog run away for hours. I remember the day that I chose. Chose to put my balls to the walls and tell him how I felt. How he pounded his chest and cried with relief, months of wanting me so badly, willing to settle for nothing more than knowing I was alive. Waited his whole life, and had given up on finding me. But he did. And I did. It was like the dam in my heart burst.

It was hard for the first couple of years. Two passionate, fiery souls forging a life together was not without some truly epic fights. I'd never fought like that. We went to counselling, we loved and fought and fought and loved, and as the years passed, so did the rage against each other. It was like we needed to test it out, make sure it could pass all crash test dummy ratings. It does. It's strong. We have a core of something that can never be meddled with, never be shaken. I love this man in a way that I have only ever loved myself. It is fierce. It is unbreakable.

We're together, years pass, and I keep thinking about pretty ladies. About threesomes. It's kinky and fun, and I like to fantasize, but I start bringing it up. He likes the idea (surprise, surprise) and soon enough, we manifest it. I manifest it. A friend joins us for a few months off and on, and it is incredible.

I'm always moving friends in when they need a spot to land. Have too much space in my knock-a-bout house. Always wanting that community - communal cooking, chores, watching movies, games nights, whatevs - hanging out in bunches. Start thinking more seriously about having a GF for us to share who would share that with us. How amazing that would be.

And I manifest THAT too. And there's the rub. Once I have it, I freak out. And so I'm here, on these boards, sharing, listening, reading, talking, learning. Trying to figure out how to make my realities line up with my ideals. And I'm talking emotional realities, spiritual realities, and lifestyle realities. I doubt many people get it right the first time, but I don't want to believe that it's not possible. So here I am. All of me. Not just the pretty parts that the mayor likes, but all of me.

[NovemberRain]

Seriously awesome start to your blog. I very much look forward to following your journey.

[Fyredancer41]

Please keep blogging! I have the feeling this is a story I really want (and need) to hear.

[AnnabelMore]

Welcome! So much I'm curious about here... so, you moved your gf in? How long had you been with her before that? Is she interested mainly in you, or your husband, or both of you fairly evenly? What does freaking out mean in this context? It's your blog, so of course you can tell your story at your own pace, these are just my immediate thoughts.

Also, I wonder if the mayor had her own secret life...

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Welcome! So much I'm curious about here... so, you moved your gf in? How long had you been with her before that? Is she interested mainly in you, or your husband, or both of you fairly evenly? What does freaking out mean in this context?

Annabel, she wrote all about it in another thread.

BP, I could read your words all day.

Surely, if it took many epic fights and counselling to get on a good track with your amazing soul mate, it could take just as long to get poly-fi sorted out to your comfort zone.

I'd never want to limit my options that way... way too many hot smart cute people out there.

[AnnabelMore]

Thanks, Mags! Haha, I should have done my due diligence before posting.