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Old 02-08-2012, 12:36 PM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
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Default Lost and need help.

I feel so conflicted and lost. My husband and I have been struggling with poly for 6 years. Or rather, I have been struggling and making him miserable in the process. I am mono, ive tried to deny that and say I'm poly because I thought it would make it easier to deal. But it doesn't work and here I am. sad and making things worse for him. He is in a new relationship, the girl is nice, we've met and hung out and I like her. But with every girl, I freak out on, I feel like if I don't insert some dominance that I have no control over the situation. I feel the need to say, he is mine don't try and take him for yourself. And of course, everytime I do that, each girl gets scared. When hubby and I are together we are happy, unless the new girl is brought up and always by me. We are expecting our first child any day now and throughout the pregnancy we have dealt with his new relationships rather rockily. I cant blame the hormones entirely, but the last 2 months have been the worst. Accepting that I am not poly, that he is and I am mono, how do we make this work? I know it can, ive read about it. How do mono people become happy in a poly realtionship? We've talked about splitting up, but neither of us want that. We love each other too much and still have so much to grow on, but I don't know how to get over the feelings I have about him being poly. I know this is who he is, but it hurts. And I cant stop projecting these hurt feelings onto him. At this point its either leave or deal. I'm choosing to accept him as he is and love him for it. Any thoughts on how to do this without making him feel shitty about all of this? Again, I know being poly and mono work for some people, I think it can work for us, I just don't know how to begin that process.
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Old 02-08-2012, 12:50 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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I'm pretty new to all this, so I may be completely off base here, but I think you should table any poly activity, especially at an already delicate time in your relationship (new, small, needy human being coming onto the scene), and focus on getting your relationship with your husband on stable ground.

Again, might be way off base, but it seems like he should have you as his primary concern at the moment.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It isn't uncommon to take a break from poly relationships when a new baby is born. You two will be very busy and exhausted dealing with a newborn, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to shift his focus on your marriage and parenting for a while.
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Old 02-08-2012, 03:02 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ach, 6 years is a long long long-ass time to not have come to terms with your husband's poly nature. I'm sure it hurts him that you constantly sabotage his relationships with your possessiveness.

You don't seem able to wrap your mind around the idea that him being with others does not take away from his relationship with you. Ideally, his others should add to, augment, the love and fun you have with him.

Unless the other girl is truly a cowgirl and really does want to steal him away... that happens. But if you meet her and see she is on board with sharing him, respecting you, it shouldn't be an issue.

The main stickler is how he handles his NRE with new people. If he neglects you during that phase, doesnt make you feel special, dates them but not you, takes too many phonecalls and texts during your couple time, then it's on you to speak up about this, and on him to be more loving and sensitive to your needs for romance and fun too!

All that being said, now you're about to give birth, and I agree with the previous posters. Is you h cognizant of how much work he will need to put into the baby/toddler? Many poly people take a break for a good 3 years or so from dating others after a new child comes along, unless there is a longterm established secondary who is really into helping with the baby/housework/cooking/shopping as well.

One of the cool things about newborns is the overwhelming NRE one gets for them. That NRE could supplant the NRE your h has for his gf for a while, I bet!
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:14 PM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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Yes, 6 years is a ridiculously long time to not have adjusted to poly. During that time I think I was in denial, hoping that it would go away. And ive hurt him so many times by sabatoging those few relationships with my possiveness. He is fed up with it,and is at the point of just doing what he is going to do with them and have me deal with what ever feelings I get from it on my own. It sounds harsh, but I don't really blame him. He does give me the love and attention I need when he is here. Except the constant texting, but with most of his time going to me, oh I forgot to mention, on top of the baby, he got a new job which takes up 50-60 hours of his time during the week. How else are they supposed to get to know each other? The last girl couldn't do this because she was concerned of the time he wouldn't have once baby is here. So that one wasn't me for once Lol. Thanly. This one, he is afraid of the same thing happening, so it feels like he is scrámbling to make time for her while he can. They went to the movies last night. And he is spending the first full night away tonight with her. She is 20, with not much money and no id to go out so he goes there to hang out and drink, he usually stays till he is sober anyway, but this time he wants to be there when she wakes up, and he wont make a time commitment to when he is coming home tomorrow. I flipped. was that an over reaction? And asking him to hold off on poly when baby is here wont fly. This isnt the first time ive gotten that advice ,but when i mention it he thinks he can juggle all of this as long as I stop freaking out at the smallest things. And start being his supportive partner. Do I just let him try it and see what happens? In the meantime, I'm 41 weeks, frustrated that this baby wont come out, and I'm projecting everything onto him. How do I stop this?
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:25 PM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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Posts: 9

I forgot to mention, as I was reading over the replies, this relationship is very new, they just made their dating official, and neither of us know what its like to raise a baby, we are 24 and 25, she is willing to handle the time commitment one has when a baby is here, their both on board, it seems like I'm the one making a big deal out of it. But the thought of raising a child is so over whelming, I'm afraid that the NRE that comes from a newborn wont show because he will be too worried about keeping her happy. The thing is, ive screwed him so much in the 6 years of poly. We both want to get past this, and I want to be happy with the way life is now.
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:18 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It sounds like he is filling a gap with other women to me. Maybe because he was denied his true identity for so long? Maybe he didn't really want a kid ands sees it as your thing? I dunno. Something is up there.

I agree, poly has no place when babies are due if people are new to it. Time to buckle down and figure out how to be a dad, not someone's bf. I think he's in denial.

When I had my boy, almost 9 years ago we took a break for three years. Then we started in again slowly. When I got pregnant ot was a time where neither of us had other partners. We thought it was a good time to have kids.
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