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Old 02-06-2012, 06:49 AM
noob noob is offline
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Default does poly make you less patient with lovers?

Hi! Been officially poly about 9-10 months. I'm married to my primary and have had two significant secondary relationships (6 months, 4 months, respectively) in that time. Both ended in breakups mostly initiated by me. I've noticed that I'm a lot less prone to tolerate negativity or relationship downswings in poly...after a few weeks of sustained downswing, I just tend to get the hell out. Is this something you guys have noticed you do? I feel like in mono I put up with a hell of a lot more unpleasantness. I think eventually I will need to learn to up my tolerance for unpleasantness a bit or I won't have any long-lived secondary relationships. But I'm wondering if this is mostly a product of having a primary and putting in more work there...and knowing I have that to fall back on. Just thinking out loud and needed some people to do that with
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:58 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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It could be that you just weren't compatible with these particular people, that happens. The thing with relationships is that they aren't going to be just fun and games all the time. People have good times and they have bad times. If someone trusts you enough to let you in when they aren't feeling all happy that's a good thing and should really be looked on as a gift. Going through rough emotions with someone generally brings you closer together emotionally at the end of it.
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:01 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Can you clarify what you mean by relationship downswings?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:46 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I second Annabel, a little more clarification might be helpful here.

I am not married, never have been. I have recently entered into poly with two men I've known (and sequentially dated) for over eight years. I find that I have been more forgiving of each of them, of things I was not forgiving about when I was mono with either of them. I don't know that I would call it unpleasantness, but I have noticed that I feel more tolerant.
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:51 PM
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I'm not sure if there's benn a difference for me pre- or post-poly, but I think I've been much more critical of my relationship with the person I'm working on being primary with, versus the person with whom I have secondary relationship. Things with my secondary need to be good, but things with my primary need to be capital "r" Right for me to feel comfortable. A bad habit like leaving dishes lying around is no big deal in my secondary because I'm only over a relatively small amount of the time, whereas if my primary, who I'm intending to live with, does that, it would drive me insane in a week!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #6  
Old 02-06-2012, 03:04 PM
noob noob is offline
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Well...let me see if I can clarify, then. The most recent downswing occurred after I introduced a new partner and my existing secondary took it really hard, was hostile toward me and erratic in his behavior. He also expressed a lot of his emotional ups and downs to me with it...and he's depressed anyhow on top of that but hasn't sought help so far. He's surprised that after two weeks of processing his behavior and feelings with him I'm ready to be done--but I just don't feel committed to seeing it through. Maybe I lack commitment to this particular relationship, but my worry is I just lack commitment in general. However, I have been married for almost 8 years, 6 of them entirely mono, so obviously I am capable of committing to stick out the bad times. I guess I just wonder if my perseverance is mostly taken up by the primary relationship, leaving me less energy for sticking it out in the others?
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