Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-01-2012, 12:04 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 70
Default My wifes emotional connection with her new man

My wife has recently met a guy and has fallen in love with him. I am genuinely happy for her.

What I am finding most painful though is that I can sense that she is more open emotionally and is more excited about seeing him than she is me. She has even said so herself. She is aware that she is much more open to him during lovemaking that she is with me where she is a little guarded and protecting. This is due to the 6 painful years it has taken us to reach this place of opening our marriage. Whereas with her new man there is no painful past. Of course there is also NRE, but this goes deeper than that...

Everytime I know they are together I am finding it painful because I know how open and excited she is, and I know how difficult she finds it to be so open to me. I am hopeful that this openness will swing my way over time...

Any suggestions on how to best deal with this kind of pain?

Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2012, 02:53 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Why are you adding more people to the mix when your relationship isn't ready for it?
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2012, 03:40 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822

My advice is to keep talking to her about it and processing it. In my own relationship, there are some things that I do more easily with my boyfriend simply because he's not my husband..... it has nothing to do with either of them as people, but the script in my head about what a husband is. I had an controlling step father and my husband is in no way a controlling person, but my first reaction to my husband telling me to do something is to rebel. I don't have that reaction with my boyfriend.

My husband brought it to my attention that this hurt him; that I would just do what my boyfriend told me to and not him. So we talked and processed and talked some more. I've tried to be less rebellious and he has a better understanding of where I'm coming from so he doesn't take it personally.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2012, 05:31 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

I've noticed this dynamic before and it absolutely stung at first since, at least for me, my initial reactions in becoming poly was to internalize any disparity I perceived. It seemed there were subjects that got my husband hot with others that he was uncomfortable to try with me because he worried about my reactions more than with someone else. With me, there is more to lose should this relationship go south so of course he is going to stress over that possibility more with me than any other partner.

I don't know what has happened between you and your partner in the last 6 years or what pain those years manifested. It might help to explain whats up with that. But for us it was something we battled over repeatedly. It was when it got to its ugliest that we made our biggest break through. He began to take the risk of losing me by bringing me closer to his sexual wants rather than shielding me from them. And I really dug deep to not turn away from him out of the hurt that he had been sharing those parts of himself with others and not me. Its like a whole new relationship now complete with the NRE I thought people only got with new connections.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2012, 05:34 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 653

I wonder if it's just that you two aren't really ready yet for other people to be so heavily involved in your relationship?

My SO and I for various reasons relating to lack of practise, past relationships etc etc have some work to do on communication. Work that is taking ages - it's hard to do and we're both busy! Until we are able to communicate openly with each other, I wouldn't be happy about either of us developing new, intimate relationships.

I'm not talking just about sexual relationships - any that would take up lots of time, effort and large involve emotional adjustments. I wouldn't have a baby with him just now. I also wouldn't get a puppy or a new dog.

It just seems like doing so would make an already difficult job harder?
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2012, 06:53 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I think you are adding meaning to what you see and are assuming a lot. It's NRE. Stop asking her about her lovemaking with him and how differently she feels; let her manage that relationship separately and have some privacy. She's probably as open and excited with him as he is with her; how open are you when you're with her? How excited are you to be with her? Have you romanced her lately? Stop comparing yourself and your perceptions of your wife's responses with anyone or anything else. You two need to keep working on your relationship and, if you're really not ready for this, perhaps she should slow down or scale back in being with the other guy.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-01-2012 at 07:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2012, 07:06 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Why are you adding more people to the mix when your relationship isn't ready for it?
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I wonder if it's just that you two aren't really ready yet for other people to be so heavily involved in your relationship?
Are these drawing on some additional information? I wouldn't think this issue to be severe enough to alone cause such a conclusion..

I think you should focus totally on your relationship with your wife. The other guy and their relationship is just not relevant. It doesn't matter (to your relationship) how much openness she has with him, it matters how much openness you and her share. It sounds like more openness is something you'd both like. Sure, you have more baggage, so it won't come as easy. That's often the case with an established relationship; you have to work to get rid of the baggage to build new. But it is possible to do that. Talk to your wife, make a commitment with her on working these things together, and have patience.
Reply With Quote

married and polyamorous, new to polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:27 AM.