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Old 01-31-2012, 05:33 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default The Journey of JaneQSmythe

I joined this forum formally on January 18th 2012 after lurking and reading for a few weeks. Due to recent events in my life I have found that I was looking for the conversation and advice of a community of poly-people (and the people who love them) – and am glad to find you all here conversing and advising away cheerfully!

I posted my Personal Summary:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=230

I posted an Introduction:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20575
(and really appreciate the welcome I received there!)

Now I find that I want to share more and tell my “Life Story” - luckily for me you have a forum for that as well!

**********

(For reference I thought it might be helpful to include a list of the current cast of players in this not-very-dramatic drama – in subsequent posts I will pseudonym walk-on characters as needed...)


Dramatis Personae:

(Disclaimer: my interpretation of people's sexual orientation, poly/mono orientation, relationship status etc. is MY subjective interpretation based on their behaviors in my presence, stories and observations of others – I may be DEAD WRONG...)

MrsS (Me) – poly bi female, wife to MrS, gf to Dude, LDR FWB to VV and MsJ

MrS – straight (but not narrow) male, probably mono, husband to MrsS, close (best?) friend to Dude, friends with VV and MsJ

Dude – hetero male, probably poly, bf to MrsS, close (best?) friend to MrS, ex-bf to CrazyGirl, off-and-on sex buddies with Nan. MrS and Dude were friends for 1-2 years before I was introduced to Dude.

VV – bisexual female, poly?, swinging?, primary type relationship with fiance. We've been FWB almost since we met (19 years ago?), she was friends (without benefits) with MrS for a few years before that.

MsJ – bisexual female, primary type relationship with husband, 2 kids. Married to MrS's best friend from HS for 7-8 years. We've been FWB for, maybe, 4-5 years.

CrazyGirl – straight (potentially bi-curious?) female, Dude's ex-girlfriend, stated goal is to be married and “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen”

Nan – female, off-and-on sex buddies with Dude (when his relationship status allows for it)

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-31-2012 at 05:54 AM. Reason: formatting
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  #2  
Old 01-31-2012, 05:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Dear Reader

Thank you for your interest in my personal journey!

My purpose in writing this blog is to set down, in an orderly fashion, the events and ideas that have led me to where I am today. I actually sat down and wrote an outline of the topics that I want to address with notes on items to cover in each sub-section (unsurprisingly, neither MrS nor Dude were surprised to learn I had written an outline - “Of course you did.”). My plan is to start with a series of posts covering my/our personal history – where I was in my life, how I interacted with people, how people responded. In the second section I plan to review the hurdles we faced, the major arguments we had, the mistakes that were made and their resolutions.

I am a person who finds it easier to communicate via the written word where I can take hours editing and re-editing until I find the flow of ideas that best conveys my intent. I may spend a seemingly inordinate amount of time finding the exact word or phrase that conveys my meaning precisely. The act of doing so, in turn, gives me personal insight into my actions and reactions to the topic or event I am addressing. I expect and hope the process of writing this blog will be an enlightening one for myself, and if my journey happens to provide a glimmer of insight to anyone here (even if it is only that you find that you disagree with me vehemently) then so much the better (“value-added” bloggingness).

My request to you, Dear Reader:
I realize that this is a public forum and that I have no right to expect others to abide by my preferences, however, as my intent is to bring myself up-to-date in my thought processes, I would appreciate it if comments during the initial phase be limited to your immediate reactions to my posts and links to helpful resources and posts where you (or others) have dealt with similar issues. Once I have completed the “formal” (i.e. planned) portion of this blog I intend to convert to a more “journal” style blog where I discuss day-to-day issues in my journey as they arise or write about poly- or relationship-related topics that stem from conversations I have had, both in person and online, and how they relate to me and my general “philosophy of life.” At which point I hope you will join in with suggestions and vignettes.

In the meantime, if there is a conversation that you would like to have about something I have said in my personal history posts I would be grateful if you would post in my “Intro” thread (link above) or, if it sparks a topic of conversation of general interest, we can start a thread in the relevant section of the forum that I can link back to here.

JaneQSmythe

PS. That sounds so formal! My purpose in this request is to help me stay on track and get everything down. I am easily sidetracked by interesting conversations (and quite verbose about it, to boot). I think I owe it to myself (and my boys) to take the time to wrap my head around my own thoughts. Think of this as the counseling/therapy that I do so badly (I once spent an entire session talking about Heinlein rather than my feelings - an interesting conversation, but I already KNOW what I think about HIM - and he's DEAD for crying out loud - THAT relationship isn't going anywhere any time soon )

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-31-2012 at 05:44 AM. Reason: redundancy
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Old 01-31-2012, 06:15 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi Jane, you have no need to worry in the Blogs section. Debates aren't allowed here. There are a different set of guidelines for the "Life stories and blogs" forum, and if someone posts something to your blog that you don't want to remain there, this is the only forum where you can request someone else's posts be removed from your thread. This is from the User Guidelines:
Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
•Respect the Blogs

The "Life Stories & Blogs" board exists for members to chronicle their journeys. It's a place for personal narratives about relationships. While discussion of what's posted is expected, those threads are not a place for open debate--they are personal chronicles. If you read something there that you just have to debate, start a discussion about that topic on the General board. If you try to argue on somebody's personal story thread, the post can be removed at the request of the member who started the thread.
So, rest easy, blog away, and... welcome!
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The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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Old 01-31-2012, 06:45 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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*my* first reaction to your initial posts?

You're freakin' adorable! You go grrrl.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 02-02-2012, 02:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default The pre-beginning: before MrS – the High School Years

Many of my views of sex and relationships have been shaped, I believe, by reading Heinlein since the age of 12. Growing up my family did not have a strong body modesty taboo and I believe this has something to do with my comfortableness with my own body and its sexuality. I started masturbating at 12, I “lost” my virginity at 16. (I apologize for the quotes but per Heinlein = “ ...But don't talk about 'losing' anything, when in fact you will be achieving your birthright, that supreme status of functioning female that your biological inheritance makes possible.”)

Looking around at the activities and entanglements of my fellow students I knew that I was not interested in the drama and hassles I saw inherent in high-school romances. I had things to DO with my life. I didn't want to waste time with petty romances and waiting for some boy to call for a date (Blech!). The concept of “love” I was fairly ambivalent about, I wasn't really sure it existed (to be fair, this is a concept that is still troublesome to me). It seemed me that “love” was something that horny people convinced themselves they were “in” to justify the fact that they wanted to have sex with someone. Since I was perfectly happy accepting that there were plenty of people that I was sexually attracted to, the whole “love” aspect seemed an unnecessary complication.

When I decided to become sexually active at the age of 16 it was with careful consideration of what I wanted. For my first sexual experience I chose a friend of mine, call him PianoBoy, who also happened to be the first boy to kiss me (at the age of 12) – for some reason the symmetry of this pleased me. We were friends, we hung out, we had several interests in common, we fooled around intermittently and I would get turned on. I knew that he had slept with, and was sleeping with, a number of girls but never had a “girlfriend”. For a year or two he had been periodically asking “So, when are you going to have sex with me?” and my answer was “Wait until I'm sixteen.” A few weeks after I turned sixteen he asked the same question and my answer was: “Pick me up at 3 on Saturday, bring condoms. But, I have to be home by 7 because I'm going to the Homecoming Dance with some guy.” He did, and we did, and it was fun! (The dance, however, was boring as...well, hell would have been more exciting...not my sort of thing at all – had only agreed to go as a favor to a friend.)

So, having decided that sex was something that I wanted to experience more of – I called Planned Parenthood and got on the pill. Not that I actually ever disclosed this, intentionally, to any of my prospective sex partners – let them think that the condom was their only defense against potential fatherhood and I figured they would be that much more careful. I'm a “suspenders-AND-a-belt” kind of girl – an unintended pregnancy would have interfered with my plans (although I had a back-up plan, of sorts, for that as well – my aunt was having trouble getting pregnant, I was going to a.) run away, b.) call her and offer to have the baby for her to adopt, c.) come home and apologize to my parents.)

From that point on I chose my potential sexual partners from a.) friends that I was sexually attracted to that I thought were “emotionally mature” enough not to presume on our friendship for more than FWB and b.) random boys that I met that I was sexually attracted to that seemed to me to be amenable to my NSA approach to sex. (Girls had not yet hit my consciousness in regards to the range of possible sexual partners...although I had the usual “crushes” in this regard – just not registering on my “sexual attraction” radar.) To back this up I had developed a list of “rules” in my own mind to avoid possible emotional entanglement: a.) no virgins (in my observations, people had a tendency to become 'attached' to their first sexual partner) b.) 'The Rule of 3' – I wouldn't have sex with someone more then three times (in my observations, people had a tendency to become 'attached' to people they had sex with on a regular basis) – in actuality this turned into a 'Rule of 2' – I'm a bit of a hoarder, so I would “save” one sexual encounter with a good partner 'in-case-of-emergency' c.) at any sign of 'attachment' sexual contact stops – say I misread you and after the first sexual encounter you get all “mushy” or start calling me for no reason, or act jealous when I am flirting with others – yup, done.

Contrary to what you may think this actually worked out quite well for me for a few years. The few misunderstandings were cleared up by my friends having a conversation with the boy in question (“It's not that she doesn't want YOU for a boyfriend...she doesn't want a boyfriend at ALL. That's just how she is....”) So I never had to confront the “feelings” side of sex in any significant way...

… and then there is the 'Story of MrS'...
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Old 02-02-2012, 03:39 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Growing up my family did not have a strong body modesty taboo and I believe this has something to do with my comfortableness with my own body and its sexuality.

Looking around at the activities and entanglements of my fellow students I knew that I was not interested in the drama and hassles I saw inherent in high-school romances. I had things to DO with my life. I didn't want to waste time with petty romances and waiting for some boy to call for a date (Blech!).

When I decided to become sexually active at the age of 16 it was with careful consideration of what I wanted.

To back this up I had developed a list of “rules” in my own mind to avoid possible emotional entanglement: a.) no virgins (in my observations, people had a tendency to become 'attached' to their first sexual partner) b.) 'The Rule of 3' – I wouldn't have sex with someone more then three times (in my observations, people had a tendency to become 'attached' to people they had sex with on a regular basis) – in actuality this turned into a 'Rule of 2' – I'm a bit of a hoarder, so I would “save” one sexual encounter with a good partner 'in-case-of-emergency' c.) at any sign of 'attachment' sexual contact stops – say I misread you and after the first sexual encounter you get all “mushy” or start calling me for no reason, or act jealous when I am flirting with others – yup, done.
You just posted my mindset from 17 - 20. I can't wait for more posts already, lol.

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