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Old 01-30-2012, 04:01 PM
alchemistwizard alchemistwizard is offline
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Default He Cheated with a Potential Third

Hello everyone, sorry if this is kind of long. I am a 26 year old female, and I've been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. We're monogamous, but have always wanted to try a threesome. Neither of us have tried anything like it... in fact, before me, he's never really had a committed relationship, just a long string of friends-with-benefits and one-night stands (he's 30 years old.)

We've been vetting a couple of potential thirds, including a previous FWB of his. She's cute and eager, but I started to feel very uncomfortable with our interactions. For one thing, she only ever paid attention to him-she didn't really try to get to know me or establish a connection with me. She was also VERY forward... all of her posts on his wall were sexual jokes, calling him sexy and handsome, and asking why he hadn't been around to see her lately. A few weeks ago, I told him that I was still open to the idea of a threesome... but not with her.

Two nights ago, he came over to my place and we had a fantastic time, as we usually do. I have a slightly higher sex drive than he does, and I've just gotten on birth control, so we went outfit shopping to make the occasion extra special. After some great sex, I fell asleep, and woke up a little bit later to find he'd gone out into the living room. I thought he was maybe finishing off the porn we'd started earlier, so I sneaked up behind him to surprise him... When it turns out the thing he was jerking off to was a Facebook chat with the ex-FWB who I had vetoed.

As you can imagine, I got extremely upset. It wasn't so much that he was having a sexy chat that bothered me... it was that he was having a sexy chat with her, who I had very clearly stated I did not feel comfortable with. He also said a few things in the chat, like how he "wished he was still an option" that really destroyed me.

For his part, he was really devastated by how hurt I was. He said he'd let his hormones run away with him, and that he was still kind of in the "singlehood" mindset. He emphasized that he would NEVER physically cheat, and that there's a big disconnect for him between words and actions, but it was stupid of him all the same. He also offered to block her and never speak to her again, as he says that the sexy talk has just always been their dynamic, and what their friendship is based on.

We also had a very very long conversation about why he felt the need to do this. He thought it might have something to do with requiring outside validation of his attractiveness. I asked if he'd prefer to be single. He said no, he's through with that phase of his life and he's extremely happy with our relationship. I asked if he wanted to be poly, and he said no again, because he thinks it'd be too complicated and emotionally messy for him.

I eventually offered the idea of going out and flirting with women to get an ego boost, but he said it'd make him too uncomfortable... Instead, he wants us to go out together and have us BOTH flirt with girls. I also gave him permission to be a huge flirt at parties... he'd actually been holding back, because he thought it would bother me. He was really excited about the concept of us flirting together, and thought that would be perfect.

For me myself, I just feel really confused and hurt. I'm pretty sure this is an isolated incident (I have pretty darn good intuition about this stuff... he admitted a couple of other things in regards to his past, all of which I'd suspected but never said anything about.) If it is isolated, I think I can get past it. But I'm terrified of it happening again.

My question is, how can I/we prevent it from happening again? Does he secretly want to be poly but won't admit it? How can we rebuild trust? I still really want to try a threesome, but now I'm afraid that this same situation will happen again. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you so much!!
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:10 PM
alchemistwizard alchemistwizard is offline
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:31 PM
JohnnyDangerously JohnnyDangerously is offline
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Wow... I'm not quite sure where to begin. First, you guys really need to examine what you each really want and then COMMUNICATE with each other openly and honestly..A threesome is outside monogamy technically, but isn't yet Poly either. But without clear goals to start with, you will have a hard time getting anywhere.

The second big one I see for you is this prior FWB. Again, depends on what you guys establish as what you want and expect. You have ruled her out as part of a triad, but if he opens up and says he wants to develop more with her, are you ok with him pursuing her as a V? If so, is he ok with you pursuing another man as part of your own V, if you so choose?
Again, lots to talk about first!!!
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:32 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by alchemistwizard View Post
My question is, how can I/we prevent it from happening again? Does he secretly want to be poly but won't admit it? How can we rebuild trust? I still really want to try a threesome, but now I'm afraid that this same situation will happen again. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you so much!!
You can't prevent anything, especially anything he decides to do. So get that straight first.

You won't know if he has any poly desire until it becomes a forthright conversation. No one on this forum knows if he's secretly poly either, because none of us reside in his head.

There needs to be an ongoing open dialogue for trust to be rebuilt. Between you and him. Everything laid out, including this situation with the other girl.
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Old 01-31-2012, 04:13 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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It doesn't sound like he wants to be poly to me. It sounds like if anything he wants to continue to have options sexually to boost his ego.

I would focus more on your relationship with him instead of worrying about what he might be hiding from you. If your relationship is solid, he'll tell you when he needs to tell you. In the meantime, you can support his personality (because this flirtatiousness sounds like it is just kind of part of him) by going out and flirting, having a threesome -assuming that's something you're actually interested in-, and all that.

You might consider swinging vs. poly if it is just a sexual desire and not an emotional/relationship one.

All obviously just my opinion.
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Old 01-31-2012, 04:28 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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From what you've said at this point it doesn't sound like he really has the inclination to be poly. It sounds like he wants to keep his sexual options open. You say that he's 30 and has never been in any type of long term realtionship. This is all new to him then and I imagine he's adjusting to a new way of thinking.

How about you? Are you interested in other realtionships or are you interested in outside sexual fun? There isn't a right answer or a right way to be but it really sounds like the two of you have a lot of talking to do to figure out what you want. The thing is that what one of you wants may not be what the other wants. You are 2 individual people and although you share a relationship you might not have the same views on what you want other relationships in your life to look like and that's ok.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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