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  #1  
Old 01-29-2012, 08:18 AM
bailey bailey is offline
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Default mono spouse feelings...

Hi All...

newby here...I posted in the Intro forum.

my hubby has a girlfriend of two months... I want to be ok with this whole idea of the Poly relationship.

we have been together 2 decades...

there are days I am totally ok with it... other days... i dont want to share him with anyone else and jealous of him spending the time with his girlfriend.

he does make sure to fill my cup so to say and spend quality time with me before going to his girlfriend or chatting with her via computer, messaging etc.

I know hes in the "dating" stage and needing lots of time to get to know his new girlfriend. how much is too much?

we are still working it out. what the balance that I feel comfortable with etc.

would like to hear some tips and advice. I dont want hubby to get burnt out so to say and still have energy to concentrate on work, family, us and his girlfriend.

how do others poly balance all this?
how do other mono spouse cope with the roller coaster feelings? its perhaps still new for me and gets better with time?

Thanks in advance.
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2012, 10:01 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Try to be patient with yourself.

You've had 20 years to get used to being a monogamous married couple with your husband. You've had 2 months to figure out how to be with your husband with another partner in the picture.
That's less than 1% of your relationship with your husband, to adjust to a completely different relationship paradigm from not only your marriage, but everything society and media has spent your entire life programming into you.
Even less considering a chunk of those 2 months you didn't even have a name for it.

I don't think this kind of flip flop thinking is uncommon. I know I went through a similar process in trying to reconcile the idea of my wife being with other men, and that process did literally take months for me.

Most people are their own worst critics...so be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to readjust, and assume that there will be mistakes and challenges along the way...both for you, and for your husband, and for his gf. Try to be forgiving of all three.
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  #3  
Old 01-29-2012, 03:01 PM
PolyMinNY PolyMinNY is offline
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Well I'm new to this myself but I will add my feelings.

I am also a mono spouse with my wife being the one who is dating. I have found that by talking with really open honest dialogue my fears have diminished.

I really love my wife and she feels the same about me. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. Throughout our marriage I went with the mainstream thought process that you can only have one love. I have since to realize that you can have more than one love and I actually think it's advantageous to open up.

I feel very confident that we will remain together and by her having the freedom to pursue other guys with my approval she will be fulfilled.

My wife had her first date since we opened up a couple of days ago and I was nervous and a little jealous that she wasn't with me. The more I thought about it the better I feel in that I have allowed her to explore what she really needs.

I think my feeling of the security in what we have together is what has helped me.

I hope this helps...
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Old 01-29-2012, 06:21 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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Sometimes you won't realize something is an issue until it becomes one. Just being aware of that fact can help you deal with it. Once you become aware of an issue, don't be afraid to address it. Hiding it can have worse consequences.
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Old 01-30-2012, 12:02 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Roller coaster seems pretty common. What I thought I should mention is that your husband may be on a roller coaster too. You didn't really say whether poly is a side of himself he's recognized all along, but he may be grappling with changing a lot of expectations and self image too. just keep talking about what both of your are feeling. As was said, it's better than hiding things, which puts up walls; the talking can help you know each other in ways you didn't expect.

And for sure, it just takes time.
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  #6  
Old 01-30-2012, 01:32 AM
CrystalLiving CrystalLiving is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade View Post
Sometimes you won't realize something is an issue until it becomes one. Just being aware of that fact can help you deal with it. Once you become aware of an issue, don't be afraid to address it. Hiding it can have worse consequences.
Thanks for that. I am stuffing and hiding my feelings and I think it is killing me slowly.
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  #7  
Old 01-30-2012, 10:47 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrystalLiving View Post
Thanks for that. I am stuffing and hiding my feelings and I think it is killing me slowly.

Whether it's monogamy or polyamory, this shouldn't be acceptable in any relationship. You need to be honest about your feelings, and true to yourself. Never let somebody slowly contribute to your demise by deciding you need their freedom of adventure to be more important than your mental health.

I'd probably start early by setting a schedule, x nights date night for you, x nights you're ok with your partner being out of the house or on dates, without too much stress. Expand your giving in this department as you feel comfortable with it, don't feel like you can't say no if you want to say no. I don't think I'd ever be OK with more than 2 nights a week with my spouse being at another partners overnight, and if it was something he really wanted we would discuss it, but I wouldn't automatically feel obliged to offer that without a lot of discussion and deciding where my comfort level was.

To avoid too much roller coaster early on, it really just requires for us, a lot of discussion, awareness, and honesty. I admit in this, I've never been confronted with us, or any partner of mine or my spouses having too severe of NRE so if your husband is going to be dealing with that, my advice will certainly be less useful if he doesn't see how his actions are affecting you.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-30-2012 at 07:11 PM.
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  #8  
Old 01-30-2012, 02:07 AM
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polandrylady polandrylady is offline
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Smile my guy feels the same way

My guy feels the same way...

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyMinNY View Post
Well I'm new to this myself but I will add my feelings.

I am also a mono spouse with my wife being the one who is dating. I have found that by talking with really open honest dialogue my fears have diminished.

I really love my wife and she feels the same about me. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. Throughout our marriage I went with the mainstream thought process that you can only have one love. I have since to realize that you can have more than one love and I actually think it's advantageous to open up.

I feel very confident that we will remain together and by her having the freedom to pursue other guys with my approval she will be fulfilled.

My wife had her first date since we opened up a couple of days ago and I was nervous and a little jealous that she wasn't with me. The more I thought about it the better I feel in that I have allowed her to explore what she really needs.

I think my feeling of the security in what we have together is what has helped me.

I hope this helps...
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  #9  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:20 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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There are quite a few tags if you do a search for "time management." You might try "lessons," "boundaries" and "foundations" too to see how others have figured time management and boundaries out.

It all takes time, patience and a whole lot of communication. Just because he is in a "dating" phase doesn't mean you have to suffer and not spend as much time as you need. Going at your pace and easing in will mean that you are both going into this with your eyes wide open and ready for anything that comes up because you will have been on whatever came up before right away. It kind of feels like a clean slate every time something has been dealt with. If it doesn't then it likely isn't finished being dealt with.

Going into things quickly means that things are missed, feelings and concerns don't rise up slowly so that they can be dealt with. Its a fine art and a practice for sure. Good Luck.
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  #10  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:53 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey View Post
Hi All...

newby here...I posted in the Intro forum.
Welcome

Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey View Post
my hubby has a girlfriend of two months... I want to be ok with this whole idea of the Poly relationship.
I'm hallucinating an unspoken 'but' right there. You want to be okay, but you're not quite...yet... ?


Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey View Post
there are days I am totally ok with it... other days... i dont want to share him with anyone else and jealous of him spending the time with his girlfriend.
I'm frequently jealous of people my men hang out with (and I'm the one that's in relationship with two of them).

I imagine it's very challenging to be at home, looking at all your familiarities and thinking of him ~ while you're knowing he's out doing something with someone else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey View Post
he does make sure to fill my cup so to say and spend quality time with me before going to his girlfriend or chatting with her via computer, messaging etc.
That's awesome.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey View Post
I know hes in the "dating" stage and needing lots of time to get to know his new girlfriend. how much is too much?
(this is what made me want to reply)

Too much is however much makes you nuts. This is the place where you need lots of communication and working it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bailey View Post
would like to hear some tips and advice. I dont want hubby to get burnt out so to say and still have energy to concentrate on work, family, us and his girlfriend.

how do others poly balance all this?
how do other mono spouse cope with the roller coaster feelings? its perhaps still new for me and gets better with time?
I'm not the mono one, but I think I'm more nutted about doing this poly thing than my men are. [we've all known each other for over 8 years, and we've just recently become a vee. they're deeply good friends]

One thing that has helped me always (cuz I've dealt with LOTS of rollercoasters before poly) is to remember and try to cultivate things that make me happy ~ apart from relationship. Friends are good, and sometimes it's really excellent to be with friends without going over all the troubles. Like someone to come over while he's out on a date and watch a movie or a bunch of folks for game night. Sometimes forgetting the sturm und drang of the work of relationship, and just having a bit of living is really strengthening and renewing for me.

Also, remember to breathe. A lot.

wishing you the best
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