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Old 01-19-2012, 10:10 PM
ThisIsBad ThisIsBad is offline
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Default my husband's actions - NRE or something else?

We've been married for twenty seven years. The last six of those years being polyamorous. It was something that I suggested after I fell in love with a friend. I started dating the friend about a year after our first serious discussion. There's also another guy that I started seeing three years ago.

My husband was never thrilled with the idea. I've offered to break things off with my boyfriends a number of times. My H has said that there was not point since the door was already open and couldn't be shut. One time, when it became really clear that H was unhappy, I took the initiative and went on a break with my bfs. H was not happy about that. He said "Go back to them. Do what makes you happy."

Our son moved out just over a year ago. This is when H got a girlfriend of his own. His gf and I are friendly with each other. For the past few months, H has been more distant. He started blowing off our date nights to spend time with his gf. Our communication has gotten progressively worse. He doesn't open up anymore.

I attributed it to NRE and brougbt the issue up with him. He says that it has nothing to do with NRE. I have two other theories which he disagrees with.

1. This is an exit affair.
2. He's doing it out of revenge.

I've gotten to the point where I wonder if my marriage is already over and I can't just admit it to myself.

What are your opinions? Can anyone relate?
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:06 PM
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IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
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I am not in your marriage, so it is impossible for me to really understand what it is like. But it sounds like he is getting back at you, perhaps subconsciously? He sounds like he really cares for you, wanting your happiness so much over the years. Even so, it must feel so great for him to have a gf of his own. Perhaps he is doing what he felt you were doing to him?

I would give him a break, he is new at this. NRE is powerful and stealthy. Giving him a break doesn't mean not communicating though! I would sit him down, have a serious conversation with him about his actions and how they are making you feel. Then perhaps, compare it to how he felt for the past few years. Just be there for each other and talk about your feelings.

I am in a similar position, as I pushed for poly and am the only one dating right now. I keep pushing my husband to get a gf, but he is only partially interested. I check in very often with him, making sure that he is alright with the way things went that week. It can be hard.
Have courage to continue this journey, for it holds nothing but lessons and wonders.
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:09 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I don't have any insight, but I do have questions.

If your husband doesn't attribute his blowing off date nights with you to NRE, an exit affair, or revenge, what reason does he give?

Is his gf seeing him only?
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You say you're friendly with his gf, your metamour. Do you ever hang out and chat with her? Maybe she can give you some insight into anything in their relationship which might have created a shift in him. Does she realize that he's been going out with her on your designated nights?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 01-20-2012, 03:55 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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On very little info, it sounds a bit like he is debating an exit strategy. When you say that he was never thrilled with the idea, can you expand a bit on that ? I am also curious if his girlfriend identifies as poly, and if so, if she has other partners besides him.
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:01 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Have you read the thread by KindaPOD. This sounds very simliar.

It would be interesting to analyze the language and conversations in the early years. Meaning what he said ...what you heard.

A possible reason the break offer failed is the concept behind it.... only a temp fix or gesture, heart is still divided among several other men. The mental and emotional component is out the door ...whats the point of denying the physical at that point.

An exit affair ...don't know what that is or why anyone would want to do that but you know him. Is he a long term planner. Did he talk about finding a Gf or did he just show up with one out of the blue?

Revenge ...maybe ...again is he capable of that. Could it be he did what he
had to do for the last six years coping wise and now he just doesn't care how it may effect you. You asked for this dynamic he didn't...now its your turn to suck it up.

Exist affair, or pay back, either way it's not good if you want your marriage to survive. Was there ever talk about how this could end your marriage?

My gut feeling is you lost him along time ago ...perhaps years.

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-20-2012 at 06:12 PM.
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Old 01-20-2012, 06:27 PM
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polychronopolous polychronopolous is offline
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Honestly, it doesn't sound good. He may have resigned from the relationship along time ago. But all the outside opinion in the world is not equal to honest open dialog between the two of you. You need to ask him where he is at, permitting him to be completely honest, and be ready to hear things you may not want to hear. He has likely been carrying a lot of resentment for the last six years and may be paving his way out of the relationship. Then again, that may not be the case, but you can only guess and feel miserable unless you talk to him.

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