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  #1  
Old 01-20-2010, 04:43 PM
MrMom MrMom is offline
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Default New member, very confused

Hi all,

First of all, thank you for this forum and resource.

I'm guessing that I'm probably not the first or only new member that's registered with my circumstances. I'm going to try not to commit any serious faux pas or sins here.

So here it is: My wife would like to explore an open marriage. She just came out to me that she's been having an affair with an old boyfriend for a while now, and she wants to explore polyamory. Naturally, I'm deeply hurt and confused, we have two wonderful kids, and honestly our lives over the past 5-6 years have been packed full of drama and pain which I believe has led to our current situation. So I'm here to try and learn what I can, I want to do what I can to save our marriage, but of course I have my hesitations and concerns.

A pre-emptive thank you for everyone being here and humoring me!


quick edit: I'm a stay at home Dad, hence my username.
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  #2  
Old 01-20-2010, 05:37 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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OK first of all, welcome to the forum.

Second of all: OUCH! Being cheated on and lied to like that is absolutely horrible - the betrayal of trust and the hurting that goes along with that.

Is she still determined to keep up a relationship with this third person while you work through this, or can there be a true break from it, to give you a "safe place" from which to work?

One thing that I feel is important in a situation like this in order for polyamory to stand any chance of working - you two needs to work on the trust thing - if you can't get to a point of trusting each other then you are going to make it very hard, or impossible to make polyamory work. I think that everything else is (relatively-speaking) details.

Right now I can imagine you are in a position where you feel betrayed and that you can't trust her - and those are valid feelings, given the fact that she has lied to you and broken the rules of your monogamous marriage. I believe strongly that trust has to be earned - in this case she is going to have to work to regain your trust.

Please feel free to talk more about what has happened since you have found this out - share as much or as little as you like.
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:50 PM
MrMom MrMom is offline
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Thanks for the welcome. As a new member to this forum I don't want to overstep any boundaries. But at the same time the "anonymity" of the internet can make it very easy for me to open up to people I've never met.
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:01 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Welcom and by all means open up. The more you share the more the value of insight offered will be.

Sorry to hear this. Quick comment. Your wife has got to regain your trust and you have to get your relationship on a good and healthy foundation before trying to add more. I hope she understands this. You can't proceed without having a good core relationship. She should be honored you are eve trying in my opinion. Take care of yourself first! Make sure you are healthy. Don't let external things influence you too much. You have to want to stay because you want to...not because you think you have to.

Good luck
Mono
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:02 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Well, I can't speak for your own personal boundaries, but situations similar to yours aren't uncommon - feel free to share as much as you like here.
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  #6  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:15 PM
SusOfSeattle SusOfSeattle is offline
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If you're not open to darker opinions, I think you should skip mine.. I speak from the seat of a successful 3 party poly, live-in family.






Having forewarned you- Your wife of more than 6 years had the option of "exploring polyamory", asking for a break to date others which would give you time to find someone else and/or asking to open the relationship -before- she betrayed you. She could have respected the boundaries of your relationship, preserved your trust and honor, and made small inwards towards her needs, but at a pace that you were comfortable with..

She didn't.

She had an affair. She took her time making sure she was once again compatible with the ex boyfriend and had conversations with him about the two of them dating long term. Then when she knew she was secure in a 2nd relationship and had a very strong safety net in case you reacted negatively to her cheating, she tore down the last barrier to her happieness; Her guilt. She told you she cheated..

So now you have a decision to make. And I hope for your own long term happieness that, while in 1 hand you're trying to balance the needs of your wife and the other hand, the needs of your children; you make a little room for your self respect.


Sorry to shed a little rain cloud.. But I've been where are now, and didn't make room for myself.
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  #7  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:51 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SusOfSeattle View Post
If you're not open to darker opinions, I think you should skip mine.. I speak from the seat of a successful 3 party poly, live-in family.
.
I don't find yopur opinion dark. I think it represents a likely possibility. Not the only one, but a likely one.

Thanks for being honest.
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  #8  
Old 01-21-2010, 07:23 AM
sisterinlove sisterinlove is offline
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The first thing you truly need to decide:

Do you want to save your marriage for your kids' sake or because you still love your wife and want to be with her?

Look deep into your heart and be sure before you answer that question. The road you must follow to save your marriage is long and can be very hard. Be sure it is the road you want and need to travel.

If you truly want to save your marriage, your first step is communication, honest, deep, even painful communication. You need to discuss what has happened and what each of you want and need in order to continue as a family. Do not argue. Discuss it with open minds and hearts. I suggest these conversations take place in neutral territory. A restaurant, a park, where ever you are comfortable, but not necessarily in your home territory. Often people become extra defensive when on their own turf. You have to tell her honestly how you feel, and you have to be willing to listen to how she feels as well.

This will not be easy, nor will it be fixed overnight. But if you can get through this, you may find your marriage will be stronger and more secure than ever before. Good luck.
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  #9  
Old 01-21-2010, 01:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You could also decide to stay together and raise the kids but have separate "social" lives (I mean "social" in the "sexual" sense). I have a friend that has been doing like that for the past 10 years or so. They have separate bedrooms and see other people but they are best friends who raise their son and run their household together.
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