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Old 01-13-2012, 12:55 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Default Sexual dysfunction in a new relationship (warning, sexual content here)

I have been in a long-distance relationship with an amazing man for about six months, plus knew him virtually for about four months before we actually met. He and I are in love and it's quite wonderful! I sometimes feel like my life would be just perfect if I could only see him more often. Right now we are averaging a weekend together about every three or four months.

My partner's wife is monogamous, although cautiously supportive of him and his poly nature. He has known he was poly for about six years now. I know she'd prefer that he be monogamous too, but she accepts that he is poly. I met her the last time I saw him, and although I wouldn't say we bonded as friends, she was polite and civil to me and welcomed me into her home, and I think that was probably the best I could have hoped for.

While I am not the first woman outside his marriage my partner has loved, I AM the first one he both loves, and has also had sexual intercourse with.

Here is the problem. My partner has some hormonal issues that have made sex difficult or impossible for him in the past. He's under the care of a doctor, and taking hormonal supplementation, and from a hormonal standpoint, at least, he is OK now. I do know that he has had issues with performance anxiety. He says he is having normal sexual intercourse with his wife most of the time. They do not use condoms. He does use condoms with me. While we have technically managed sexual intercourse a couple of times, it's always an "he's just barely hard enough to manage it" situation, and he always loses his erection a few minutes after we start. He has never had an orgasm with me. (I've had a bunch, he's great with his hands.) I can't seem to do a thing for him orally, or with my hands. He says that oral, at least, can't get him off anyway. I have the same problem myself.

I think we would have a good shot at successful intercourse if we could skip condoms. At the moment, my lover is my only partner outside of my marriage. My husband does not have other sexual partners outside of me at present. Neither my lover nor his wife have other partners. I was tested for all known STDs a few months ago and I was 100 percent fine, no oral herpes even. In addition, my lover had a vasectomy years ago.

I do realize that if any of us add partners, fluid bonding may have to end, depending on what is going on.

The problem is that my lover's wife refuses to approve us fluid bonding. He says she is worried about pregnancy. (Outside of him having a vasectomy, I am 47 years old too, and would never have a baby with anyone but my husband anyway.) I offered to use a backup method of contraception, and then he said she is worried about diseases. I point out that I have clean STD tests and no other partners at present. He then sighs, says she is not being rational and that he is not unhappy with our sex life. I don't like to tell him that I AM unhappy with our sex life, but of course I am. I want to see him have an orgasm. I want to have intercourse for more than three minutes. I want to have intercourse with a guy who is actually erect enough to penetrate me without serious gymnastics.

My lover's wife is aware that we are having these sexual difficulties, according to him. I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with. I can't exactly say that to him though.

For now, I told my lover to try wearing condoms with his wife, and hopefully get used to them enough so that he can have normal sexual intercourse with a condom on.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? He did suggest a female condom for me, which his wife would approve as a substitute for a male one. I've never used one, but I already have some issues with decreased sensation during intercourse (ah, the joys of impending menopause), and I don't want to make things even worse in that area.
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Old 01-13-2012, 01:23 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe a diaphragm or a cervical cap? They're smaller than a female condom and might not block sensation the same way, but would provide the same safety.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 01-13-2012, 01:52 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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I already offered to use a diaphragm with him, AnnabelMore. It's rather ridiculous since he must have a zero sperm count (he was tested as such years ago, and he's never gotten his wife pregnant since his vasectomy, and she is younger than I am too). But I'd do it for her comfort. She nixed that because a diaphragm is no protection against diseases. Which I don't HAVE, and my STD testing proves that!

As you can see, this is a little frustrating...
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:31 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Do you ever talk to the wife directly, or is he the liason? Can the three of you meet together and discuss this, or can you develop a closer relationship with her so she can feel less threatened by you?
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:56 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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I doubt I'll see her before this summer. They live 2,000 miles away from me. I will be seeing him in April at a poly social event, which she likely will not attend with him, even though he wants her to come and I've encouraged it as well. (Plus the wife has an email friendship with my husband, whom she has never met, and he will be there too.)

She and I do email occasionally, but I have to say that I haven't enjoyed that much. She and I are very different people, and even though I know she doesn't intend to see me as an adversary, that still comes through the communication a bit, for me.

Mainly, the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you. So I won't make too many waves, but I certainly won't like it either, and I'm not going to go out of my way to smooth the path for you two."
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I always remember some advice TruckerPete gave to a guy with the same problem in another thread:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I have a friend who can't get hard the first few times with any woman he feels a connection to.

If you don't already have an open dialogue about the issue you're experiencing... I'd suggest you start talking about it. Something simple...

Also, how are you putting your condom on? Do you try to get it on as soon as possible when you know it's "go" time? That could be scaring your man parts. Try putting the condom on and not jumping straight to sex. Touch yourself or have her touch you with it on. Don't be afraid to go through a few condoms before you actually have sex.
I have also seen others recommend that a guy practice getting comfortable with wearing a condom by masturbating with one on as much as possible.

It's very soon for fluid-bonding. You've only known him six months. Furthermore, it is a boundary in his primary relationship which should be respected. You almost sound like you're having a tantrum about it. How would you feel if your husband had a gf who was harping on him to change a boundary you and he agreed upon, and which was very important to you? It doesn't matter what her reason is, just because you don't like how the sex is going doesn't mean you're more entitled to going bareback than she is. Where is your empathy for what she is going through, being mono and allowing space in their relationship for him to have a gf? I think her position as his mono wife -- who is obviously struggling -- should be given compassionate consideration for the gift she has given you both.

I think you should try every option for you and he to handle issues within your relationship without trying to get her to change for you by giving up a boundary before she's ready. It's an unfair expectation to place on her and, let's face it, your relationship with him is still in the beginning stages. And it's not her fault you can't talk to him about not being satisfied. Better off to try and work past that one and make the necessary effort to communicate honestly with him about your disappointment (without blaming him or her). If you love him, you owe him that much.

And an STD-free report from a few months ago is apparently still inconclusive. It doesn't mean there was no infection immediately after the tests were done. From what I've read, it needs to be followed up with another 3-6 months later, for more peace of mind.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 01-13-2012 at 07:16 PM.
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condoms, dick problems, fluid bonding, sexual dysfunction

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