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  #1  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:21 AM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Default A question for the mono men

My fiance and I will talk about this in depth and as he processes his thoughts and feelings, but until then, I am curious to see other people's insights and thoughts, etc.

When first being introduced to the possibility of a mono/poly relationship, what was your reaction to the thought of another man being intimate (from glances and hand holding to oral and penetration sex) with your love? At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

I always smiled at the thought of my man loving or loving on another woman, so I can't understand his feelings and he is not yet able to express them fully. I used to think it was simply a masculinity thing, but I think it goes deeper than that and I am so curious to find out then inner workings of a mono mind. Soooo intriguing!

Thanks!
-Kat
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Old 01-12-2012, 08:41 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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The whole idea of being mono is that you only want one person to have that intimacy with. Why he isn't comfortable that you are poly is probably because most people who are brought up around all this mono culture, feel that it is even wrong to be with more than one person. But it is something people can overcome.

I know it's a lot more complex than that really, but it gives you a basis. I think it could be an interesting question to ask my partner. =]
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Old 01-12-2012, 09:02 AM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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I was brought up in this mono culture as most of us probably were, so I simply thought we were all poly-minded but living with society's stringent rules. I am just now, at the age of 30, realizing that people don't think the way that I think and that there's actually a word for me (polyamourous). So, with that, I realize that my fiance's issues may be more than a masculinity thing.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

Do I hope that one day my man can move past his hang-ups? Of course. Do I expect it to happen in a day, month, year, ever? No, we'll just let things naturally work themselves out. I'm going to love, cherish, and be with him regardless.
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Old 01-12-2012, 09:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There is the underlying message, handed down through the ages, that women are property. I mean, considering that even as late as the 1960s and 1970s most women could not even get a credit card in their own name, is it any wonder that inherent in the idea of marriage and relationships that men are taught to be very possessive toward women they get involved with. They are still taught that their sense of worth comes from working and supporting their loved ones, so no matter how enlightened or open-minded someone is, they have to get past that bullshit.

So, I think one of the ways this expresses itself is in the traditional mono attitude. Much of the disgust a male partner feels at the idea of another man being physically intimate with the woman he loves has to do with it being a violation of something that only he "has a right to" -- in essence, his property and possession. I think it is very strong in our culture for a man to feel that a commitment with a woman means she belongs to him. Of course, lots of women feel the same way about "their men," but this is a huge influence on our ideas of relationships and marriage in general.
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Old 01-12-2012, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I was brought up in this mono culture as most of us probably were, so I simply thought we were all poly-minded but living with society's stringent rules. I am just now, at the age of 30, realizing that people don't think the way that I think and that there's actually a word for me (polyamourous). So, with that, I realize that my fiance's issues may be more than a masculinity thing.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

Do I hope that one day my man can move past his hang-ups? Of course. Do I expect it to happen in a day, month, year, ever? No, we'll just let things naturally work themselves out. I'm going to love, cherish, and be with him regardless.
I've had those feelings before myself. Even though mono never made sense to me and have always been poly at heart. I was just brought up around mono culture. My mother is weirded out by the fact my sister is bi, never mind bringing poly up. =P

So my answer would be, I was just brought up to believe what indie says. That women were like property I guess? Though I can't say I ever felt that. I "got past it" by just learning about who -I- was. I'm big on freedom and everyone having it. I never worked with a partner or anything to fix that. It was a literal wake up one day and realised I needed to be myself. Some people go their whole lives not figuring themselves out. There's a lot to learn. I bet I'll be finding things out about myself for a long time too. =]
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:06 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Well, I assume the two of you (and anyone who reads this thread buy has not chosen to reply) have poly friends and know people in mono/poly relationships, so if you could poll the ones you know and answer the following questions, that'd be great!

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Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:16 PM
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What, our input has no merit for you? I know you want to hear from "mono men," but... sheesh.

You just posted your questions today (at shortly after 3am in my time zone), and it's still early morning in North America. You will surely get some responses from members who have experience to share, and you are asking for answers that require some thoughtful consideration. Be patient. The day is young.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-12-2012 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:40 AM
Monochrome Monochrome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
When first being introduced to the possibility of a mono/poly relationship, what was your reaction to the thought of another man being intimate (from glances and hand holding to oral and penetration sex) with your love? At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.
Hello, I'm Gray's mono husband. Our relationship has only recently become "actually poly", though rather open since we were dating. (details available in our intro threads)

Some have mentioned old, chauvinistic concepts of possession and not wanting to share "your" woman with anyone else. I never really had this leaning, but did have to work through some preconceptions over time.

To start, I never had problems with Gray touching, hugging, etc., other people. She was very outgoing, and she enjoyed contact with people she was close to. The next step, perhaps, of hand holding, also wasn't any issue. Except (at the very start) when she wanted to hold my hand in public. I was so shy at the time, I didn't want the attention or people looking at me I guess. (Same for us kissing in public. For a bit, at least)

As to her kissing others. Even at the start, my only objection was that if others saw they would get all busybody and bother us, and I didn't want to have to deal with misguided interlopers.

Beyond that, we went in stages and negotiated at each step. Once in a while, she would push a boundary a bit, stretch a definition, but never far and not often. We would discuss it, refine definitions, and move on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?
For me, it wasn't so much about "I love her, so I will learn to tolerate". It was that I felt such a connection to Gray. Such a multitude of connections, really. Physical connections involving, well, the physical. Mental connections involving sci-fi, anime, trivia and math and so much more. Connections of the heart involving shared interests and values. Many of these connections were shared with others. Connecting over trivia, for example, is pretty common.

The ones shared just between us, though, were precious, some more than others. I didn't want to lose those connections, or dilute them, weaken them, however you want to phrase it. The "big" physical connection, for me, was PiV.

I never felt disgust, but I did feel fear about losing these connections, or just that they would weaken. So, the progression of our relationship has involved me confronting why I valued a particular connection that was just between us, when our connection would not be any weaker should she also have a similar connection to someone else. Part of it is that she showed at each step how she could maintain all these connections. I haven't really tried, and never had much interest in trying, to maintain all these connections to other people. Perhaps it is just my mono brain, I don't know. Perhaps I could, if I tried. All I know is that she can, and that I trust her to talk to me if she fells something weakening in our relationship, just like she trusts me if I have concerns. All along, we talked with each other. About what we wanted, what we felt about the current stage of our relationship, about all sorts of things. I can't tell you how we communicated, we just talked. She was very good at making sure I talked. Besides the actual communication that was achieved, I think these talks were very important to the overall journey because they showed time and again that I mattered to her, I wasn't being replaced, and I was on this journey with her, not an outside observer.
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Old 01-14-2012, 09:45 PM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
.. At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

I always smiled at the thought of my man loving or loving on another woman, so I can't understand his feelings and he is not yet able to express them fully. I used to think it was simply a masculinity thing, but I think it goes deeper than that

God, I wish I knew. If you ever find out post it here.

I'm currently in a Vee relationship with a man who doesnt want me or his other girlfriend to be with any other man. Neither she or I really have time for another relationship, so although it is fundamentally unfair, it hasnt been a deal breaker so far.

But it is baffling.

I said to him a while ago: "You say that loving her doesnt make you don't love me any less', that its not a competition, that she and I are both unique individuals, that you've never been happier, that you really like feeling loved and cared for by two women and feeling like you've added happiness to our lives as well. So if all your reasons are positive and not selfish, and there's absolutely no reason for us to feel jealous or insecure, - If all this is true, and this has been such a wonderful, fulfilling experience for you, why wouldnt you want us to experience the same thing? Why wouldnt you say, I hope that if I cant be with you because I'm with the other one, or busy with work, you will have someone else you care about to make you happy, go places with, and talk to, or hold you at night?"

And his answer was: "I can't. I just couldn't stand to have either of you with another man. I couldnt handle it."

I read the other posts about historical views about women as property, but I'm not sure I agree that's the reason. Political thinking and even ones cultural upbringing seems to be amendable to reason, logic, experience. His reaction seems to be a lot more deep seated and emotional. I do wonder if it isnt hardwired into the brains of certain men, although I realize that sounds sexist. I swear, the illogicalness of his position on this makes me crazier than the unfairness of it.

So I hope someone answers your question.
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Old 01-15-2012, 01:10 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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My first reaction to the thought of Wife's physical intimacy was also extreme discomfort. (Actually, I think the idea of emotional intimacy worries me more.)

For me, I think it was the fact that Wife had been intimate with other people before we got married and she still loved me enough to get married. So I guess those relationship didn't damage our marriage. I'm taking it on faith that existing relationships won't neccessarily be detrimental either.

Another issue is that I dislike double-standards, so I disbelieve that it's always easier for a woman to deal with "her" man being with someone else than a man dealing with "his" woman being with another man.

Wife and BF are planning their first visit soon and while I'm freaking a little, I expect to be able to weather it. I'm hoping subsequent visits will be less and less uncomfortable.

Last edited by Icewraithonyx; 01-15-2012 at 01:13 AM.
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