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Old 01-18-2010, 06:11 AM
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Default Poly networking

My friend has decided to have a poly sex party. Most of my friends are going and I'm sure will have fun. My definition of poly is one whereby I approach others that I am interested in and they approach me. I like to build loving friendships and see what happens with each of them or with couples. I have a hard time with thinking of this party as a poly event. I talked to my friend at length about this and we agreed to respectfully disagree on this and also noted that we are both on different journeys within our poly experience right now... that all can change of course and we both agreed that life is fluid in these ways.

My friend mentioned the term poly networking as a way to explain where she was coming from and the context behind the event. Not that it was like mono sex parties as everyone will be poly and like minded. I suggested the term poly swinging, but swinging can be a loaded word for some and she wasn't keen on that term

Any thoughts on all this? I am left stumped again about stupid definitions!!!! Geez this shit drives me crazy sometimes!
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Any thoughts on all this? I am left stumped again about stupid definitions!!!! Geez this shit drives me crazy sometimes!
Redpepper your not alone on this and I'm glad you were able to post this to the board. I feel very similiar to you on the poly-casual sex aspect of lovestyles and even found this at one of the conferences I went to and was very surprised at my negative feelings/reactions to the casualness of it.

I don't want anyone pointing their finger at me either since I am familiar with swinging and am comfortable with it's definition and expectations. Possibily that is why some of us can peg these types of events as 'poly-swinging' and I am OK with agreeing to disagree.
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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........
I have a hard time with thinking of this party as a poly event.
Hey RP,

I just think it illustrates the different outlook and priority sex plays in different people's lives. No more - no less.
I think you're creating questions in your own mind where there are none (or shouldn't be). It's not 'comfortable' for you. That's totally fine. For whoever participates - it is. That's fine too.
Again (and again and again and....) this reflects back to the whole attitude people have about the little word 'sex'.
Think of it this way...............
If this was just ....say... a barbecue party would it raise the same questions in your mind ? Not likely.
So now, we're going to barbecue and get down in the grass and somehow that's different ?

When sexuality finally becomes as accepted as ribs and burgers these questions (finally) go away. Because sexuality is every bit as normal a part of the human experience as eating. And whether your hunger is for 1 burger or 4, with or without condiments is based on your own needs.

All in the mind I say

GS

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 01-18-2010 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:15 PM
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Hey RP,
When sexuality finally becomes as accepted as ribs and burgers these questions (finally) go away. Because sexuality is every bit as normal a part of the human experience as eating. And whether your hunger is for 1 burger or 4, with or without condiments is based on your own needs.
GS
I get this concept, I occasionally 'preach' this concept. SO WHY is it that poly-sex-parties don't equate in my mind. I think that is the question at hand - correct me if I'm mistaken.

Topic for discussion, because it is a mindset.

I'm thinking that if you look at a poly-sex party and a swingers house party that only close friends have been invited to, that they would look the same to 'unknowing' people. I have been in both worlds, I speak of this from my experience and maybe that is why when the poly folks involved with a sex-party point their fingers at the swingers with really close play partners I tend to shake my head and wonder why we all can't just get along.

Maybe that is why it is so disagreeable to me - not the fact that it is a polysex party but that some may judge it as better then swinging. LABELS LABELS I know we need them and I hate them.

my rambling has ended, perhaps others have better verbage and insight then myself but this is my point of view.
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Old 01-18-2010, 03:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I have been in both worlds, I speak of this from my experience and maybe that is why when the poly folks involved with a sex-party point their fingers at the swingers with really close play partners I tend to shake my head and wonder why we all can't just get along.

Maybe that is why it is so disagreeable to me - not the fact that it is a polysex party but that some may judge it as better then swinging. LABELS LABELS I know we need them and I hate them.
Rose,

And I totally get YOUR point and agree.
I've raised the point before about the fine line between the TERMS 'swinging' and 'polyamory' and took the anticipated beating for it. That's ok. People form their oft quoted 'values' and belief systems based on their own personal experience and information they have (chosen) to absorb.
That is their 'truth' by definition.

But this is as good a time as any to express MY position and go wayyyyyyyyy out on a limb by say that I see a lot of pockets of people in various cultures & subcultures that under the banner of "opening their minds" have simply substituted one bucket of dogma for another that they felt better served their desires.
I see a lot of that here on this forum. (no particular individual targeted - if the shoe fits - wear it)

Now THAT should get me whipped in good shape !

GS

PS: RP - you're almost as good at stirring up a bees nest as some people I know I Do love honey !

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 01-18-2010 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:17 PM
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Haha! Thanks GS. Glad to be of service.

At least we were able to leave the conversation with mutual respect, understanding for each other and more depth to our relationship.

I think for me, and having slept on it, my initial concern was that the party may of been seen as part of another poly group that offers education. I felt uncomfortable with that, but actually it wasn't and apparently that has been rectified and changed on the invite.

I guess I see it as ... I could have sex with my co-workers, I could have sex with the regulars at the coffee shop I go to, I could have sex with the people at the gym I go to, but do I want to, feel it suits me, feel safe in that, feel like it is how I want to relate to them? Those are the questions I ask myself. If I was interested in someone I would approach it far differently.

The first half of the night is a sex toy party and I wonder how much people paid attention to the afterwards part... I got an in detail heads up on that part before hand and others didn't. Its all being handled respectfully in terms of peoples boundaries, just so you know... all thoughts... Still working on it in my head.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:35 PM
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I guess I see it as ... I could have sex with my co-workers, I could have sex with the regulars at the coffee shop I go to, I could have sex with the people at the gym I go to, but do I want to, feel it suits me, feel safe in that, feel like it is how I want to relate to them? Those are the questions I ask myself. If I was interested in someone I would approach it far differently.
Ok - so where IS this coffee shop eh ????? <grin>

But you say you'd approach it differently somehow with someone you were "interested" in ?
<<<scratches head>>>
You mean someone you felt some potential romantic connection to ?

So........the 'sex' that you'd potentially have with them (coffee shop) would be different somehow than this other person ? You're going to open your heart more during the act somehow ? Or something ?

Just trying to figure out what exactly you're saying here.....

Love talking to you !
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Old 01-18-2010, 06:33 PM
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When sexuality finally becomes as accepted as ribs and burgers these questions (finally) go away. Because sexuality is every bit as normal a part of the human experience as eating.
GS
If sexuality ever becomes this normalized for me, please shoot me. I like the pedestal I have placed it on. For me personally it gives it depth, meaning and purpose. I don't fuck just to fuck nor do I use it as a bonding agent in relationships or a recreational past time. I like the fact that it is something I share very restrictively. But that's me...and we all know I am one freaky dude

Peace and love...but no sex Unless your name is Redpepper
Mono
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:18 PM
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If sexuality ever becomes this normalized for me, please shoot me. I like the pedestal I have placed it on. For me personally it gives it depth, meaning and purpose. I don't fuck just to fuck nor do I use it as a bonding agent in relationships or a recreational past time. I like the fact that it is something I share very restrictively. But that's me...and we all know I am one freaky dude

Peace and love...but no sex Unless your name is Redpepper
Mono
I must be one freaky dude too.....

SHIT-I'm not a dude!

GS-I DO see your point. I don't care one whit about a sex party.

I guess the part for me is that I don't consider sex=love or love=sex.

So I wouldn't call a sex party a multiple-love party.

On this note (there was SO much...argument? discussion? not sure) about this differentiation before, and I haven't stopped perusing my own self over it.

I used to "sleep around" quite a bit. Didn't bother me and I know others who do-and that doesn't bother me either.

The key difference is that we don't call it love-we call it GREAT SEX (or so-so sex, or lousy sex depending on what fits on each occassion).
We're cool with anyone having (preferably great) sex with anyone else as they wish.


Having watched Avatar-I thought the "not people" in that movie had a GREAT concept of love compared to people. They saw it as being pertinent to an energy source that connected ALL. Not all "people", ALL, all animals, people, plants etc. It was all interconnected.

When I have sex, well that "interconnection to the "energy source" that connects all life-well it isn't necessarily there. BUT when I love-it always is.......
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:48 PM
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She was so confident in who she is as a woman that only enjoys intimate sex with connection and bonding, a woman that doesn't like public displays of nudity and who cherishes going at a pace that is more slow and moves towards depth. I was blown away at how she took others approaches in her stride and wondered if this is real "poly networking," not going out and being a player necessarily, one uping the competition and getting all the good men or women, but also taking it slow, figuring out who we are and going with it. Letting ourselves be just ourselves and being okay with that.
I think this is amazing, and just shows the varieties of people that "do poly well". I do love the idea that there is such a wide variety of different lovestyles involved in this large/huge umbrella term and I think it's important to make sure that nobody tries to make it one particular style, pressuring others into doing it their way.

While something like you parties may be interesting, I really don't think that having sex with people I don't know would do anything to improve any sort of spiritual connection with them. I have done the sport sex and, while it was quite interesting and enjoyable on one level, it was missing a lot of what I desire most in a sexual relationship, which is the mental bonding. I know I am not going to develop a mental bond with someone I just met during a party lasting several hours - even if sparks are there, that's all they are. I know others feel differently about this, and more power to them for that - it's just not for me.

So I can identify quite strongly with the attitude of this friend of yours.
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