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Old 12-31-2011, 04:38 AM
Mintcar Mintcar is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 24
Default struggling as second girl

I am new here so forgive me if my post is inadequate. I will try to keep this concise but I do ramble. I am a 30 year old female and have been in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple for four years. They have been married for 13. The wife and I are best friends and I love the man like a husband. I live with them. The thing is I cannot helpbu feel like he loves her more and shows much favoritism. I need your perspective please. Although I am the only one with adegree in this hh they both treat me like I am not as intelligent as she and he constantly refers and deferrs to her for advice. When he.and I go out he calls herr nonstop and does not me. He pays more attention to her and when I get upset he says I'm too needy. She is very particular and her needs are attendedd to while I must go along for the ride. Both laugh at me often. In general he has more deference for heer and I feel like the goodtime girl. I get more sex I think and that's about it. Am I being unreasonable? What are your thoughts?
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Old 12-31-2011, 05:33 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Wow! I was in a triad that deteriorated quickly due to insecurity of the wife. Her husband, who I also loved like my own, also deferred to her, but in our case it was in an effort to try and reassure that eventually failed.

However, this behavior that you are describing sounds very similar. Could it be that she was initially insecure and that this deference became a habit?

Has it grown worse over the time you've been with them or remained about the same?

Or is it possible that this deference was how their relationship was before you entered the picture and so they are behaving as they always have? In which case they probably just regard it as normal. If this is the case, then I agree, their interaction should have been modified somewhat to accommodate you better.

In any case, it sounds like the issue needs to be discussed.
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Old 12-31-2011, 05:52 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Thank you bookbug, you helped me understand what I wanted to say here.

If I heard this story, about those behaviours, and you were in a relationship with only one of them, I would say it sounds abusive. I would not be happy in a relationship where I got laughed at, and my needs were not considered.

I am all new to this, and my experience has been almost exclusively mono. But that was my first thought upon reading it.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 12-31-2011, 06:00 AM
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vanille vanille is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
Posts: 76

I do not have such experience. However, I have been with my husband for ten years. I wonder if something similar could happen. I imagine if it did, it would only be out of habit (frequent calls, seeking advice, etc). If this is new, he may be going out of his way to show her she has nothing to fear, that he loves her the same as he always has.
In a relationship with Armani for ten years. New to the poly world and excited. Living in New Orleans...
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Old 12-31-2011, 06:26 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

Besides the dismissive comment about being too needy, what is his response.
Was there an agreement to equal time and focus?

Maybe you are just the good time girl. What's your gut tell you. Actions speak louder than words.
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Old 12-31-2011, 07:03 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211

Were you coming into this relationship with the understanding that you would be in more of a "secondary" role? Regardless, NO ONE deserves to be laughed at!

I stepped into an established poly MF relationship with the clearly stated and agreed upon expectation that I would be treated as another primary...never a secondary. It never happened. When I would raise similar concerns to your own about not feeling included in decision making, having my opinion heard and taken into consideration, and/or wanting a commitment from him/them to spend more time together with him/them/extended family, e.g. once a week minimum, I was told I was "too needy" or often ignored and told I didn't seem to understand poly relationships very well! I eventually chose to leave the relationship as I knew I wanted and deserved differently and better. It's been a year now and I still miss him...her....the extended family. But...NOT enough to compromise what I want, need and deserve.

Yours is not a new poly relationship. You've been together for 4 YEARS. If the excuse is that he needs to give her more time, attention and consideration to "reassure" her....I can't imagine that she will ever be reassured enough!

Please take good care of yourself as you make a decision about what you want to do. You deserve to be treated minimally with courtesy, respect and kindness.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 12-31-2011 at 07:09 AM.
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