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Old 12-30-2011, 06:09 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Default Need advice on my new poly relationship!

Hi everyone! I just joined this site like five minutes ago. I've been polyamorous my whole life, but having a name for it is recent.

This jist of this question is this: My boyfriend's parents just found out that he is in a relationship with me and because I am married, they are having a fit about it. I am wondering what to do and how to deal with it. Below are more details...

Been with my husband for five years, married since May. Been in with secondary relationship (my boyfriend) for about six months. Things have been decent with all of us. Problem? My boyfriend is in college and his parents just found out about our relationship. THEY HAD A FIT. I've been friends with him and his brother for about a year (we all do martial arts together) and we've been hanging out about that long. In July we started getting close and his parents were a little weirded out because I had recently gotten married and they figured my husband was happy about us spending so much time together. His fall semester started (I live a mile from his university) and we spent more and more time together and his parents were more and more suspicious that we were more than friends. I knew everything was fine because 1. my husband was aware of our relationship and approved of it and 2. my boyfriend was becoming friends with my friends, so there were other reasons he'd be hanging out with us on weekends and late at night. In October, I emailed his parents and assured them that essentially nothing BAD was going on, but didn't actually say we weren't involved. We continued to grow close and as you can imagine, his parents continued to grow suspicious and curious as to why a married women was hanging out with this college student. We spent most of our time together at my house and only a few times a month at his house, so we weren't seen together much. The other day I was over and we watched a movie (most of his fam was sitting around with us) and my boyfriend through his leg up over mine on the couch recliner. Apparently this was "extremely intimate" and his mom made a comment to his father which spurred a heated discussion with my boyfriend - "this relationship is insane" "she's married and this is going no where" "if you get her pregnant, her husband will kill you" etc. I decided to talk to him personally, which I did yesterday. We sat down in the kitchen, I told him about polyamory (bringing up websites and references). He basically said he knew, he understood, said he knew people "like me" but he doesn't want it "going on in his house" and he and his wife "wanted their son to keep his options open, date around, and do well in school, which was difficult this semester because he spent so much time with you." He insisted he and his wife liked me a lot and loved that my bf and I were friends, but didn't like him being so into me and going "70 miles an hour with me". I agreed that we should limit our time together during the school year, but didn't actually say we'd put a stop to our relationship, because we truly don't wish to do that. We have a wonderful thing going. I asked my bf's dad to please explain the situation to his wife. I was hoping to ease her worries. I was polite, honest and as considerate of their feelings as I could be. Truly!

This all climaxed today. He went to visit grandparents several hours away with his family. They arrive, my bf puts his phone down in a bedroom, leaves the room for five minutes, and returns to see his mom going through his text messages with me and crying. She's going on about how she thought he was the kind of person who would "wait until he fell in love before losing his virginity like she did" and "thought he had a good head on his shoulders." Which he really does, he's a fantastic guy and everyone thinks so... Apparently his father came upstairs and also read through his text messages, insisting again that he stop his relationship with me because it's, again, "going no where."

Ultimately, I am extremely sad and disturbed that after all of our honesty and communication, they still felt the need to invade my bf's privacy. I suppose his mom's hysterical reaction to reading his texts to me are because this is her first time dealing with her son being sexually active and it's jarring and new. However, I am having a hard time wanting to respect their wishes after my bf and I have attempted in various ways to assure them that our relationship is healthy, loving, and with consent from my husband. I asked a fellow poly friend who said at this point, we have every right to ignore them and keep our relationship going, just quietly. Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything further I could say to them? Or does it make sense that we just quietly continue our relationship with or without their permission? I hate to be deceptive, but I've tried to be communicative... Any advice? Thanks!
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:08 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Hi whitelettersky,

Okay, I'll start with I have zero experience with any situation remotely like yours (except I was in college once, and I've had boyfriends).

But some thoughts occur to me. He lives with his parents, yes? I'm assuming they're paying for him to be in college? Probably best not to overly tick them off. Perhaps they pay his phone bill too?

I did lots of things to piss my parents off, but tried to not to them when I was living in their houses. (multiple parents)

It is wonderful that you've been open and honest and communicative. But do you do that because that's who you are, or because you expect it in return? I don't think deception will improve anything, if honesty hasn't.

Probably not much you could say to them, but perhaps time will soften them. And I don't mean a week. It's awfully hard for parents to let go of their dreams for their children. They're imagining they'll never get a wedding, or a daughter-in-law, or grandchildren. They're freaking out in advance over lost possibilities. I know that's a lot of why I had to continue pissing off my parents, to remind them that I was who I am and not who they dreamed I'd become. I'm not saying pissing them off is the answer; but I've lived through similar (after saying I didn't, how about that).

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Old 12-30-2011, 01:57 PM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Default Thanks NovemberRain!

Hi, thanks for reading and offering your advice He teaches martial arts so he actually pays for nearly all of his bills and had loans for school. His parents just co-sign. I mean, yeah he eats and sleeps there, but pays for his cell, car insurance and credit card bills. Unfortunately, his chemical engineering major isn't easy and his parents are already worried about him not studying enough and worry he'll party (which he hasn't done since high school.) So the paranoia is up and the trust and independence he wants is down. The only thing that further honesty will result in is them fighting to keep him home and away from me even though he is an adult. Time will probably help, I agree. But I am not gonna start seeing someone I love for a year so his parents can "warm up to the idea", you know? There has to be a middle ground! What do you think?
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Old 12-30-2011, 02:25 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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So I actually DO have some experience with this. Hubby and I have been married more than 16 years, three kids. I started a LDR with a man several months ago. He still lives at home. He finished his associate's is waiting to get his bachelor's while he is working on getting into the Police Academy or Fire Department. He has been doing the paperwork and staying in shape through his boxing that he's done for years. Now that he has a job outside of that as well he pays his way and helps out around the house. He has a little sister who is disabled so often takes care of her. A cousin 'found out' that we have been seeing each other. I left it totally up to DC if he wanted to 'come out'. I don't shout I'm bi or poly, but I don't hide it. I'm pretty laid back you ask I'll say, and I don't try and be careful to not say things about my OSO. I'm just me. However, being younger, dating a married woman and living home, yeah that could be complicated so I let him decide.

He openly said that yes he's seeing me, it's new, but it's going well. Add to this, he is incredibly religious. He's anointed in his church, works with the youth pastor and has been asked more than once on becoming a youth pastor. Well, cousin finds out, not long before it gets back to family. Mom, not happy. They stopped talking. I felt, horrible, but the truth is, it's HIS relationship with his family, not mine. If they want to speak with me I am available. He has the same resources I have, as he is also new to poly, and so can pass them on. I am fully aware this relationship, may end sooner rather than later. He is a man that will one day want a wife of his own, children of his own. He jokes about me having his kids, but it's a joke because we have had DETAILED conversations on how he, hubby and I feel about having more kids. I'm just not the woman who will give them to him and he knows this. He also knows he wants kids with HIS wife.

I get you don't want to lose this relationship but the problem is not YOUR relationship with him. Not right now anyway. It's his with his parents. So really what you can do is be supportive, be a shoulder for him. Ask him what he wants and needs from you. This is something he needs to work out with his family. Whether poly or mono, sometimes people have to choose family over their relationship, if that's what he has to do then there's not much you can do about it. It sucks and it hurts and I totally get the anxiety but you can't MAKE someone accept you or your relationship. Not your own family not his. YOu just do the best you can and be there for him while he figures out how to deal.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:57 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I get you don't want to lose this relationship but the problem is not YOUR relationship with him. Not right now anyway. It's his with his parents. So really what you can do is be supportive, be a shoulder for him. Ask him what he wants and needs from you. This is something he needs to work out with his family. Whether poly or mono, sometimes people have to choose family over their relationship, if that's what he has to do then there's not much you can do about it.
This!

I think you're just going to have to give his parents some time and see how he wants to handle it. If they continue being avidly anti-your relationship, he will probably have to make a choice: either end it or move out. The fact that they did go through his texts is atrocious. My parents didn't even do that when I was in HIGH SCHOOL and they DID pay for my phone, I can't imagine them trying to get away with it once I was older (even if I did live with them). It's going to be up to him to figure out what his priorities are, but you do have to keep in mind that this is his family. In my mind, family comes first. If my parents had hated Keith, I probably wouldn't have married him.
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Old 12-30-2011, 06:10 PM
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He is an adult (albeit a young one) and it's his right/responsibility to be the primary liaison with his parents about this, not yours. I would keep a respectful distance from them and let him handle this. It is perfectly valid for you two to carry on in secret, because what businesses is it of theirs? From my perspective, though of course how he handles it is his decision, they have violated his trust so they lose out on the privilege of knowing about his life until they can deal.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:51 PM
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karatekid7412589 karatekid7412589 is offline
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Default Hey Whitelettersky

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Old 02-13-2012, 04:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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karatekid, you're the bf! Hi! Glad you're here too, I'd like to hear your side of the story.

I think lots of young men like older women. I'm 56 and have dated plenty since i became single and fully poly in late '08.

I had a long term relationship with a lovely young man who was 19 when we met, one month away from becoming 20. We were together for 2 years, had a lot of fun and fond times.

He didnt want a gf his own age, because he was very serious about his studies and future career in finance, and didnt want to be distracted by a needy immature young lady. After he graduated and got a good job, 70s hrs a week, he drifted away from me.

Now, your relationship with karatekid is different. You're friends, close in age.

His parents wanted him to either settle down with one serious gf, or date around casually? I'm not sure which they want. Either way, he's found you, gets along with your husband and your friends, and knows he eventually wants to graduate and get a job and find a wife and have kids. I think his parents are overreacting because, in their conservative mindset, somehow he will become "ruined." Neglect his studies, become some kind of Don Juan, never give them grandchildren?

I guess parents always worry about that... goodness knows, my oldest, who is 25, has dropped out of college and put her partner's needs first. I don't like it either. She just has a semester or two to go, she is gifted and intelligent, and here she is, working at a Walmart in Texas. But it's her decision... I'm letting her make her own choices and mistakes. Heck, she's a Sagittarius, you can't tell them a thing anyway. I'm just trying to be supportive and a shoulder to cry on, long distance (I'm in Massachusetts).

I'd recommend, as other have, to just let him come to your place. Stop going to their place and cuddling him in front of his parents. Keep a low profile and let things simmer down. And karatekid, keep a close hold on your phone! I can't believe your parents looked at your texts. Make sure your computer is secure as well.

Good luck, kids!
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Old 02-15-2012, 07:11 PM
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karatekid7412589 karatekid7412589 is offline
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Default My cover has been blown!! lol

Magdlyn, I am surprised you inferred that I was the BF with only a simple "hello Whitelettersky." You are correct, however, and I am also surprised with your response and support even though you are older than us and you have kids as well. Most of our support has been from the younger demographic, but thanks a lot for breaking the mold! I was around when Whitelettersky's posts were made so our stories are one in the same, but I will expand.

I would also like to thank AnnabelMore because she has been very helpful and understanding to our situation.

Yes Mag, we are somewhat close in age, a little over 6 years and we are very close in many ways and will at least be very close friends for the rest of our lives. If I were to meet someone someday with whom I could settle down, I realize I might not be able to spend my life with White because she has all that with her husband, but weíre taking this one day at a time. And kids for me are still up in the air depending on my financial situation and if Iíve visited Italy yet.

My parents donít know what they want. My mom wants me to fall in love and pick a partner before sex and my dad wants me to sleep around and settle down someday so he can cook for her and she can keep me monogamous and happyÖand I guess the grandchildren thing as well.

Yes my phone and my computer will be locked down lol

We have stopped hanging out at my house completely, but it is still a stressful situation. I would like to spend most of my time with Whitelettersky and my parents donít want me to even come in contact with her even though we have mutual friends.

I love her very much and you could say I am new to dating. Going from a dull life of shy fantasies of the popular girl in high school to a poly relationship has been hard to deal with and understand. I have not had to deal with jealousy since Iím inexperienced so itís hard to deal with my first legit relationship involving a husband and an older woman. Because she is older and experienced, we arenít really experiencing new things together, many of them are just new to me. This might be different if I was dating a teenager who was just as new to this stuff as I was. I am famously indecisive so I can weigh pros and cons of the situation but can never decide on which to choose - a pro being that I think I did need an older woman to break me out of my shell and she has done that wonderfully. I am also pretty mature for my age partly due to teaching karate since I was 16. I have different priorities than a lot of guys my age and Iím not interested in a lot of the college girls I meet. A lot of girls my age donít know what they want or how they want to be viewed. I know who I want to be and what I want pretty well. White is all figured out and set in who she is, and knows how to communicate and so this situation is very open and makes sense and is amazing! It also didnít start out with 6 months of tentative dating and awkward mind games.

I guess if I found someone who was ok with our situation (which would be very cool) then White would have to learn to share me which might be a new feeling for her since she has been the poly queen of the hill within her circle of friends and family. Overall I hope to continue our relationship for as long as possible and my parents will have to deal with it regardless of their feelings about my decisions. All I can do is follow my heart and common sense to make my own choices that make me happy, and if everything works out then great, but if not then Iíll have to fight a littleÖbut it doesnít matter.

~What Dreams May Come~
Chris Nielsen: [to Ian] ďIf I was going through f***ing HELL, I'd only want one person in the whole g*ddamn world by my side.Ē

Thanks for reading along with our thread
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Old 02-16-2012, 12:35 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Hi sweetie, thanks for posting

Mag, thanks for your support. We definitely have no problem finding ways to spend time together...we see each other nearly every weekday afternoon in between my bf's classes, so it's not like we are really starved for time. What sucks is that it is totally secret from his parents. There is no "Hey Dad, I'm gonna hang with Katie and her friends on Saturday" or "Mom, I'll be home at 9 instead of 6, I'm having dinner with Katie and Mike" without a fight: a snide comment from his dad ("Chris...I'm 'this' close. You need to stop seeing her.") Or a pout from his mom, or general threats and even some insults about me being thrown in there (even though I get along with them usually and I know they like me as a human) to persuade my bf that I'm not good enough and am a waste of time in some way, shape or form. It's totally abusive and happens during dinner, outings, and even duuring the TV watching family time they porport to cherish. Can you imagine your parents insisting you come home straight away after Calculus bc your mom "misses" you or dad "made your favorite dinner" and then to be greeted with a storm of scolding, insults, threats and sob stories. When I hear about this I just wanna explode.

When it comes to family and close friends, I can be assertive and defend myself if necessary. For instance, I love my parents, but they have said some stupid crap in the past, given out-of-date advice and made some ridiculous assumptions and I've stood my ground, explained myself, and insisted that I'm smart and careful and am who I am. Chris has never really had issues at home and this is the first time his parents have had a problem with anything (other than a lifetime of guilt about partying and spending time with friends...he was always encouragged to be and stay a homebody.) So they find out he's found happiness with God forbid, a married woman and OMG theyMve got some big problems now. Chris does not know how to stand up to his parents and I feel like a jerk encouraging him to yell back or at least defend myself and speak his wants and intentions. Does he have a right to talk back? Even a little? Can he demand respect since he isn't doing anything wrong?

Going home after class every day sucks for him bc he knows he's going home to sarcasm and snide remarks. I hate that his once peaceful homelife is tumultuous because of our relationship...and it pressures us to not waste a single second of time together. I'm sure doing homework and studying isn't easy at his house now...it's tough for him to leave everyday. We are hoping to find some sort of compromise with his parents so they will at least stop harassing him so he enjoys coming home. If anyone can think of something diplomatic and reasonable he can say (even it's in via email or note he can write to them if a face to face confrontation is gonna be too much) we'd love to hear some suggestions...

Thanks
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