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  #1  
Old 12-23-2011, 04:43 AM
nixndrew nixndrew is offline
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Default New Boyfriend...Fizzled out?

Hey all! New to poly. Been married 5 years. Just started dating a guy 6 weeks ago. Here's the deal...

It's been nothing but roller coaster emotions with the new boyfriend. There was an immediate sexual spark. There was a brief infatuation period. Then there was the "OMG I'm in love" period. Now there's the "walls are up and maybe I need my space period." And this week? The sex tanked. Now I'm not sure if I love him at all...much less want to see him anymore if the sex stays where it's at. I'm a very sexual person and if the sex isn't great...then I move on. But I love chatting with him...and snuggling...and watching movies...and spending time with him. I'm just afraid that our spark is gone. For him, the spark is still there and he's head over heels in love with me. Am I wrong to say there HAS to be a sexual spark?

Husband is really cool about everything. He's glad to see me happy. So no issues on that front.

But my question is...how long do I give my relationship with my boyfriend a chance before axing it? Is this just a normal roller coaster of emotions for someone in a relationship with 2 guys and perhaps some expectations on the sexual front?
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  #2  
Old 12-23-2011, 08:26 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nixndrew View Post
Am I wrong to say there HAS to be a sexual spark?

Husband is really cool about everything. He's glad to see me happy. So no issues on that front.

But my question is...how long do I give my relationship with my boyfriend a chance before axing it? Is this just a normal roller coaster of emotions for someone in a relationship with 2 guys and perhaps some expectations on the sexual front?
Do you still have that spark for your husband?
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  #3  
Old 12-23-2011, 08:55 AM
nixndrew nixndrew is offline
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Yes, I do still have that spark with the hubby. But it's different. It comes and goes....it's more of a deep love and friendship than an intense sexual chemistry. If that makes sense.
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Old 12-23-2011, 06:36 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Whoa, 6 weeks? Maybe you are still just getting used to each other.

It took 6 MONTHS for me and my boyfriend to sync sexually with each other, and I hate to think that we would not have been together if we decided to just call it quits after a few unsuccessful... attempts.

But you're right, chemistry is important. Just let it evolve as it will, you don't have to stress this early on
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Old 12-23-2011, 06:45 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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I agree with kamala, just give it a little time before calling it off. Who knows? If the spark really is gone you could just be friends. How did you meet? (i.e., were you friends first, do you have mutual friends, etc?)
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Old 12-23-2011, 08:15 PM
nixndrew nixndrew is offline
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I just wasn't sure if that was a clear sign that it's not going to work. I'm not a very patient person And I've been out of this dating game since high school. It's exciting and scary.

Thanks for the advice Kamala. I'll give it some time. How often do you see your boyfriend?

And yes, OpenandCountry, we would make great friends, so I'll hang in there a little bit. We met through a mutual friend....who introduced me to him for poker nights. It QUICKLY evolved from there As cheesy as it sounds, I had an intense connection from the first time I locked eyes with him.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:18 PM
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Six weeks! Ya, too soon. I thought you said six months. Sorry about that. I do think that its important to communicate sexual history and attachment to it to new possible partners though. It seems that this is not the issue though... off night indeed.

Good luck,
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  #8  
Old 12-26-2011, 05:49 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Hey Nix, any new developments?

My boyfriend and I didn't even have sex for the first two months. And after that, even though there was a lot of heat, a lot of chemistry and both of us were very keen, the fact is we had both come out of long term relationships and we were just "learning" each other. We're both quite anxious people too, so every little thing got analysed... he was a very new and different sexual experience for me, as I'm sure I was for him. As our relationship grew and we got more comfortable and trusting with each other, the sex improved too.

He was the first one that this ever happened with - he made me question this idea that a good connection automatically translates into good sex. In fact, there seems to be something even subtly more intimate about learning someone's particular mind and body, all the unique features in their erotic landscape, exactly how they work, and how you can create a way to work together with them... it's romantic in its own way
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  #9  
Old 12-27-2011, 03:50 PM
nixndrew nixndrew is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamala View Post
Hey Nix, any new developments?
Hey Kamala,

Yeah, some new developments. We talked and worked out alot of our fears and goals. We decided to focus on the relationship aspect of us, so sex is taking a slight backseat. And I'm okay with that....because I really like him and want to see our relationship blossom a bit more. So far its been a week of no sex....this is a record for me.

I think when you mentioned that you're both anxious and analyze everything, that struck a chord with me. I think we're both like that too. We over analyze lots of things. It's so difficult to just sit back and enjoy things!
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