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Old 12-22-2011, 07:19 AM
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Default Commitment: what is it?

What does commitment mean to you? Is it important? Who are you committed to and why? What makes some people worthy of committing to on some level and others not?
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Old 12-22-2011, 12:23 PM
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I've recently decided that commitment looks to me like choosing someone, really knowing and wanting them. When I'm in a committed head-space, I don't have ideas of forever after, but I have the sense that I am working together with a loved one towards something quality, something that is worth the effort, and something that I invest in because it's evident to me that it will be valuable as a long term endeavor...

I have had trouble committing to people before because for me, the sense of trust was tied up with it... security, understanding... they all blend together into knowing that your partner is there and really strongly wanting to be there yourself in the same way.

I suppose the crux is intention. I've had lots of cool people in my life that were accidental, experimental, just out of consciousness somehow... but the real relationships, the committed ones, felt more deliberate somehow.
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Old 12-22-2011, 01:36 PM
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To me commitment in a relationship is the wanting to be there through the ups and downs. It's facing the hard parts of life, love, and relationships, and not picking and choosing which parts you want to experience with a person. To me its not just taking the easy way, but facing the things we struggle with and not being afraid to face it and share them with our partner(s) and letting them do the same. Its being there to enjoy the good times, while being a source of comfort and support through the difficult. To me its saying I trust you and I'm willing to let you into my life to know me as I am inside and out. It's wanting to grow as a person so you can become a better you.

I know that my idea of commitment may seem kind of simplistic, but to me being commited is simple. you either are or you arent.
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Old 12-22-2011, 02:20 PM
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I like both of the definitions given so far very much.

To me, commitment comes in levels. There's commitment to a relationship with a person, which the other posters have summed up very well, and which I feel for my two partners. I know that I will keep on working to be with them and building what we have unless there are really major changes in our lives that make that impossible.

I feel more committed to Gia than to Davis at present because I can't see those changes, the kind that could lead us to move apart, coming from within me with Gia, whereas I'm still feeling my way towards that place with Davis, if that makes sense. My relationship with him now is very different than those I've had with fwb's where there was no commitment, and we could split apart at any moment without it being a very big deal, but I also don't feel that I've given my full commitment to our relationship yet.

The higher level of commitment, in the way that I think of it, is committing not just to the relationship but to intentionally building a life together, creating a primary partnership. As much as I believe in and honor the commitment that Gia and I share, I know that her commitment to her life partner, the person with whom she's bought a house and had a baby and to whom she's married, is on a different plane than what we have. I see it as taking a greater order of trust and faith and will to choose to cleave to someone in that way and tie all your hopes and fortunes to theirs (assuming that you're really thinking about what you're doing).

It's an interesting topic.
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Old 12-22-2011, 04:32 PM
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I already answered this for RP on facebook, but I'll share what I posted there here too.


"I don't view commitment in the traditional sense. My heart adopts people, sometimes before rational thought; some romantically; some children; some just friends. But once that happens, those people are "mine" and I will do everything in my power to see them safe, happy, and loved. We are, as some say, fate bound to be part of each other's lives in some way or another until this life parts us."

To that extent, commitment comes from my spirit/ soul/ or whatever you want to call it. It isn't something that I can take back; comes with a fierce loyalty; and does not fade as the person's role in my life changes or distance separates us. Once I am aware that my spirit has committed to someone, I can take actions to deepen that commitment if necessary.

I am committed to a handful of people. Romantically there is Runic Wolf, Wendigo, and Pretty Lady. I also have adopted Stew (a longtime friend with occasional benefits) and his ex-girlfriend, N (who is also a longtime friend with occasional benefits), my good friend Purple, and while these are all people that I am attracted to, are my soul friends. Then there are the children who I am committed to, my son Yoda and my adopted niece, Mia. In each of these people, there was a sense of being "home" when I am with them.

I honestly couldn't tell you what makes some people worthy and some not because that is not where my commitment comes from.
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Old 12-22-2011, 05:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I already answered this for RP on facebook, but I'll share what I posted there here too.


"I don't view commitment in the traditional sense. My heart adopts people, sometimes before rational thought; some romantically; some children; some just friends. But once that happens, those people are "mine" and I will do everything in my power to see them safe, happy, and loved. We are, as some say, fate bound to be part of each other's lives in some way or another until this life parts us."

To that extent, commitment comes from my spirit/ soul/ or whatever you want to call it. It isn't something that I can take back; comes with a fierce loyalty; and does not fade as the person's role in my life changes or distance separates us. Once I am aware that my spirit has committed to someone, I can take actions to deepen that commitment if necessary.

I am committed to a handful of people. Romantically there is Runic Wolf, Wendigo, and Pretty Lady. I also have adopted Stew (a longtime friend with occasional benefits) and his ex-girlfriend, N (who is also a longtime friend with occasional benefits), my good friend Purple, and while these are all people that I am attracted to, are my soul friends. Then there are the children who I am committed to, my son Yoda and my adopted niece, Mia. In each of these people, there was a sense of being "home" when I am with them.

I honestly couldn't tell you what makes some people worthy and some not because that is not where my commitment comes from.

I am very much like this. I just never could describe it. Thanks, this gives me something to think about. I will admit, for me, some commitments are conciously chosen, but there those commitments to people that just happen because I connected with them on a different plane.
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamala View Post
I've recently decided that commitment looks to me like choosing someone, really knowing and wanting them. When I'm in a committed head-space, I don't have ideas of forever after, but I have the sense that I am working together with a loved one towards something quality, something that is worth the effort, and something that I invest in because it's evident to me that it will be valuable as a long term endeavor...

I have had trouble committing to people before because for me, the sense of trust was tied up with it... security, understanding... they all blend together into knowing that your partner is there and really strongly wanting to be there yourself in the same way.

I suppose the crux is intention. I've had lots of cool people in my life that were accidental, experimental, just out of consciousness somehow... but the real relationships, the committed ones, felt more deliberate somehow.
Definitely closest to my own personal definition. Love it.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:32 AM
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Back in June, I posted my take on commitment in another thread:
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
... when I think of the word "commitment" I think of people aligning themselves toward the same goal. Basically, it's like a contract or agreement, and the commitment will mean whatever the people involved want it to mean, depending on what they're committing to.

They can be in an open relationship and committed to honesty and safer sex; they can be poly-fi and committed to being faithful to each other; they can be monogamous and committed to growing old together. Of course, these are just a few scenarios off the top of my head, but you get the idea. It can be any combination of whatever the people want. But I do think progression toward deeper understanding and knowledge of each other, and self-growth, is a part of being committed.

I think that, simply, the act of committing to/with someone is a form of allegiance and a promise to work toward something and support each other in that endeavor.
I should add that, of course, commitment is definitely much more than a promise. The important part of the contract is following through on your commitment and doing what you say you are committed to do.

As far as who you make commitments with, and how you choose the people you want to commit to, I think it naturally comes out of the discovery of mutual desires and goals. When people are in sync with what they want (which may or may not be the same thing but could just fit together very nicely), a commitment flows out of that alignment with each other. And sometimes the commitments are unspoken but clearly understood.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:48 PM
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Hey NYC, what is the link on that? Was it another thread on this topic?
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Old 12-24-2011, 11:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Hey NYC, what is the link on that? Was it another thread on this topic?
It was a tangential discussion on someone's thread. I had mentioned commitment and actually it was Mono who asked me to elaborate on what that meant for me. So the quote I included here was my answer to him.
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